The Critique SaloonThis is the place to post poems that you'd like to better by getting suggestions & constructive criticism. **NOTE** For formal critique only! I would love some critiques because I'm going to enter it in a contest and need to fine tune it.
Special Delivery
this thread has 1 replies and has been viewed 126 times
Biography: I am a poetry, short story, and Novel writer.
Surfs The Web With:
Instant Message Info Is Private.
Special Delivery
FOR CRITIQUE What I'm looking for is just to see if there are any mistakes in this story that I haven't noticed with my proofreading. Or, anything else you noticed would be much appreciated, thank you!
A man heard the doorbell ring as he finished showering. He dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist. The man took swift steps as he exited his bathroom and made his way to the door. Taking a tentative peek out of the shades covering his window he assessed whether someone was there. Finding that his porch was empty he opened the door and glanced at the ground.
There was a small brown package and he grabbed it to bring it inside. The man checked for where it came from but it had no address. He brought the package over to his counter so he could slice through the clear plastic tape. Driving the knife down with a satisfying pop he ripped open the package with building anticipation. His excitement quickly vanished upon seeing the contents of the package.
A pirate-style eye patch stared up at him with a neatly folded up note next to it. He tried to think of who would send him something like this and opened the note. It was typed up on a white piece of paper and he read the message on it.
"Put on nothing but the pirate patch and meet me outside," was what it said. The man couldn't believe he didn't guess who it came from. His girlfriend loved to play dress up with him and they had done every type of outfit. Every outfit except for this one and he smiled down at the eye patch. He guessed that his girlfriend was inspired by their watching Pirates of the Caribbean the week before.
He dropped his towel on the floor and reached for the object in the package. The man had always wanted a eye-patch of his own but found it near impossible to find. Putting it over his left eye he moved to his sliding glass door leading to his backyard. He was thankful for the fence that enclosed his yard and that he left his gate open.
There was a woman in a skimpy pirate skirt with her back to him and he approached her.
"Arrr, matey, drop your panties or I'll make you walk the..." his voice trailed off. The woman turned around and he saw that it wasn't his girlfriend that was waiting for him.
"Who are you?" they asked in unison. A brisk breeze made the man realize his lack of clothing and he scanned the area for anything to cover himself with. He noticed a small exercise ball hiding in the corner and he quickly used this.
"Is this 13215?" the woman asked. Her face was bright red and she was also trying to drag her skirt down farther. He could see that her outfit left little to the imagination and he found that he couldn't stop staring.
"Uh, that's my neighbor, he's 13215, I'm 13216," he replied. There was an awkward silence between them and she stared down at her feet. He realized that he needed to look away from the gorgeous blonde and he adverted his gaze to the grass.
"Well, this is pretty embarrassing, your houses look..." the woman began. He interrupted her as he nodded his head.
"Yeah, I know, exactly the same," he said. They stood there for a few moments as neither of them seemed to know quite what to do. He looked up and saw that the she was slowly backing away from him. The woman had her clothes in her hand and she took quick glances behind her to make sure she wouldn't trip.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna... yeah," she rambled. The woman reached for the gate door and went to open it to let herself out.
"Hey, wait, I have a question before you go," he called out to her. She opened the gate with a creak but paused with leaving. The woman waited for his question with an impatient look.
"Do you mind if I keep the eye patch?" the man asked. He could see a smile appearing on her pretty face and she nodded her head.
"Sure, as long as you don't tell James about this," she replied with a wink.
"Okay, it's a deal."
Last edited by SarahNSH; 08-16-2008 at 12:45 AM.
JPiC Forum Sponsor Links • This Forum is enhanced with content-revelevant advertisings...
JPiC Whole-Post Ad Policy
Whole-Post advertisings are shown only to JPiC Forum For Writers' Guests. Once successfully registered, such ads will not be shown. CLICK HERE to register your 100% FREE JPiC account today and become an active Member of our Community for Poets & Writers!
FOR CRITIQUE What I'm looking for is just to see if there are any mistakes in this story that I haven't noticed with my proofreading. Or, anything else you noticed would be much appreciated, thank you!
A man heard the doorbell ring as he finished showering. He dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist. The man took swift steps as he exited his bathroom and made his way to the door. Taking a tentative peek out of the shades covering his window he assessed whether someone was there. Finding that his porch was empty he opened the door and glanced at the ground.
There was a small brown package and he grabbed it to bring it inside. The man checked for where it came from but it had no address. Placing the package on his kitchen counter, a sense of anticipation built up as the knife he used made a satisifying pop slicing through the clear plastic tape. His excitement quickly vanished upon seeing the contents of the package.
A pirate-style eye patch stared up at him with a neatly folded up note next to it. He tried to think of who would send him something like this as he opened the note. It was typed up on a white piece of paper and he read the message on it.
"Put on nothing but the pirate patch and meet me outside," was what it said. The man couldn't believe he didn't guess who it came from. His girlfriend loved to play dress up with him and they had done every type of outfit. Every outfit except for this one and he smiled down at the eye patch. He guessed that his girlfriend was inspired by their watching Pirates of the Caribbean the week before.
He dropped his towel on the floor and reached for the object in the package. The man had always wanted a eye-patch of his own but found it near impossible to find. Putting it over his left eye he moved to his sliding glass door leading to his backyard. He was thankful for the fence that enclosed his yard and that he left his gate open.
There was a woman in a skimpy pirate skirt with her back to him and he approached her.
"Arrr, matey, drop your panties or I'll make you walk the..." his voice trailed off. The woman turned around and he saw that it wasn't his girlfriend that was waiting for him.
"Who are you?" they asked in unison. A brisk breeze made the man realize his lack of clothing and he scanned the area for anything to cover himself with. He noticed a small exercise ball hiding in the corner and he quickly used this.
"Is this 13215?" the woman asked. Her face was bright red and she was also trying to drag her skirt down farther. He could see that her outfit left little to the imagination and he found that he couldn't stop staring.
"Uh, that's my neighbor, he's 13215, I'm 13216," he replied. There was an awkward silence between them and she stared down at her feet. He realized that he needed to look away from the gorgeous blonde and he adverted his gaze to the grass.
"Well, this is pretty embarrassing, your houses look..." the woman began. He interrupted her as he nodded his head.
"Yeah, I know, exactly the same," he said. They stood there for a few moments as neither of them seemed to know quite what to do. He looked up and saw that she was slowly backing away from him. The woman had her clothes in her hand and she took quick glances behind her to make sure she wouldn't trip.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna...yeah," she rambled. The woman reached for the gate door and went to open it to let herself out.
"Hey, wait, I have a question before you go," he called out to her. She opened the gate with a creak but paused. The woman waited for his question with an impatient look.
"Do you mind if I keep the eye patch?" the man asked. He could see a smile appearing on her pretty face and she nodded her head.
"Sure, as long as you don't tell James about this," she replied with a wink.
"Okay, it's a deal."
Ok, what I'm not getting at the end is if this is a friend's girl, his girl playing pretend, or a complete stranger. Other than that, this is every man's fantasy, I think, lol.
I've made a few suggestions here in bold, but I'm sure there's other people here who could help you as well. Members?
JPiC Radio
Creativity Outlet
Magnet Poetry
JPiC Arcade
Video System
Shoutbox
![[vB Favorites]](http://jpicforum.info/gfx_02s/buttons/favorites_lg.gif)
Linear Mode
