The Critique Saloon:

[violetpearl]

The Ghost boy floats like a doppelganger
In mists of swamp filled nights that seep their blacks
Through lights of day, curtailing shine and bright
Far, far south of this dreary, draping place.
Light plays its shades on sheens of curtains and
Flits its Dracula wings like drum brush sticks
Centre to the alabaster bard cage
Crushing it to shards that splinter, burst veins
Kill capillaries all in ghost boy’s name.
The cupboard where the inward eye lays, opens,
Releases ghost boys face like tremors of spit
The longing, yearning can it continue?
The inanimate anthropomorphise and everything is love
Corners have crumbs in them that hold hands
And spoons and forks are entwining in shelves
The kettles steams white and ghost boy holds out
A withering hand and a flat mirror
Hell gasps out through the reflection of dense.
Though cold I will kiss the silver tyrant
And you’ll hear my bleached cackle all the way
Up the aisle as I hold in melting palms
My ghost lover’s tough eagle gripped hands.

[butchiesmom]

Certainly a black, cold image you invoke here! I've made a few suggestions. I hope it helps!

Gail

In mists of swamp filled nights which seep their blacks

Light plays its shades on sheens (?) of curtains and (sheens? is this a typo or something else? Please explain)

Centre to the alabaster bard (?) cage (is this a typo?)

Kill capillaries all in Ghost Boy’s name. (since this is a proper noun, it should be capitalized)

Releases Ghost Boy’s face like tremors of spit

Corners have crumbs in them which hold hands

The kettles steam white and Ghost Boy holds out

[Mysty]

Hi Gail,

A sheen is a shine off of something......

Rhona to continue the critique somewhat ........ this line Hell gasps out through the reflection of dense.

Dense should be density should it not?? But other than the changes Gail suggests and this one of mine......you have a fine poem here. Thank you for sharing.

Mysty

[violetpearl]

thanks all. All feed back is appreaciated.