The Critique Saloon:

[Tiel Aisha Ansari]

In her dreams, she sees white horses.

She looks quite ordinary,
brown hair in braids or a bun
neat dress, sensible shoes.
Cheerful and competent, unremarkable.

In her dreams, she sees white horses.

White horses pass in the street below.
Their riders throw roses at the balcony,
but they fall unregarded in the street.
Jasmine twines the balcony rail.

In her dreams, she sees white horses.

Always overlooked when present,
her absence created some concern.
Someone else would have to do her job--
but whyever would she go away?

In her dreams, she sees white horses.

When they searched her desk at work,
they found no note, no photographs
no sign of human occupation.
Her apartment smelled... ever so faintly... of jasmine.

In her dreams, she sees white horses.

[J. Marie]

I found this to be quite a creative piece of work! I enjoyed it and read it a few times.....I like the story line here that you protrayed. It leaves the reader wondering what happen to her...to me she finally went out to follow her dreams! Leaving all behind. Great job!

[Abae]

You know she's out there riding those white horses, this is nice work and it feels right. Change needed, no, just my opinion.

[PaintedDiary]

Dear Teil Aisha Ansari,
I just loved this storem (my word for story & poem, combined). She got on the white horse in her dreams and simply rode away....into her own dream. In my visual, I loved how you scribed that the roses were unregarded in the street as they were thrown. Roses are very "beautiful", and she was described as very "ordinary". In her dream, was the opposite. The "beautiful" roses were unregarded, and the "ordinary" gal, was looked upon as "beautiful". That was breathtaking. The hint of jasmine played a major piece of imagery in the end....only as a fragrance that now lingers, as this "ordinary" spirit, rode into her dreams, and has become quite "extraordinary". Beautiful write!

Painted Diary aka Kimberly

[Tiel Aisha Ansari]

Thanks for the comments, all!

[erikestabrook]

hey Tiel just a bit of critcal thinking from me if in her dreams she sees white horses is the focal point it would suit the poem best to elaborate on that dream further in the ending this would add fullfillment to the readet and leav ethem satisfied instaed of levaing them wondering what more is their to thi sgirkl as I was left also this is soemthing that could have multiple parts

[alanmdouglas]

Dear Tiel,

Interesting subject, and quite well done too. I would use that repeat line only at the end of each verse, so the impact would be greater. ie not the first line. What I offer here is for YOU to decide to adopt, adapt, or chuck - you must remain in charge of your poem. I can show alt views, you pick, incl none.

Changed words or Del are in caps, changed puncts no signal. You seem to also have a confusion of tenses, which I hope I have sorted, but your choice.

By insetting the final repeat line, it stands out less, UNTIL you want it too, thus raising the impact. When I first read the poem, that was what I read first, several times, so the element of surprise or mystery was dissipated.

Altogether a fine work, damn it, where/why did she go ???? Hope this has been of a little help ?

Love
Alan

She looks quite ordinary,
WITH brown hair in braids or DEL bun
A neat dress, sensible shoes.
She’S Cheerful competent, AND unremarkable.
In her dreams, she sees white horses.

White horses pass in the street below,
riders throwING roses at the balcony,
TO fall unregarded INTO the street.
Jasmine twines the balcony rail.
In her dreams, she sees white horses.

BARELY NOTICED when present,
her absence THOUGH, CreatES concern.
WHO wILL do her job--
DEL why ever would she go away?
In her dreams, she sees white horses.

When they searchDEL her desk DEL,
DEL no note, no photograph - SINGULAR PHOTOGRAPH
no sign of human ACTIVITY.
Her apartment smellS ... ever so faintly... of jasmine.
In her dreams, she sees white horses.

enough ?

Ps I had the last line indented by 1 tab, but that did not show here.

[Amzy]

Captivating and mysterious, I like it. But I think I read it differently that the other reviewers...what I see is a darkness, that the gal committed suicide for want of escape from ordinary. She now enjoys eternal slumber and has the constant dream.

I too, noticed the change in tense from present to past, and I think I understand the reason. When she is present, you use present tense, and after she dies (or leaves) you use past tense to indicate her absense. So then...the last two occurences of the horses should read:

"In her dreams, she SAW white horses."

Regardless of interpretation, either the girl is past tense, or the dreams are past tense because she now lives them.

[mbironneau]

"In her dreams, she sees white horses."

The repetition is very efficient. It helps establish the not-so-ordinary nature of your protagonist when contrasted with her "unremarkable" nature.
I also like how you play with the idea of a dream world and a reality: the idea of riders throwing roses and the dreams with the white horses both belong to a world of fantasy, whereas the last stanza brings us back to reality. It is as if we too are caught up in the girls' dreams, only to realize the sad truth of the matter. It reminded me of the end of the movie "The Gladiator", when maximus is about to die and he has visions of his wife and children waiting for him in Elysium.
For some reason, the word "unregarded" caught my attention in a negative way, maybe because it sounds like the word "unremarkable", but that is very trivial.

This piece caught my attention. very dark and really sad. much enjoyed!




Paul