The Critique Saloon:

[mangodroplet]

As rays of dying sunlight hit the trees
and birds fly from their hunting to their nests,
the air turns still as night starts to progress
and dark shadows swoop down from hidden cracks.

The creatures scurry fast away from death
as darkness creeps along the forest floor.

The mist entwines and makes a milky sea.
and entities of beings sight unseen
make ready for the war in dark or light,
and all seems though the dark may rule the land
as nowhere can the light be found again,
and dark makes comfortable their reign of sleep.

But as the dark is happy in its rule,
the light makes small encroaches in the place.
Small pockets of true light give hope for them
who lay awake imprisoned in the dark.

And quick! The light bursts from its hiding holes.
An epic battle starts as soldiers clash.

The birds begin to screech the dark away,
and as the dark has reigned upon the land,
the light will too create a throne to have
the domination of the sprites and beasts.

But as the humans do not learn the past,
and know that past repeats itself in time,
the light and dark again will battle soon
and all is just a cycle to be seen.

[mcglinnen]

Hi, I’m new around here myself and a bit unsure of how this forum works but what the heck….


Your poem is incredibly descriptive, the metaphors outstanding. I love it when reading a poem one begins with a sense of where the poem is going only to have that sense crushed. At first I though this a very nice nature poem then began to smile as I began to see a tapestry woven within the poem that had far greater meaning. So many levels to this poem…..

[mangodroplet]

thanks so much!
Yeah....I like it when that happens too!

Thanks so much for your input!

is there anything that I can fix?

[Sartor]

Hi Anna,
You may try using proper punctuation and caps. I believe it would improve the reading of it. As for the name, I do not believe it falls in the category of a poetic epic, unless I am missing the grand scheme of your poetry. Does lightness and darkness translate into good vs evil? If so I think that implication needs to be expanded for clarity.

EPIC
An extended narrative poem, usually simple in construction, but grand in scope, exalted in style, and heroic in theme, often giving expression to the ideals of a nation or race. In modern use, the term, "epic," is generally applied to all lengthy works on matters of great importance.

[mangodroplet]

Yes, I know what epic means in poetry...

but this poem is supposed to be alluding to the great battle in life.

thanks for the suggestion, I'll look into capitalizing and punctuation. Thanks!

[zaac]

this is actually pretty good mango. would just have a few suggestions as far as breaking it up into paragraphs, using some punctuation and some word choices in a couple places.

there's a lot of information in this piece that is very picturesque and is kind cluttered together which takes away from it. you have decent structure as far as where to end sentences and paragraphs. Making smaller paragraphs makes it more attractive to the eye at first glance. Punctuation is just a small issue that would help a reader digest one visual at a time. The word choices were only in a couple places and were just little grammar things. But overall, this is a nice piece.

zaac

[mangodroplet]

Could you please tell me where you think all these things could be at? I'd really really really really really appreciate it!! I need to learn and I'd be eternally grateful if you'd tell me where all these fixes need to be! I constantly need help