zaac

thank you once again.

mysty, you actually made me misty sayin that. that was so very sweet. PD, could you elaborate on layers and stages? I'm not sure what you mean, but I know that when you say stuff like that, you always show me something I would have never seen on my own.

zaac

JONATHAN

HEY BRO ...
I dont think its justified for me to pick these lines out of this poem but these specific lines .. wot do i say .. indiscribeable .. wouldnt wont to admit to being lovelorn coz im not but this poem was like wind on dying out embers ... yu take love and paint it for the beauty that it is and pain yu clothe in glory as suited to her ladyship .
pushed and pulled into this whirlpool of emotions that yu call "Call Upon the Wind "

hats of to yu sir
Chester

zaac

ok, so i go to this other poetry site that i didnt like much in the first place to see if it passed muster with those who are supposed to be the "best"

Please read this poem again, and then read this poem gurus rendition. I'm posting the whole thing so bear with me. Is it me or are they extremely anal and have no clue?

zaac

Honestly, I chop this down, a lot! There is so much repetition about the want of the message to be sent and one to be received that it reads like an exercise in saying the same thing in different ways. I good thing if it's just an exercise, not so for the Firebox.

If you want to follow the message along from its origin through to other relevent place-settings to her bed, then by all means. But give each stanza a new purpose, don't rehash the old. And watch the modifiers, they tend to slow down the pace and lose the reader/listener's focus. Use sharp juxtaposition to add colour, not colour to juxtapositions...if that makes sense.

Quote:
I whisper to trees to pass my word
to the wind. Carry this message to my love
on your currents high.

My cries to the night sky and to the moon
who have been my only friends---
were for my empty heart, empty
as my arms without her heart to hold.

The chorus of the night woods
cannot hide the sound of her voice;
the voice I hold like fire,
searing white amidst azure cool. ----okay, techincally, one doesn't hold fire. The fire consumes them; that said, if this were poetry and not song I would knock out the fire altogether and make it "searing white" and trust your reader will make the symbolic jump. Like so...

The chorus of the dreamy woods
cannot hide the sound of her voice;
searing white admist night's cool.

I moved night down into cool...nevermind my handle, lose 'azure', besides it can't be azure in 'night woods'. Consider 'dreamy' as just a marker for whatever modifier would work for you.

Tell her gracious wind... do not wander, do not
tarry; this song to the solstice moon
tells of the loneliness that tries to wrest
my spirit from its vessel.

There is no celebration, no autumn dance
without her touch---a hummingbird's wing. ---go singular here, not plural to condense down the image.
There is no grace or mercy for this restless heart:
no joy without the star that fell into my world, ---this part is confusing for me, shouldn't it be 'fell out of my world', since she is gone? I'd opt to remove the rest of this after hummingbird's wing.
now brightly lit with a brilliance all her own.

Let his cry carry from this forest deep,
in a voice that howls its misery,
speaking in words nocturnal;
words only she and the moon can understand. ---this part reads like the voice of wind and not the speaker who is longing for the return of his love; it should be italicized; however, I'm not sure you need this, but keep 'nocturnal words' that's good.

Let not my call fall upon her form---too much with the negative, be more assertive and succinct.
in dreamless sleep, deaf against my song.---deaf against my song is not set up properly. Deaf refers to the lover, not the call.
'Tween sheets of silk, ten thousand thread,
flow cool upon her breast.

Dry the trails of wistful tears
with the moment of which I dream;
when your breath carries my fingers through her hair,
the way you rustle through the leaves. ---I like this last stanza/verse the best. Again watch the modifiers.




Try this...(basically your words cut down and re-lined)...


I whisper to trees to pass my word
to the wind. Carry this message to my love
on your currents high. My cries

to the night sky and to the moon---
who have been my only friends---
were from my empty heart, empty
as my arms without her here to hold.

The chorus of the dreamy woods
cannot hide the sound of her voice:
searing white admist night's cool.

Tell her gracious wind... do not wander, do not
tarry; this song to the solstice moon
tells the loneliness that tries to wrest
my spirit from its vessel. There is no celebration,

no autumn dance without her
touch---a hummingbird's wing. Let my call
wake her from her dreamless sleep,

no longer deaf against my nocturnal
words. 'Tween silken sheets, ten thousand thread,
let me flow cool upon her breast.

Dry the trails of wistful tears
when I dream, when your breath carries
my fingers through her hair;
the way you rustle through leaves.


...but more musical than this.

In the end, plug in the clippers and go to town. Get down to the heart of this song's matter and write about that. The song of unrequited and/or distant love will come through clearly.