The Critique Saloon:

[Sartor]

I BLEED RED, WHITE AND BLUE

From the hot Sonora Desert,
where the tall saguaro grows,
to the northwest Cascade Mountains,
where the great Columbia flows.
From the lobster traps in Boston,
where the cold nor’easter blows,
To the rugged Rocky Mountains,
dressed in frozen winter snows.
I deeply love this land of plenty,
and Bud, I’m telling you.
If they ever cut me open,
I would bleed red, white and blue!

I have served beneath her banner,
In both peacetime and in war.
Fighting to preserve our freedoms,
keeping tyranny from our door.
Were I called into the battle,
I would gladly go once more.
Someday I know I’ll follow,
my old comrades gone before.
If they need some patriotism,
tap my veins before I’m through,
then stand by for a flood of love,
I bleed red, white and blue!

Whether she’s standing at the gale,
or floating on the breeze,
or snapping in the autumn wind,
it sets my heart at ease.
To see Old Glory on parade,
or through a vale of trees,
or on a solders uniform,
it never fails to please.
And, this old Veteran proudly stands,
allegiance I renew,
just ask and I’ll give all my blood,
I bleed red, white and blue.

Sartor

[alanmdouglas]

Dear Sartor,

I think I’ve noted before that you do not like too much interference in your poems, so I have steered clear, but this is so (almost) good that I wanted to offer you a few alts, to adopt, adapt, or chuck. Where I have made a change, there is a *. Compare line by line, or in some cases, a few lines at a time. Sometimes I have changed a word which has already just appeared, sometimes I hope I have improved the flow with enjambment, have a look at each of my offerings, and take what you like.

One thing - read both versions ALOUD, the touongue cannot glide over gltsches the way the eye does.

Love
Alan

I BLEED RED, WHITE AND BLUE

From the hot Sonora Desert,
where the tall saguaro grows,
to the northwest’s* Cascade Mountains,
where the great Columbia flows;*
f*rom the lobster traps of* Boston,
where the cold nor’easter blows,
t*o the rugged Rocky Mountains,
dressed in frozen winter snows.
I deeply love this land of plenty,
and Bud, I’m telling you, - “Bud” spoils this great oration !
if they ever cut me open,
I will* bleed red, white and blue!

I’ve* served beneath her banner,
i*n both peacetime and in war,*
f*ighting to keep* our freedoms,
keeping tyranny from the* door.
If I were* I called *to the battle,
I would gladly go once more.
Someday I know I’ll follow,
those* old comrades gone before.
If they need some patriotism,
tap my veins before I’m through,
then stand by for a flood of love,
I bleed red, white and blue!

Whether she’s standing at the gale,
or floating on the breeze,
or snapping in an* autumn wind,
it sets my heart at ease (no endstop
*to see Old Glory on parade,
or through a vale of trees,
and* on a solders uniform,
it never fails to please.
As* this old Veteran proudly stands,
allegiance I renew,
just ask and I will* give * my blood,
for* I bleed red, white and blue.

[Sartor]

Hi Alan.
Thank you for critiquing the poem. I have changed my original post and included most of your suggestions. Those I did not change I have noted in red text, simply for your information. Feel free to critique any of my poetry. As always, if a change does not seem to fit for me.....I simply do not change. But where I see a definite improvement, in my way of thinking, I will so change. Thanks again and feel free to comment.

Sartor

I BLEED RED, WHITE AND BLUE

From the hot Sonora Desert,
where the tall saguaro grows,
to the northwest Cascade Mountains, (I have difficulty reading it as Northwest‘s)
where the great Columbia flows,
from the lobster traps in Boston,
where the cold nor’easter blows,
to the rugged Rocky Mountains,
dressed in frozen winter snows.
I deeply love this land of plenty,
her beauty I imbue, (complete new line)
if they ever cut me open,
I will bleed red, white and blue!

I’ve served beneath her banner,
in both peacetime and in war,
fighting to preserve our freedoms, (will keep preserve, next line starts with keeping)
keeping tyranny from the door.
If my country calls me forward, (complete new line)
I will gladly go once more.
Someday I know I’ll follow,
those old comrades gone before.
If they need some patriotism,
tap my veins before I’m through,
then stand by for a flood of love,
I bleed red, white and blue!

Whether she’s standing at the gale,
or floating on the breeze,
or snapping in an autumn wind,
it sets my heart at ease
to see Old Glory on parade,
or through a vale of trees,
and on a solders uniform,
it never fails to please.
As this old Veteran proudly stands,
allegiance I renew,
just ask and I will give my blood,
for I bleed red, white and blue.

Sartor

[Sealiah]

Sartor - First off, I wanna say that this is lovely. It made me remember why I joined up in the first place. Thank you.

Whether she’s standing at the gale,
or floating on the breeze,
or snapping in an autumn wind,
it sets my heart at ease
To see Old Glory on parade,
or through a vale of trees,
and on a solders uniform,
its never failed to please.
As this old Veteran proudly stands,
allegiance I renew,
just ask and I will give my blood,
For I bleed red, white and blue.

I highlighted in dark red what I would change in the last stanza, just to smooth out the rythmn. Feel free to adopt or chuck it. ^^

[Sartor]

Sealiah.........Thank you for reading and commenting on the poem. You say you have joined...........are you presently in the armed forces?

Here is my take on the changes you suggested.

To see Old Glory on parade, (you capped the first word but this is a continuation of the previous line in the sentence, so it should not be capped)

its never failed to please. (This is actually the final line in the sentence referred to above. Its is a contraction of "it is", therefore it should remain only as "it".

For I bleed red, white and blue. (Again you capped the word "for" and this line is also the continuation of a sentence, so should not be capitalized.

[Sealiah]

Hrm, the reason I suggested the caps was because it put emphasis on the beginning of that line's rythmn, not due to grammar.

Also, when I wrote "it's" I meant It has. Ah well.

As for my joining, yes, I am in the Air Force.

[Sartor]

A Flygirl.........good for you. I was Navy long, long ago. I know many ppets do not use punctuation any more and many do not even use caps, but to me it porvides the stops and starts, the pauses and proceeds when I read the piece. Thanks for commenting and have a great day.