xXPoetryLoverXx

When he came to me I thought I wanted it.
But then it happened.
It was the worse thing ever.
I wanted it to stop.
I kept yelling 'Stop, I dont want this'.
But he didn't stop, he kept going,
Getting faster and faster.
But it just lasted longer.
Then it was done.
It felt like he riped my body apart.
But he thought it was cool.
He wanted to do it again.
He only cared about what he wanted.
NEVER what I wanted.



[[I need help soming up with a title.... Give me some ideas please. && Do you like my writing?]]

MsJacquiiC

1st - Welcome to the Community --- 2nd... Moved to The Critique Saloon since you ask for critique.

3rd - This seems more of a prose piece than a poem, especially considering each line ends with a period and the brief bit of monologue.

It seems a prologue to an interesting story actually. I would definitely suggest a bit of metaphor and descriptive words within...

Example:

When he came to me I thought I wanted it.
But then it happened.
It was the worse thing ever.

BECOMES

He thrust forth and I pondered,
thinking I wanted it. Then the dastardly
deed happened; It was worse than dreaming
pandora's box...
-------------------
-------------------

As far as a title - Seems you've already named it... It appears in the red text - all caps: NEVER.

Thanx for the share.

Jacquii.

ps - If you haven't yet introduced yourself - Feel free to post an introduction thread over at the Member Introductions section.

Mysty

Hiya Laura...... This is an amazing start to what could become a shining statement for young women everywhere contemplating making love before they are truly old enough to know what it means to them. But like MsJacquii I agree it needs more..... descriptive .....Your version is a dispassionate view. I am sure any girl going through this could describe it more... let me give you an example.

He tempted me with pretty words,
teased me with his smoldering eyes
kissed me until I couldn't stand it any longer..
I thought, really thought I wanted him.

So I acquiesced, like the shy maiden I was
but he turned into a beast... mauling me
and frightening my urges away.

I cried out then, no longer silent
I screamed my dissent repeatedly
and beat at him with my fists but
he was blind to my tears and lack of
participation.

It didn't matter ..... I was a maiden no more.


Anyways ..... I hope you get the idea.... if you want help I am only too pleased to be of assistance... You can use or lose any of the suggestions. We only want to help you achieve the best you can here. Your poem has the potential for sooo much more.

PS.... Welcome to JPIC the best place in the world for Poetry

Mysty

blindbee

How about:
What I Wanted?

or

Never Wanted

I agree with your first response. Great start. I'm no expert by any means; however, I see more of a prose than poetry. Metaphors are an excellent suggestion. Although I'm terrible at it, you could add a standard meter to give it a musical feel.
Write on!