MrsRivera

-ONE LAST HIT-

Hit,

Hit,

Hit,

Hit her harder,
Spit and scar her,
Let's see how much farther,
You can bring her down.

Call her out her name some more,
Let her know she's a fuckin' whore,
Don't stop till' she's trembling on the floor,
Let's see how much more she can endure.

Yeah, tell her she's nothing,
Watch her soul crumbling,
The sight is almost humbling,
But still you keep fumbling.

Mentally she's above your level,
Her strength is that of a revolutionary rebel,
The difference is she walks w/God,
You walk with the devil
She reigns wearing God's triumphant medal.

Survival of the fit,
Hit,
Hit,
Pray.

Stay,
Leave,
Stay.

Eventually she will break,
And he better hope for his life's sake,
That she spares him of all the pain,
She's held inside.

Oh the beauty in just being alive.

"Sarah M. Rivera"

Sartor

Sarah..........I do not know if this write was born out of personal experience and used to promote healing or if it is simply written about spousal abuse. Regardless, such abuse is a sad way of life for many people. Usually it is the female on the receiving end of abuse, but it works the other way around also. If this happened in your life, I hope you are finished with it and have moved on.

As for critique: For what it is worth, it looks to me like a combination of rhyme and free verse. A sort of mixed up pattern, without any standard form, although the message of abuse is clearly stated.
I did not care for the three hits at the start. it made the poem look juvenile in construction. Because I am a writer of metered rhyme with a definite structured form, I found it difficult to read your poem with any rhythm. These are the thoughts your poem generated in my mind. The only value to you, would be to know how another may perceive your poetry.

MrsRivera

Thanks for your response,

Yes this was written out of personal experience, but also in general for abused women,
I have since left that relationship (6yrs ago), writing about it was my therapy, I will definately take your comments into consideration and work on it.

Thanks -

Mrs. Rivera

nomadicrhymer

Sarah, this is an extremely passionate piece. You certainly captured many of your emotions here. I am very relieved to hear that it is from the past, although it probably will never leave you.

I kinda agree with Sartor about the 3 "hits" in the beginning. Taking them out will not detract in any way from your poem, and will actually allow readers to delve into the main body of it more easily. They are only slightly distracting, though.

Since I write many pieces in a mix of free verse and rhyme (laughing) and even my own causes a little break in the smoothness of the read, I get a little of that as well, but I just put it down to still finding my own way to what will eventually develop as my main style...or is that just confusing myself? haha!

Having said all that, I normally don't pay attention that much to the structure of a poem (unless it's my own) but more to the emotional content and the wording used to create the mental picture.

I feel that this one offers a lot of inspiration to other women in the same situation, because somehow when you are reading of someone else's experience, it allows you to see it with new eyes.

I hope and pray that it was as cathartic as it needed to be for you.

Therese

mzlisa

First, I can see the flow. As for juvenile.....i don't think so. Great visuals.

i dont like when you do this:

w/God

but write out

with the devil





'Watch her soul {start}crumbling,



Mentally she's above your level,
Her strength... a revolutionary rebel,
The difference is-
she walks with God-
You walk with the devil.
She reigns,
wearing God's triumphant medal.


Eventually she will break,
And he better hope for his life's sake,
That she spares him of all the pain,
She's held inside.

The last 2 sentences break from the rhythm

you coold do this if you like:

Eventually she will break,
And he better hope for his life's sake,
That she spares him of all the pain,
She's held inside. (of the vicious cycle of give and take) maybe?

Oh, the beauty in just being alive!


overall, very nice! I'm lisa, nice to meet you!