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uNDECIDEd
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uNDECIDEd
Sitting alone in this quiet place
With the cold blowing wind brushing thru my face
Waiting for something, makes time so slow
Should I stay or should I go
Watching impassive people as they walk by
No one knows when, where or why
Restless and completely undone
Nobody would notice even when I’m gone
It was a scare that nobody would care
It was not easy to bear
This anguishing nightmare
Begging anyone to please have a little time to spare
This heart beating fast so full of fear
These eyes are drowning from a useless tear
Gripping tight since this dark have succumb
Until this whole body felt so numb
Close to breakdown
This deafening sound
Frightened to realize all this time to be blind
For a thousand years combined
Screaming out this anxious mind
Come let this lips unbind
Starving from a tender touch
That all of this wounds could patch
Standing alone in the middle of nowhere
This empty soul is totally lost I swear
Still bewildered where to go
I’ve aged a long time ago
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Biography: I graduated from California Polytechnic College in Pomona, California in my past life. My first job was at a newspaper in the Display Advertising Department. I married, raised kids, horses, goats, chickens, dogs and cats for a seriously long time then escaped California to Georgia where I began real estate and stayed out in the woods entirely too long.
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Libralight has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
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In the second line, if you were to take out the “With” “the” and “thru” you’d have
“with cold blowing wind brushing my face” and that has exactly the number of beats that your first and third lines have. It would clean up the meter for the strong fourth line. I’d put a question mark after the fourth line also, because the question is the crux of this stanza.
I think you don’t need “thru” anyway because wind can’t blow through a face.
It would be cool if this stanza had the same meter as the first, but it isn’t necessary.
However, the second line has no object. What is it that no one knows? Maybe no one know who I am, or no one sees who I am. Or maybe you mean no one knows who they are?
S2L3 is good and strong, but I think the fourth line needs some polish. Maybe
Nobody would notice if I were gone. Or nobody will notice when I’m gone. Would is a different tense than when, which makes the sentence out of sync.
S3 isn’t as strong as the first two and I don’t think you need it so I’d just omit it.
S4L1 is full of passion and clear, but as in S1, the second line is so close to compatible meter, I think I’d change it to “these eyes are drowning from useless tears” which, by the way is a good line: eyes drowning from uselessness connotes more loss, a waste.
L3 needs work—the tense has become garbled. Starting with a gerund, you need a subject for the sentence. Maybe “Gripping tight, my heart has succumbed”
Then the last line has a tense situation also. Until this body feels numb are the critical words to correct the tense.
That’s all I’m going to do for now. I think the rest of it needs to be redone because it seems like you have paid a lot of attention to end rhymes and lost important grammar and the emotional meaning of the first stanzas.
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rootcropped brain has not received any JPiC Member Awards.
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wow! that is what i'm looking for! a good critic in the critique saloon! a big thanks for that ms. melody... and i know, i admit i really got problems with my grammar sometimes..uh.. most of the times and so i focus more on end rhymes.. but i'm working on it and that's why i am here to ask for some help from you guys!
thank you again ms. melody!
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and so i focus more on end rhymes.. but i'm working on it and that's why i am here to ask for some help from you guys!
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