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The Critique Saloon This is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only!

The Rape
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Old 12-29-2006, 06:37 PM
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The Rape

I can't think of the name of this style...and know that I have it wrong in the repetition of the different lines...but does this work the way it is or not?

Thanks,
Nomad


The Rape

Her pain sought comforting corners of non-reality
Even as it raged on before her eyes
Like knife points stabbing between her thighs
He was the one that taught her to despise

Even as it raged on before her eyes
She floated, weary and disinterested
Lost in a Neverland of her own guise
Almost not feeling the pig as he rutted

Like knife points stabbing between her thighs
Bleeding freely her despair mounted
Moments like this should make you wise
She thought even as she quietly fainted

He was the one that taught her to despise
Even as it raged on before her eyes
Remembering the courtship of flowers and smiles
Moments like this should make you wise

She floated, weary and disinterested
Minutes sluggishly dripped from the faucet of time
In thick dark drops Pain and Suffering bled
As the world spun slower in the throes of the crime

She thought even as she quietly fainted
Remembering the courtship of flowers and smiles
That he brought to her door masking the demon
That…moments like this should make you wise

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Old 12-30-2006, 12:30 AM
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This works well and as a matter of fact I can see the crime being committed in these words



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Old 12-30-2006, 04:22 AM
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Hi Ron, Thanks for looking at this. I will go ahead and post it in the Misc. section...I know I didn't do it right, but I like the beat of it this way. Thanks again!
Nomad



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