The Critique Saloon:

[deborahinwi]

Bastard

Egotistical sinews tighten
Yes, the world revolves around you
arrogance lends to the dance
But your a dam good screw

Your sickness lies deep
Pushes everyone away
Faithful only unto yourself
Your just such a bastard

You make me sick.

---------- Post added at 11:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:08 PM ----------

Ok, i did a little more work on this & I like this better. Please tell me what you think


Egotistical sinews tighten
Yes, the world revolves around you
arrogance lends to the dance
But your a dam good screw

Your sickness lies deep
Pushes everyone away
Your just such a bastard
I'm the one will pay

You make me sick.

[butchiesmom]

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Originally Posted by deborahinwi

Bastard

Egotistical sinews tighten
Yes, the world revolves around you
arrogance lends to the dance
But you're a dam good screw

Your sickness lies deep
Pushes everyone away
Faithful only unto yourself

You're such a bastard

I love the first version. I felt your anger and perhaps pain wanted to bitch slap that person for you, lol.
It would've taken me much, much longer to write what you did in just 11 lines.
That said, I made a few suggestions Please ignore them if you disagree.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

Gail

[nomadicrhymer]

I'm getting the two emotions pulling at you like a tug-of-war. You are sickened by the "bastard" but still can't stay away... at least physically. Great emotion and even better... great enlightenment because you can look at it from a third person's standpoint and see that it's a "sick" relationship. I like the second version since I feel that it acknowledges the final outcome... YOU will pay.

There are some grammatical errors as Gail pointed out above.

"But you're a dam n good screw"

" You're just such a bastard
I'm the one who will pay"


Overall strong, emotive writing

Nomad