The Critique Saloon:

[PaintedDiary]

Like A Phoenix (I Am Painted Diary)

I am not afraid
to straighten my spine
shake that monkey
break that chain
royal blood leaves a Crimson stain
and still I shall rise like the Phoenix

I am Painted Diary
tall as a Cypress
long as the Nile
malleable as Cleopatra's Gold
and still I shall rise like the Phoenix

Greatness walks with me
mountains applaud my soliloquy
I am Painted Diary and my
heart speaks phonetically
and still I shall rise like the Phoenix

Watchful eyes sharply pierce
God's hand break me free
from indigenous ashes I burn
and rose like the Phoenix

[MsJacquiiC]

KIM................

The suggestion I made earlier, before this piece got ZAPPED (LOL) you've taken. I think the repetitive "and still I shall rise like a Phoenix" is better stated as you've edited: "and still I shall rise like THE Phoenix"

This piece is quite masterfully written, very eloquently scribed in fact. I did notice one thing in the very last stanza:

Watchful eyes sharply pierce
God's hand break me free
from indigenous ashes I burn
and rose like the Phoenix

I like the "no-punctuation" route you've taken with this piece. But perhaps the last stanza should have punctuation? --- Just an idea - And I'm not even sure about it - but I'll lay it out anyway

Watchful eyes sharply pierce, <------------ comma after "pierce"
God's hand break me free. <------------------ period after "free"
From indigenous ashes I've burned <------- capital "F" in from, "I" to "I've", "burn" to "burned" ---- makes the sentence past tense
and risen like a Phoenix! <------------------ "rose" to "risen", "the" to "a" ending in exclamation point... Not the "a" makes the title lustrious

subtle changes LOL - that can be taken or not taken at all.

Perfectly scribed piece Poet! Very eloquently written and beautiful sentiments! = Gotta love the "essense" of the Phoenix

Very nice share!
Thanx

Jacquii.

[zaac]

i disagree strongly with the and still i...

first each statement made is a positive...to say "still" would imply that you are rising in spite of the statements you made prior to it or that those things you said were negative and you were rising in spite of those things. this doesnt make sense because you are rising BECAUSE of the things or even doing these things as you rise, like getting rid of the monkey off your back.

if it was me, i would put "and so I rise"
zaac

[MsJacquiiC]

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Originally Posted by zaac

if it was me, i would put "and so I rise"

WHOA Zaac! Interesting... Didn't think of it that way...

Now that I re-read it - you may be right... I'll have to ponder this one...

Jacquii.

[PaintedDiary]

Like A Phoenix (I Am Painted Diary)


I am not afraid
to straighten my spine
shake that monkey
break that chain
royal blood leaves a Crimson stain
and so I rise like a Phoenix

I am Painted Diary
tall as a Cypress
long as the Nile
malleable as Cleopatra's Gold
and so I rise like a Phoenix

Greatness walks with me
mountains applaud my soliloquy
I am Painted Diary and my
heart speaks phonetically
and so I rise like a Phoenix

Watchful eyes sharply pierce
God's hand break me free
From indigenous ashes I've burned
and will risen again like a Phoenix

I loved both of your responses and combined them. Ms Jacquii, Zaac, Master Grumps, and anyone interested please let me know what you think, and I thank you all for your help in this.

Kim

[athlone]

PD - I thoroughly enjoyed this. The lilting melody of repetition like a recurring wave moving the theme ever onward to a momentous climax.
I only have one nit (which I think others have mentioned before):

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Watchful eyes sharply pierce
God's hand break me free
from indigenous ashes I burn
and rose like the Phoenix

I would change to:

The Following Text Is Quoted:

and will rise again like the Phoenix

Zvi

[PaintedDiary]

Dear Athlone,

Thank you for visiting my poem, I am honored. Yes, you are absolutely right. When I finished the revision, I struggled with THAT LAST LINE, as I wanted to extend it. I love the line you suggested, and will work it in to the revision #2. I admire you, and your exquisite work...as this means a great deal to me. Thank you so much Athlone. Much Love.

{{{{~~~***PD***~~~}}}}

[nomadicrhymer]

Queen Painted! Fabulous work...this is a masterfully crafted triumphant read...I have to say the "zaac suggestion" was right on point. The poem is that much more satisfying...great write

I think if you will punctuate, though...it shouldn't stand out like the two lines you have done...either go all the way or none.

Nomad

[dazamaru]

how about "Again, I rise like a Phoenix.......seems like that solves the perspective and past/present tense issues with a otherwise reputable work.

its a great inspiring read regardless....

"I am not afraid to straighten my spine..."---memorable.

[PaintedDiary]

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Originally Posted by dazamaru

how about "Again, I rise like a Phoenix.......seems like that solves the perspective and past/present tense issues with a otherwise reputable work.

its a great inspiring read regardless....

"I am not afraid to straighten my spine..."---memorable.

Dear poet,

Thank you for taking precious time to read and comment. I am humbled by your reply, as I have read your masterful works. This reply is special also because it is the first time a poet ever read my work, and called it memorable. That brought tears to my eyes. I know I gotta fly now. That is a beautiful ending you suggested as I take flight.

{{{{~~~***PAINTED***~~~}}}}