nomadicrhymer

Would like critical feedback regarding rythm, content and emotional responses (if any)

Thanks, Nomad.

New York! the hub
- of exciting pastimes
New York! the pulse
- of fashion & fine wines
Broadway musicals
- fantastic plays!
Those that have both found
- and lost their way
The heartbeat of culture
- come to the Theatre!
Moseying around
- in the Met Museum
Ride the West End Line
- to Coney Island!
A painted lady
- but not so dainty
Strung out
- with sparkling jewels
Strutting strongly
- but smiling gaily
She’s all at once lovely, but
- indulges in a little cruelty
Alight with laughter
- and dining divine
Home to both brilliant
- and mediocre minds
Burrows of ethnic smells and tastes
- separated
In their crowded corners
- clustered with families
Full of love or hate
– laughing or crying
Someone always critically living
- or dying
Depending on the Yankees
- winning or losing

Bustling and bumping - rapid street hawking
Stately, matronly and statuesque buildings
Rockefeller Center, St. Patrick’s Church
Landmarks unending, great trees of Birch
Central Park tours on horse-drawn carriages
The Tavern-on-the-Green has seen many marriages

September 11th memorial in splendid effigy
Many thousands drawn to share the burden of misery
The Irish pub’s always ready to draw you up a pint
Down 5th Avenue, if you play your cards right
Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx, and Manhattan
Connected to Long Island and the Staten
Passing by The Lady Liberty on the ferry
Allows you to observe her in all her keen beauty

Times Square for tourists
- astonished mouths open
The naked cowboy
- his guitar strumming
Ten- foot TV screens
- seem bigger than your house
Fast life, lights and action
- that’s what this city’s all about
She’ll hug you
- to her frozen chest
Suffocate you in
- heat that never rests
Derelicts, winos, desperately hoping
- for something, anything!
To take them away from their endless waiting

New York! is our intrepid Mother
Carver of attitudes
Potter’s wheel of fate
Poet, writer, she communicates!
Her splendid tresses curling in the night
Invites you to steep yourself in her delight

© nomadicrhymer

PaintedDiary

Dear Therese,

Although Mr. Alan, and Ms Jacquii are the experts in this category, I will attempt a small critique.

First and foremost, the poem is definitely an ode to New York, filled with New York, at its best. I loved reading it, and I felt like I learned more about New York as well. It felt like a fun poem to put together as well.

I know we are in the forum for serious critique for publication purposes, and there are a few things that I noticed. Perhaps the length needs to be looked at. Perhaps also the structure could be refined as it seems to play on the flow of the poem. I LOVE all the content in the poem, and feel none of that should be extracted, just maybe put in a more aesthetic format. Mr. Alan, and Ms Jacquii, can help with that. The imagery is masterful in the poem, and so New York!!!!!! I loved this piece Therese, and I am sorry for I am not very good at critiquing. But from a layman's point of view, those two things are what I did happen to notice.

{{~~**Painted Kim**~~}}

nomadicrhymer

Thanks Painted...I SO appreciate it! I will look at combining the lines I broke up for artistic flair...which maybe turned out not to be so artistic? ha ha!!

thanks much tho
Nomad

nomadicrhymer

Here is a Revision -

New York! the hub of exciting pastimes
New York! the pulse of fashion & fine wines
Broadway musicals and fantastic plays!
Those that have both found and lost their way
The heartbeat of culture, do come to the Theatre!
Mosey around in the Met Museum
Ride the West End Line to Coney Island!
A painted lady but not so dainty
Strung out with sparkling jewels
Strutting strongly but smiling gaily
She’s all at once strikingly lovely
Though she indulges in a little cruelty
Alight with laughter and dining divine
Home to both brilliant and mediocre minds
Burrows of ethnic smells and tastes, separated
In their crowded corners,clustered with families
Full of love or hate, laughing or crying
Someone always critically living or dying
Depending on the Yankees - winning or losing

Bustling and bumping - rapid street hawking
Stately, matronly and statuesque buildings
Rockefeller Center, St. Patrick’s Church
Landmarks unending, great trees of Birch
Central Park tours on horse-drawn carriages
The Tavern-on-the-Green has seen many marriages

September 11th memorial in splendid effigy
Many thousands drawn to share the burden of misery
The Irish pub’s always ready to draw you up a pint
Down 5th Avenue, if you play your cards right
Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx, and Manhattan
Connected to Long Island and the Staten
Passing by The Lady Liberty on the ferry
Allows you to observe her in all her keen beauty

Times Square for tourists, astonished mouths open
The naked cowboy with his guitar strumming
Ten- foot TV screens seem bigger than your house
Fast life, lights and action, that’s what this city’s all about
She’ll hug you to her frozen chest
Suffocate you in heat that never rests
Derelicts, winos, desperately hoping
For something, anything!
To take them away from their endless waiting

New York! is our intrepid Mother
Carver of attitudes
Potter’s wheel of fate
Poet, writer, she communicates!
Her splendid tresses curling in the night
Invites you to steep yourself in her delight

Nomad

Benny

I love your ode to New York! She is a majestic lady...breath taking in her splendor and mire both. I must say...I like the first version better...with the breakdown in its simplicity to the eye. It is very long and that always is a harder read for me, personally. Your work flows well and works all the way to the end in scheme...I am no critical help...I just know what I like. I like.

alanmdouglas

Dear Therese,

I popped in on this a few says ago, read a little, and - help ! - saw how long it was. So now I'm back, and see you have done a revision.

I have not read the whole thing yet, but have some (slightly unkind) comments. It is still too long - mainly because you include some things which, yes, are NY, but are also every other place too, so are not that which makes NY unique.

Overall, for ME, altho you do rhyme, this reads like a very fine piece of prose. To make it more "poetry" I think quite a few words would need to be cut, making the language much tighter. Here is a sample of what I mean :

X = word del, there are one or two punct changes too.

New York! X hub of excitMENT X
X X X pulse of fashion & fine wine - wine singular = plural here
Broadway musicals, X fantastic plays
X that have X found, OR lost their way.
The heartbeat of culture, do come to the Theatre! DEL whole line ?

NR, I hope this is not too much of a downer, there IS quality here, need polishing up like a gem to reveal the facets. It is more important to get the ESSENCE rather than to have a catalogue of e-v-e-r-y-thing !

Good luck with further revision, send me a PM when you have posted one, or I might miss it - am very busy now!

Love
Alan

nomadicrhymer