shayshay741

Its somwhat freestyle, and im not quite sure how to edit it, because im definately not satisfied. Any help at all would be wonderful. Thanks in advance! [oh by the way this is my first post! Woohoo!.]


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
And doing so I must inevitably say,
Without you my life would be worthless and gray.

For to be without you, is to be without the sun alight
Is to be without trees or flowers or without sight
For without you I am encompassed in an inescapable dark night.

For without you faithfully by my side,
My adoring eyes would fade to a dull gray for all night have I cried

My tears would pool beneath my feet, my sorrow on the ground
A swift river would become beneath me, and claw desperately and pull me down.
I’d give in to the thick wetness, and pray to drown

For to be without you is to be without life
To be without you gives no reason to fight
Without you I would give up hope of all joy, purpose and light.

butchiesmom

It's somwhat freestyle, and 'im not quite sure how to edit it, because i'm definitely not satisfied. Any help at all would be wonderful. Thanks in advance! [Oh by the way this is my first post! Woohoo!.]


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
And doing so I must inevitably say,
Without you, my life would be worthless and gray.

For to be without you, is to be without sunlight
Is to be without trees, flowers or sight
For without you, I am encompassed in an inescapable night. (Since night is dark, using dark is not necessary)

For without you by my side,
My adoring eyes would fade to a dull gray; for all night I have cried

Tears would pool beneath my feet, my sorrow on the ground.
A swift river would form beneath me, and pull me down.
I’d give in to the thick wetness, and pray to drown.

For to be without you is to be without life
To be without you gives no reason to fight
Without you, I would give up all hope of joy, purpose and light. [/quote


Wow! I remember my first poem and how excited I was about it! I was sooo sure it was the best ever written, somewhere on the level of Emily Dickinson. Then I posted it online and my joyful bubble went POP! I'm not going to do that to you for several reasons. The first and foremost reason is because I DO remember the joy and the letdown I felt after my first review.

The second reason is because this IS a heck of a lot better than my first one, lol. There are some suggestions I can make to tighten it up and I'm sure there are others here who write more poetry than I and can make even better suggestions.

The rhythm is relatively smooth, the emotions radiate from the screen. It's easy to read and even more important, easy to understand. I, also, like the way you used a line from Shakespeare for your first line, but (I'm not sure about this, Jacquii will correct me if I'm wrong) I think you should acknowledge where you got the first line since this is a famous line from a famous author. Expanding on such a famous line is something I would not have thought to do but it works so well for you.

This love poem is very good, I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating!

I've bolded my suggestions. I'm sure there will be others who can help you much better than I can.

Not bad, Shay! Very good first attempt!
Gail

mrsmajor

Hi, I have read your piece and find it delightful, but there are some comments I would like to make. I understand your effort to express your feeling, but I think you have used the words "without you" a bit too often.

I realize that editting some of those words out would make for a shorter poem, but in my opinion, and that's all it is, I think it would read better.

Also, I like the archaic word usage, so when I read the first line I thought I was going to see that through out the piece, and I did not.

Here is some examples of what I mean:

Should I compare thee to a Summer's day?
For doing so I must certainy say.
My life would be so worthless and so gray.

Now when you read that out loud you will get the same rhythm in each line.
There is a 10 sylabble count in each line.
In free verse (that does not follow a definite pattern) it is good to make your piece pleasant for the person reading, and still get your message across.

In your next three lines you have used the phrase " without you" five times,
which to me is being redundant, although that is the theme of your piece.

Perhaps a little change may help.

It would be like living without sunlight.
No tree, flowers, perhaps not even sight.
Without you, I can't escape the dark night.

This also has a 10 sylabble count and it reads a little more smoothly.
Yet lets the reader get into your heart and mind.

I am not saying that your piece is bad, it is not, but the reading was a bit choppy to me.

I hope this has been of help to you in some way, to me it is important for the reader to enjoy what she/he has read and so it is up to the writer to give them that.

I wish you luck in your school work. and in your writing. It is good, as I said, but poetically

I believe you can do better, long words are not always necessary, and you can still get

your message across...

I wish you well....

shayshay741

Guys these comments are really great, i totally appreciate it. Buthiesmom, the comment about using one of shakespears famous lines, well i do have a reason for using it. See the project i have to hand in must have all of the poems related to Romeo&Juliet. I tried to connect to the way romeo commonly refers to Juliet as 'bright', and i thought starting off with that line would be good.

Also, Mrsmajor, i like the way you shortened it, and commented on the ten syllable count. I will definately consider using that. Alright i will be posting the final once i have done what needs to be!

Again, thank you!

----Shay