violetpearl

i dont want to say to macuh as i am hoping you guys wil be able to understand what the poem is about with out me telling you all. I havent been in the forum alot recently (ive been too stressed out with exams)but tonight this came to me. i'm probably a bit rough with my pen now, and all critique is appreaciated.

Terence

Hi Rhona,

My guess is that the narrator (N) made an uncomfortable gaff at the dinner table, perhaps with a touch of diarrhea of the mouth to compensate. I don’t detect a deeper metaphor but could be wrong.

Line 1 should end with a comma because of the change of tense in the next line.
“Bumping at the bump” could be more imaginitive – jolting, skidding, or splaying perhaps.
Line 3 starts a very long run-on sentence but at least should stop after “tomato sauce”. The lines following that (L12-14) don’t flow well grammatically.
L17, “reciprocate” is to give back, I don’t see it fitting there. May be “digest” (lol) or “assimilate”.

There are some other puntuation issues but that tends to be a matter of taste.

You’ve some good images to describe the situation, if I’m on track.

Terence

MsJacquiiC

Critiquing abstracts are not always so easy. Like TERENCE - I'm not sure what this poem is about - possibly having laughed and spit out a meatball with spaghetti sauce, all at the table whilst chatting? LOL

A few suggestions:

1. Use stanzaic form instead of just one block of text. In abstracts I find it nice so the reader has a better grasp on what you're evoking...
   
   
2. I think the punctuation is good, but you may want to be more succinct. That is to say - be sure one sentence doesn't completely bleed into the other sentence. Punctuation lets the reader know where one though ends and the next begins.
   
   
3. On the same token: I like to use capital letters for the beginning of sentences only. In abstract, it's much easier for the reader to comprehend the writer's direction when each sentence (rather than each line) begins with the capital letter.

Example:

My mouth opened and the pressure
(building up) spilt the beans.

Sticky sweet red rolled down the side
Of my bowl, but instead of tawny edible men,
penny pieces cart wheeled down my front,
bumping at the bump of my chin, speeding past my chest
on its many self made paths,
trailing from my mouth to the green spear headed grass,
where they would station themselves to form
letters - words: a bare sentence
covered in Heinz tomato sauce,
attempting to achieve some sincerity; Some elegancy or other.

But Ah! In the moment I saw my pounding fear
had succeeded. You found it (plainly speaking)
cheap.

You repeated it to yourself like a record with a crack.
You could not believe it. You could not reciprocate it.

At once I wished to suck them back;
At once I cursed my little tact
but trails of sticky red stuck me to the spot,
glued me to green and blushed my cheeks hot.

You moved quickly on and pretended not to notice.
My heart skipped a beat, and my head, screamed,
"Why the hell'd I say that?"
------------------------------
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Interesting write though! I think on your 1st revision you should concentrate on structuring the poem a little more tightly and on the linebreaks. ALSO the line "bumping at the bump" - you may want to tighten the word usage there.

At anyrate - hope this helps.
Thanx for sharing your poem with us

Jacquii.