alotmarc

It was not just a kiss
That happened so vivid
In my mind in August
Our second date was the day
I hoped it would be worth the wait
The air was thick
With electricity and lust
Seemed as though my heart would burst
I could smell her sent like
Vanilla cream in a dream
I'm sure see could sense the
Tension we were in
I could see there at the base
Of her neck she knew to

As of an act of god our
Hands accidentally touched
This was all the courage I needed
So I gently took that spot on her neck
Caressing gently but firmly
Moving her closer to my soul
Our eyes dancing a slow dance together
The world was set ablaze
Lost to everyone in our gaze
A tango I'm sure
Lips finally coming to touch
Melting away everything before
And leaving nothing behind
It was all there in that moment
The stars fell and the moon
Filled with envy

Setting us on fire
I could feel the heat in her lips
So moist and sweet
Telling me this was it
As I ran my fingers though
Her angelical hair
The passion was to great to describe
As our tongues got tangled
It sent me over
My mind filled with nothing
Time became no issue
Maybe even stopping momentarily
We were as close to heaven
As Id ever been
And dam hope to go again
I hope she gets here soon
Got plans under this moon

SarahNSH

Hello Marc!

Well, I do think that this poem is definitely edgier than your last one that I read and reviewed. I do have to note that I'd suggest running this through a spell check and give it a read a second time, some words were mispelled, missing quotation marks, ect. which took away from the experience of reading your poem, but these are small things to fix. Besides this I found that your poem showed a lot more passion with it and more of an edginess to it too with describing what happened. I really do like some of the metaphors that you have going on here and enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing away!

zaac

you have some really cool ideas and i like where you are trying to go. i think a bit of re arranging would put it on the map. The stanzas need some clarity and definition and some work on flow of ideas.

Please don't take it badly because I really do see what you're trying to do with the piece. I'd be glad to help if you'd like.

zaac

alotmarc

Thank you both as this is why I came here. I want to write poetry that will be as good as anybody or better. I just started last week or two and it is starting to become an addiction real fast. But remember I am new so allot of the terminology is lost to me. I have allot whirling in my head and want to get it out and have people like it besides me. So I am taking all the help I can get...Starting to learn and read allot about poetry as well. So yes bring it on if you'll talk Ill listen.

Bear

Great penning Alotmarc
handshakes
bear

Jer4clarity

Marc,

for the greater part this is a quite romantic work. I'm sure the lady who spawned this work would be touched by your words.

You do have a line where I think you meant to say she instead of see.

Cheers

Jer