lanaia74

Christmas eve when we first met many years ago
That was the night I totally changed your life
Sharing with you my unholy fate
The only good thing in my existense is when you agreed to be my wife.

A thousand years our love we have shared
I was selfish to make tou like me
All these years together I have loved you and cared
But I have a Christmas wish to release you from your hell and set you free.

The ultimate gift to you is for me to set you free
But this gift I can't give you because I love you so
All the decorations and lights and people seem to be filled with glee
People bustling around you can see their faces glow.

Since I love you so I should gladly release you from your hell
But see I can't do that
Because you are the best thing that happened in this morbid existense like being in jail
It kills ne to know you have to creep rhtough the darkness just like a bat.

Of all the Christmas gifts that I could give to you
To release you and set you free would be the best of all
Biut loving you so this selfishly I could never do
Without you my love I would stumble and fall.

alanmdouglas

Dear Lanaia,

THESE are the rules of this forum :

Guidelines:
1. No one-word comments in this section please - Critique the poem and offer ideas for improvement
2. Do NOT post in this section if you ONLY want praise for your work - Find a more appropriate section for your work if that's the case.
3. Comment whilst offering suggestions you think may improve the writers' work
4. Have fun being creative and helping out your poetic peer!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Please note that your "crit" of "ERRANT SCALPEL", while not a ONE-word comment, in that it is 2 words, hardly qualifies as "crit", and here, as elsewhere on the net, you are hardly exchanging with the poets whom you expect to wade through your lengthy offerings.

Please abide by the rules of this forum, GIVE as well as take. I think that if you do, you will find others much more willing to give to you in return.

Thank you
Alan

amachristian

It sounds as if this person is going through a great heartache trying to figure out what to do. Especially at such a time as Christmas when everyone 'seems' so joyful.
If I would make a suggestion here, it would mainly be that you have presented this to us as a full package. I mean, you've already laid out the full thought. It would be nice to have your readers do a bit of work on their own as they read. Don't give the full picture, allow readers to create a picture in their own minds.
"The ultimate gift to you is for me to set you free
But this gift I can't give you because I love you so
All the decorations and lights and people seem to be filled with glee
People bustling around you can see their faces glow."

Let me give you an example of what I mean.....

'As I watch you flutter your wings
I am moved to open the door to your cage
my heart stops me in my tracks
though joy is all around, in this I can't engage"

Not that you would want to use the exact words I used here. It might be that I've not even hit on how you want this to sound. I'm just trying to give you the idea of not telling everything up front, but allowing us to discover it within ourselves as we read your words. Also a few type O's.

I did enjoy reading your poem very much and hope what I said here didn't sound harsh. My critique of your poem is only meant to be a constructive thought and may differ from what others readers think.
Thank you!

mjarabrab

HI, I'm brand new here, and just realized that I posted my poem, without critiquing anyone else yet- I"m a bit rushed for time this morning, but will come back to this this afternoon.
But my first impression, my first major thought here for you is, it's too wordy.
Two options seem posible for now, keep what you want to say, and break it down into more stanzas, or take out the little "filler" words that you really don't need. I plan to be more specific, as I will be back later today to be more detailed in what I mean.
I am no professional by all means, but it seems taxing to read so much information in your lines, and it takes away from the creativity that can be expressed also.
Hope this helped for now, will be back later,
Barbarea

mjarabrab

I came back to re read this, and I think myi intial thought is what I"ll stick with for now. I would completely re write this, with more balance, and without the filler words. I'ts very taxing to read, to me anyway, as it's rather rambling, but your message is clearly here. The last lines in each stanza are kind of packed such an important feeling, it feels as though it's rushed, as you are trying to make it fit.
Why not make shorter lines, more direct, and if one sentence is too long, and creates an imbalance in the meter, just make more stanzas, then I think it would be more flowing, and artisitc,
Hope this helped,
Barbarea

Sartor

I can only agree with Barbarea. As this is written, it is childish in the overuse of unneeded words. I assume this is supposed to be written in rhyme since the ends of the lines have rhyming words. For poetry in rhyme, the poet needs to have a set form, a set structure of feet per line, in order for the lines to flow. If you have not learned the basic structure of rhymed poetry I strongly suggest you look up a few locations on the internet and learn the proper ways a poem is written. For example try going to this URL and read: http://thewordshop.tripod.com/forms.html

As an example your second stanza could go something like the following:

A thousand years our love was shared
I selfishly controlled thee
Although I always loved and cared
Christmas time you shall be free

One more point......always use a spell checker on your work before you post.

violetpearl

The poem was intereasting but in a weird way it feels too much like a story to be poem. i think like some have said that this may be because of the overuse of 'fillers' included that dont neccessarily have to be there but also, like what was first said to you, there is too much of a give away to the reader. I would say that maybe instead of explaining the poem, use similies, metaphors or imagery to portray what is being thought/ felt.

But on another note, the title and its connatations in regards to your poem is definetley a good aspect, and if you just change the poem a little bit i am sure you will find yourself with a pleasing poem