zaac

“I never meant to cause you pain by words spoken in confusion. I was only trying to find my way to the end of the illusion”...at least that’s the line as I wrote it. But when I cleared away the opaque tendrils and remnants of illusion I found that I was worthy as a person. I did not need to be justified or vindicated. I simply needed to rest and heal from all the times I picked up the pieces of others peoples lives; partly in a feeble insecure attempt to feel better about myself. And within the wreckage I still find myself trying not to look at the shards of my own heart and dignity intermingled.

I said to you in as genteel a way as possible too many times, “if you're not here to be positive or add benefit to my life, show yourself to the door.. I meant what I said. Do not see me as vindictive. See me as tired of following after people, fixing their problems whilst ignoring mine, to my detriment and at times, my denigration. See me as realizing for the first time in life, and with a huge smile and sigh of relief, that there are some people in life you just don't need and you are one of those people.

An aside...does it ever puzzle you how jealous people can be when, in reality, if they knew where you had to walk and fall and stumble and rise again, they would have their lips sewn closed for everyone’s benefit?

Listen closely and heed my words. Step away from the light, it is not for you. Had it been, you would have accepted it a long time ago, if only as a way of avoiding stumbling, or a flame to simply warm cold stiff hands by. Step away from the light, it is not for you. It is the light that belongs to me. Though the days would fall dark, I have lent a hand, only to be laughed at and wiled away in idle conversations. Step away from the light, because this one belongs to me.

Say nothing on the day you see my mantle shining; the day you see the sinew and muscle of my spirit flex in the sun, say not a word. Know in your heart that through your lack of compassion and cruelty and sickness of the heart, you have had a hand in forming each and every fiber of who I am. Do not wonder how my teeth became so strong and deadly. It was on the gristle, bone, and marrow of your thoughtlessness I fed myself and honed them. As for now, have a care for yourself. Even a fool knows better than to approach a cornered wounded animal, even one with a soul.

If you are so foolish as to say anything at all, make sure it reflects your realization that in tearing me down or being an obstacle, you were the vehicle that made yourself obsolete. And know that in that moment, you will not be able to camouflage the things you try to hide the most; your fear and shame. If I were something other than who I say I am, I would exact vengeance in ways that you never knew existed. But I cannot; for who in their right mind would treat badly the source of all their strength determination and guile? How could I look you in the eye and say you were are a bad thing, when you are part of what made me the person I am; whose old soul's shadow falls long and deep over your quaking heart?



Thankfully for me, I have a faith that says, where I could not make the grade, and no one else would, the difference was paid for me in full, by the source whose power illuminates my night and by grace allowed you to live for the chance to see the light and step into it. You will find me there when life’s winds grows cold. As for my spirit, forgiveness reigns. And though it hurts, I know a day is coming where I will stand in fields of green; strong in the shoulder and fearing nothing but God himself.

I have nothing left for you but love, for you have destroyed anything else that had a chance of growing. And as you turn to walk away, you will know beyond all doubt that kindness does not translate to weakness. What you saw as a bumbling mess with no direction or hope; something to be used and discarded, you now must see for the fortitude and power you helped build. Yes, these teeth are razor sharp and it is nothing more than a reflex now to use them. My claws dig deep in the earth as I run, claws sharpened on the grit of my own despair. The breath that fueled sobs and wailing in depths you cannot imagine is the same breath that will pray for you though you do not deserve it.

For my heart cannot help being pierced by the sensation of being lost forever that fills your screams and chokes your soul into silence. My breathing, now even and steady, flows calmly as I stand over you. Coming from behind jaws that could crush you...it brings you words that say, “I am only a human as you, and if I can be forgiven, then it follows that forgiveness is the law of the land.

But, like kindness, do not mistake forgiveness for weakness. Out of all the mistakes you have made, that would be most egregious and an unhealthy lifestyle to assume as a general rule. Just because my spirit be bruised and battered, do not think it cannot annihilate you on a moment's notice. It is simply that in the face of all that is holy, and because of it, I choose not to.

As for me, my faith will carry me home. And in the true spirit of the grace that was shown to me; when you are trying to lift tear streaked eyes to me that somehow just cannot; then at least have the presence of mind to take my hand outstretched that seeks to raise you up. If you cannot find your faith, take some of mine. After all...you helped build it.

Where showers of forgiveness fall, the soft footsteps of divinity are heard.