Hestoria

Take the sharp blade to my wrist and cut the vain
Cut away the tears and brign me the pain

That sweet pain, that pain that fills my empty heart
Bring me the pain and let it just tear me apart

So I can feel the pleasure of being ripped to shreds
To feel my blood run, as is rushes from my head

My mind is in a daze and my sorrow is all that I see
Control the pain and get this wretched sight from me

Can't control the world, can't stand it's unperdictable pain
So with a blade control my pain and sane I will remain

It's the worlds fault, kindness, trust, and love, it stole
Only to give pain in return, so pain, I will, control

It's gone, true happiness has fled from this world
Will it come back? Into hell, have we been hurdled?

What can bring it back? My trust and my hope
I don't know but, I need another way to mope


version 1: In Pain (Version 1)

MsJacquiiC

Hello HESTORIA - I personally like this version much better, as the detail you provide actually accentuates the title a little more than the 3-stanza version.

I do have four suggestions on how you can make this piece better.

1. Use synonyms for pain. The word pain appears in your poem 9 times (not counting the title.) Crank out the thesaurus and use synonyms, metaphor and/or simile to describe pain.

2. Double check the spelling, definitions and puctuation. There are a few errors of each (i.e. unperdictable, it's & hurdled --- I think you mean hurled)

3. Repetition of words needs to be at a minimum - You don't want to say the same thing over and over and over, unless stated in obvious metaphor or rhetorical simile or some sort.

4. Flamboyant language is a plus - the thesaurus is your friend

Example:

That sweet pain, that pain that fills my empty heart
Bring me the pain and let it just tear me apart

BECOMES

That sweet pain, that saccharine grief that fills my empty heart
Bring me the woe; Let it just tear me apart

Anyway - hope these suggestions help.

Jacquii.

Sartor

Hestoria.......I can see your effort to write about the sorrow and pain of love lost and the thoughts of suicide being the only choice. It is an emotional subject and well worth the poets desire to write of it. I echo the thoughts of Jac in my critique to your poetry. I would also add that the meter is way off. I assume it is supposed to be written in rhyme, therefore each set of two lines need to be locked into a set pattern of feet, repeated throughout the poem.

An example, reworking your first four lines, is:

To take a blade to my wrist, cut the vein.
Wash away the tears and bring me pain.

That anguished ache can fill my empty heart.
Then the hurt can tear me all apart.


FOOT
A unit of rhythm or meter; the division in verse of a group of
syllables, one of which is long or accented. For example, the line:
"To take / a blade / to my / wrist cut / the vein." has five iambic metrical feet.
While the line:
"Wash / away / the tears / and bring / me pain." has four and one half iambic metrical feet.

To follow my suggestion, you must then make each set of two lines conform to the above pattern of feet. Five in the first line and four and a half in the second line. If done correctly the poem will then be read with an even flow of meter.

I know it takes time to work this out, but you will see a vast difference when completed.

solo

Ok ....just a first impression...but I preferred version one...simply because it was more concise and got to the core of your emotional experience.

"Take the sharp blade to my wrist and cut the vain
Cut away the tears and brign me the pain

That sweet pain, that pain that fills my empty heart
Bring me the pain and let it just tear me apart

What can bring it back? My trust and my hope
I don't know but, I need another way to mope"

says a great deal already...and parts of version two seemed redundant

keep writing though...its a great way to channel ur pain

MsJacquiiC

hmmm - Interesting comment SOLO - the "less" is more commentary.
And you know - I think you may be right about the "emotional experience"
Gotta keep in mind though that most Editors/Publishers will be looking for a more complete description of the "emotional experience" --- Good post though!
I like both versions of the poem and will be interested in wondering what HESTORIA thinks of the wonderful suggestions we've given... Where fore art thou HESTORIA????

Jacquii.