Sartor

OK.........following is my first pathatic atempt at free verse. For years I only wrote in rhyme. Poets, pick it apart and tell me what is wrong. To me it does not have a poetic ring. There is no fire. Therefore I turn to you, Poets, who write in free verse to lead me through the steps.


Turnaround

Afloat on rising, falling seas,
amid strewn wreckage
of dreams.
Schemes of youth have
abandoned ship,
as we grounded
on the rocky shoals
of married life.

When did Innocence
wander away,
taking with it
the laughter and song?
I want the joy back.
Again, to see your eyes,
alight with love,
as they once did for me.

Let us return
to wine and roses,
dinner dates
in upscale restaurants,
where a piano bar tinkles.
Dark nightclubs
with dramatic Gypsy music
as we dance in the shadows.

Cocktail dresses,
heels and low necklines.
Jacket with tie, in a
perfect Windsor knot.
Razor creased trousers
and shined shoes,
like we used to be,
aglow with love.

Leave the workweek
In offices and halls.
Put aside the pell-mell
almighty dollar race.
Weekends are
for only us
and when babies come,
let us love forever.

Sartor
3-2-2007

zaac

i love this kind of free verse cuz i'm into the flow of something that takes you from one idea into another seamlessly like a movie fading from one scene into another. a lot of people cant get used to the gently rolling way of your style of free verse. but i think it gives a poet true freedom with words and ideas. i write rhyming style cuz i write a lot of lyrics, but i have a few free verse piece. for me the term free verse doesnt necessarily mean that it doesnt rhyme...its more about the freedom of your heart mind and pen. i agree with you but a lot of people pick it apart. i've had pieces ripped to shreds and re-written by people. I think they can't get the hang of it, are too ingrained if rhyme, or are not bright enough to follow it. in any case they are wrong. nice piece by the way.

zaac

Sartor

zaac........thanks for your remarks on the poem. Appreciate it !

Nikos Tselepides

The poem captures well the feeling as it has a whimsical, nostalgic tone which fits the content.
The subject matter is perhaps trite and often-seen, but hat I said above does the miracle and lets the poem shine.

Many thanks.

nomadicrhymer

This is lovely, Sartor, and probably only seems strange to you...because of the unfamiliarity with the style. There is nothing wrong with it and it flows well, carrying the reader along on it's current of LOVE!! Congrats.

Nomad

Sartor

Nikos and Nomad........thank you both for replying to the above. In truth, while I wrote it, I had to refrain from rhyming, as it seemed so natural for me to rhyme the lines. It was in a sense, a very difficult thing to write. As I stated above, it sounds so vanilla to my ear when I read it. Regardless......I will delve more into the ways some free verse poets deliver their lines (those that I deem to hold fire and interest for me) and perhaps I shall discover a few of their secrets. Thanks again for replying.