KingAce

Ok this is what I have so far and i am quite satisfied with what is here but I haven't the slightest clue of where to take it from here...It is basically describing a panic attack and I wanted to possibly add a little more but I'm not sure what so if people have suggestions or comments on what I have so far or where to take it I would be very happy to hear them...

nomadicrhymer

Ace, you just need to decide what the panic attack is about...what the subject of the poem is remembering, and the setting, who they're talking to, if anyone....etc.

Nomad

mangodroplet

Or you can talk about the relief of being released from this stranglehold and how sudden it is...or you can talk about how you are to the brink of death and what saves you, or you can just write a bit more to build up to the climax where it seems you'll die and then....
just leave it hanging.

KingAce

Here's and update of what I have accomplished since I asked for help but once again it's like I have a writer's block and just can't complete the poem...the new stuff I put in is highlighted in blue...

The feeling is like every finger of fear grasping my heart,
The entire hand of hopelessness squeezing my lungs,
Collapsing my chest, inflating my chest,
Collapsing my chest, inflating my chest…
Taking the oxygen away from my brain,
Thrusting the air in and out between my lungs,
Forcing panic, accompanied by a stampede within the mind,
Placing the Brain in a position to seize unwanted tears away from the eyes,
Tears that trickle down the cheek onto the arms and legs,
Tingling of paralysis instantly induced on limbs upon impact of barren tears,
The tears succumb to the pressure of an emotionless drought,
The tingling fades, breathing slows, headache soothed,
Panic surrenders to the feeling of safety,
An unknown sensation treads the lines of insanity, grief, and isolation,

KingAce

Thank you for the suggestions means a lot to me, I was sorta in a writer's block but I feel relieved to be able to have had the courage to ask for help and finish this poem after a month or so of working hard on it...

Sartor

Hi KingAce.........I am not a student of free verse but I will offer some revisions that to me would improve the poem. For my taste it is too cluttered up with words that are unneeded. I would do away completely with the "Collapsing my chest, inflating my chest" because it is too repetitive.
For example:

The finger of fear grasping my heart,
hand of hopelessness, squeezing lungs,
depriving oxygen to the brain.
Thrusting air in, sucking air out from lungs,

Well, you get the drift of my thoughts........It is a great subject to bring emotion into the write. Good luck with it.

KingAce

I think that is good advice actually i'm gonna try it without so much repitition but the thing I wanted to do is put a lot of emphasis on the breathing because no matter what else comes with a panic attack the breathing is always there and it goes from bad to worse and is consistent throughout the attack whereas something such as the crying or numbness can end before the attack is over but the breathing continues so I think i'll take a few out but I think i'll just keep that one to myself j/k I'm gonna repost it in a few
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This is the poem without the repititive emphasis on the breathing...


The feeling is like every finger of fear grasping my heart,
The entire hand of hopelessness squeezing my lungs,
Taking the oxygen away from my brain,
Forcing panic, accompanied by a stampede within the mind,
Placing the Brain in a position to seize unwanted tears away from the eyes,
Tears that trickle down the cheek onto the arms and legs,
Tingling of paralysis instantly induced on limbs upon impact of barren tears,
The tears succumb to the pressure of an emotionless drought,
The tingling fades, breathing slows, headache soothed,
Panic surrenders to the feeling of safety,
An unknown sensation treads the lines of insanity, grief, and isolation,
Memories begin to intrude upon my mind,
In the flashbacks my vision is completely shadowed with darkness,
Only enough light to see death’s outline approaching,
I snap out of the Anamnesis to realize that the flashback has come to present,
My eyes widen as he comes closer,
He reaches his bony hand out to grab me,
The feeling is like every finger of fear grasping my heart,
The entire hand of hopelessness squeezing my lungs…

mangodroplet

niiice.....
in your revision, it's now a cycle of paralysis...

i personally liked the repetition, because it felt more like a poem that way...repetition can be a good thing, especially when you're emphasizing on something.

then again, it's just how you like it.

anyway, good job! yeah. i know how writer's block is...i've been too BLAH to write lately. O.O

KingAce