MsJacquiiC

Hey YAWL - I was chatting with ALTREE94 about this poem - It is one that appears in my Obsession With Technicolor poetry manuscript... I'm kinda excited about it, as it received some wonderful feedback from poetry editor of Beginnings Magazine... The standard feedback of course is a formletter ripped from a colored pad, not unlike post-it notes... So anyway - I'm sharing the original piece and inserting the comment at the bottom...
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Where Is The Joy?

There are
seven fields of golden-hewn wheat
gracing the rocky shoulder
of this one
dirt street in Jackson, Tennessee.
Seven mighty fields,
heavenly, heavily laden with cotton
and wheat (just above Hell’s turmoil),
yielding a various cacophony
straight from the daybed splendor
of earth:
soul-rich soil; the labor, the toil
of harvests’ birth
is but what: blood of the dust?,
cells holding, merely, left bones first
laid down to rest?,
splendidly –
like old Negro slaves
and their chil’ren of plantation daze
who simply longed hard, working for the zest
of joy,
of retribution,
of restitution,
of life;
attentively serving foul folks
with old Negro smiles
ironically frowning foully with strife
upon the o’ seer’s beaming face
and his beating-stick of ill-fated hate;
that tired ol’ Negro smile
full of knowing spiritual faith.

Now tell me:
would that ol’ dirty “massa”
give a damn about the HUMAN race
or those two million nigras that overcame slaving
the fields till their dying day
and beyond?,
those same nigras with bleeding hands
that, albeit, cultivated the U.S. of A
and then some?…

Would he know where is the joy?,
the retribution?,
the restitution?,
the life? Would he?
Would he even care?

Copyright © 2005 Jacquii Cooke

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Comments from Poetry Editor Freada Dillon:

[snip]
We won't be able to use your poems, but I encourage you to continue to write and submit. I'm enclosing a few editorial suggestions for one of the poems you submitted.... One hint: too many modifiers spoil the poem. Another: repetition rarely works unless you are an experienced writer. Third: you need not state what has already been inferred.... I take time to do this because of the potential in this piece.
[snip]

Editorial Suggestions:

Where is the Joy?

There are
seven fields of gold hewn wheat
gracing the rocky shoulder
of this one dirt street in Jackson, Tennessee.
Seven fields, heavy-laden with cotton and wheat
yielded from the daybed splendor of earth:
soul-rich soil.

The true harvest sprang from blood in the dust
and bones laid to rest like old Negro slaves
who longed hard, working
for joy, retribution, and restitution
while serving up old Negro smiles ironic with strife
and knowing spiritual faith.

Now tell me: would a slave owner
give a damn about the human race
or those two million negras that overcame,
while slaving and dying in the fields?

Joy. Retribution. Restitution.
Would he care?

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Moving to Critique Saloon for further commentary and suggestions
Jacquii.

Amzy

Hey, Jacquii. I've got to say, I don't much like the editorial suggestions, they take the raw emotion out of the work. It became cold and impersonal. But then, I am no editor.

For your original, I think it's fantastic. You have shown a strong constitution in the slaves, and a disdain in the owners, and made me feel that too. I did find your line breaks sort of random, making the read difficult.

erikestabrook

I feel bad that your poems were denyed Jaqui and also feraful because that work of your was awesome and deserves more, its not easy to have someone disect your poem and take the heart out of it and tell you thats what right,
what's right shows up in your work and may not show up in that magazine, i still think it sgreat that you tried, and I think she's gutless thats why she ddin't accept your poem

alanmdouglas

Dear Jacquii,

I too am no editor, but I have to say what editors state is NOT gospel - it is THEIR view ONLY.

So here I am taking your orig posting and I will crit it as best I can. Please bear in mind I ain’t no God either, I want to show you alt views so that you can select any or none of my suggestions that you want. I have tried to compact the poem a bit, while still leaving emphasis on those points you want to highlight. Where I’ve removed a word, there is a DEL. Punct changes are not signalled. Words added or altered are in CAPS too. Hope this is not too confusing, you might need to print out both for a side-to-side.

I have no idea if this is any better than what you had, only you can adopt, adapt, or expel the changes, entirely up to you.

Love
Alan

Where Is The Joy?

DEL Seven fields of golden-hewn wheat
gracE the rocky shoulder
of DEL one dirt street in Jackson, Tennessee.
Seven fields, DEL, mightyly laden with cotton and wheat (DEL - complete intrusion here) yielding a variED cacophony
straight from the daybed splendor of earth:
soul-rich soil; the labor, the toil of harvests’ birth
is DEL what: blood of the dust -
cells holding, merely, DEL bones first laid down to rest -
splendidly - like old Negro slaves
and their chilDren of plantation daze - - Too few colloqs, so jag out - drop most
who DEL longed hard, working for the zest of joy,
DEL retribution, of restitution AND DEL life;
attentively serving foul folks with old Negro smiles,
ironically frowning DEL with strife
upon the overseer’s beaming face
and his ill-fated beating-stick;
that tired old Negro smile
full of knowing AND spiritual faith.

DEL
Would that ol’ dirty “massa”
give a damn about the HUMAN race,
or those two million nigras WHO overcame slaving
DEL till their dying day and beyond,
those same nigras with bleeding hands
that STILL cultivated the USA, and then some?…

Would he know where is the joy,
the retribution, the restitution, the life ?

Would he ?
Would he even EVER care?

MsJacquiiC

wow ALAN - great suggestions - Thank you very much for the critique - I will work on a revision some year LOL j/k - maybe even soon... At anyrate - yeah.... Awesome critique - thanx again

Jacquii.

alanmdouglas

Dear Jacquii,

If you mean that "some year", you'd better PM or email me when you do post a revision, or I might miss it.

Love
Alan

PaintedDiary

WoW!!!! Ms Jacquii, such an eye opener! Your poem is wonderful! Alanmdouglas' critique is very enlightening as well. Erik......I agree hon!!

Much Luv

KIm