The Critique Saloon:

[Sartor]

ANGEL OF DEATH

Standing upon the commons in the rain,
alone beside a fountain on the square,
like something statuesque and inhumane,
her argent face framed by her raven hair.

Tresses coal-black about her shoulders fall,
matching the eyebrows curved in perfect arch.
Her beauty calculated to enthrall,
as she waits by the fountain and the larch.

Her alabaster skin is marble white,
her femininity is built for lust,
her lips are black, her teeth are sparkle bright,
her dark eyes sadly offer forth their trust.

The falling rain streams down her naked form,
drip-dropping from her tangled mass of hair.
Her wings are folded tight against the storm,
amid the swirling clouds of dark despair.

She cocks her head, her senses are alert.
She strains to hear the call for which she waits.
A Banshee wail intended to pervert,
at the same time soothing as it sedates.

Contemptible and low a baritone,
drifts slowly through the sodden atmosphere,
rising, becoming then a screeching moan,
then to a whimper painfully severe.

She slowly then unfolds her rain-washed wings,
feathered in ebony as black as death.
Contented now the angel softly sings
a gentle cooing song beneath her breath.

She bows her head and like a dog she shakes
the raindrops from her wings and from her hair.
Ascension comes as a few strokes she takes
to rise into the misty rain soaked air.

Winging her way through rain and thunder roll,
her timed arrival at the final breath,
where gently she will take another soul,
God’s mission, for the Black Angel of death.

Sartor

[alanmdouglas]

Dear Sartor,

I have just seen that this has not had any response, and wonder if you want a detailed crit ? I don't mind doing one, but as it is long I want to feel that you would still value help ?

Love
Alan

[Sartor]

sure Alan.......I would appreciate your take on the poem. Thanks for offering.

[alanmdouglas]

Dear Sartor,

I’ll offer some ideas, but punct changes will be marked with *. Anything you like, feel freee to keep, chuck the rest !

ANGEL - I’d call it ANGEL, the rest gives too much away ?

Standing upon the commons in the rain, - meaning of commons in this context ? Also, on, not upon, for ba-dums
alone beside a fountain on the square,
like something statuesque and inhumane,
her argent face framed by her raven hair.

Tresses coal-black about her shoulders fall, - skip inversion in 1st 2/3 words ?
matching the eyebrows curved in perfect arch. - del “the”
Her beauty calculated to enthrall,
as she waits by the fountain and the larch. - ’neath the larch ?

Her alabaster skin is marble white,
her femininity is built AND FIT for lust, - was too short a line ?
her lips are black, her teeth are sparkle bright,
her dark eyes sadly offer forth their trust. - offer up ?

The falling rain streams down her naked form,
drip-dropping from her tangled mass of hair. - drips dropping - the other is “too clever” thus distracts ?
Her wings are folded tight against the storm,
amid the swirling clouds of dark despair. - those swirling ?

She cocks her head, her senses are alert,*
and* strains to hear the call for which she waits;*
a Banshee wail intended to pervert, - cap in Banshee ? Surely it is adverb here ?
while at * same time soothES as it sedates.

Contemptible,* *low like* a baritone - for better ba-dums, - NO end comma ? Avoids 2 x “then”
a sound* drifts DEL* through the sodden atmosphere,
rising, becoming then a screeching moan, - becomes at last ?
then to a whimper,* painfully severe.
–This last might need recasting once these changes are absorbed ?

She slowly then unfolds her rain-washed wings, - Slowly then, she unf ... ?
feathered in ebony,* as black as death.
Contented now the angel softly sings
a gentleY* cooing song beneath her breath. - for ba-dums ?

She bows her head,* and like a dog she shakes
the raindrops from her wings and from her hair.
Ascension comes as with* few strokes she m*akes
to rise into the misty rain soaked air.

Winging her way through rain and thunder roll,
her timed arrival at the final breath,
where gently she will take another soul,
God’s mission, for the Black Angel of death. - Death capped ?

Any help ?

Love
Alan

[stardust]

Dear Sartor: Here I am!! WOW!! Your poem is a real masterpiece. You are a talented Professional Poet, my dear Sartor. I would definetely hire you, if I had money enough to pay your wages as a Poet. OUTSTANDING JOB!! Hugs. Sincerely, Stardust.

[Sartor]

Alan.......You have made some valid points and also some excellent changes. I have used some of your suggestions, others I omitted because it changed the meter I used in writing the poem. All lines were written in pentameter. The commons were usually public grassy areas where people could meet and mingle. Much like a city park. (Noun: a piece of open land for recreational use in an urban area.) Thank you Alan for your very well thought out critique of the write and for taking the time and effort to type it out here.

Stardust......It is a pleasure to hear your praise of my work. Thanks for the comments.

[stardust]

Dear Sartor: One little more thing about your poem: "Angel of Death"... I would call it: "TANATOS", since you like Greek Mithology as well. You wrote "EROS", so please, write "TANATOS", whenever you like. It is just my humble comment. Anyway, I could never write about this Issue, since I am the Angel of Life. I always write about LIFE, and positive things. I seldom write, when I am on my blues, or in a nostalgic mood or weeping mood. Although, I do have some sad poems. Life is too short anyway, so let us talk in a positive way...Hugs and Love Always, from Stardust. (Have you seen my image in the Face of the Artist, Sartor??) Bye the way, It is on page 16, Post 160.

[alanmdouglas]

Dear Sartor,


glad I was able to be of some help.

Re commons - normally it would be "standing on the common" singular, and this would tend to be a non-built area, so is contradicted by the next line about the fountain on the square. That is why I did not understand your use.

Love
Alan

[Sartor]

Stardust........I have seen your photo. You are a fine looking poet. I perhaps would use your suggestion of Tantos in a future bit of poetry, if I knew what the term referred to. I have no recollection of that being used in Greek or Roman mythology. Perhaps you can explain. Thank you for your kind comments.

Alan...........I am not comfortable using the singular "common" as I have never heard of it used that way. One always speaks of it as "The Commons" much like speaking of "The Downs", or "The Hamptons", etc. Regardless of which is correct or incorrect, it "fits" for me to use it as the commons. Thanks for your remarks and I very much appreciate your taking the time to be involved.

[MJWinton3]

Sartor,

I am an inspiring writer. I started on my book a little over a month ago, but recently came across your poem. It was almost like you had been reading what I have and have not written thus far! Your description of the Angel is an exact description of my heroine. I wanted to know what your plans were for publication. Do you have any? Have you already published? Essentially, I was hoping to quote your poem as an opener to my book, if you would permit me. I would like to give you full credit for this beautiful work of art. If you are interested, please email me. I'd love to speak more about it.

Congrats on such a beautifully written poem!
Melissa