The Critique Saloon:

[PaintedDiary]

Hey Everyone! I copied & pasted this piece from the Short Story Section because I am thinking of submitting this piece in a couple of Mystery Short Story Contests. I wanted to take a brief walk on the dark side. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


You've Got Mail {Flash Fiction}

It's late, about 2:30 am. She jumps on the PC. No mood for television. Lightning flashes. Raindrops sound mysterious against her window pane. She checks e-mail first.

"Wanna play hide and seek?". Sender unknown.
I w-i-l-l p-l-a-y, she typed. A half hour passed, still no response. Although, she felt like somebody was x-raying her. Checked e-mail again. "I was gonna play!", she laughed out loud. Then----her windows frost and a deep voice whispers, "GO SEEK". Erotic shadows dance on her screen.

Frozen with fear, she cannot move or speak. Her ribcage pulsates. Hands from behind, massages her neck and explores her anatomy. Her exhale, now irregular, seems to approve the invasion. She echoes somberly, wondering who could this be. She turns around and screams. Screams are silenced. Hellish maggots laugh at her, while dissolving her soul into damnation. Devil types back, Y-o-u F-o-o-l!

[Altree94]

Creepy!!! I am sitting here all alone out in the boonies, in front of my PC and it is raining!!!! Why did I have to read this!? LOL!
Seriously - it is a fine piece and the only way I can see to improve it would be to check the spelling.
Wondering - not wandering
Massage - not message.
This one looks like a winner to me!

[PaintedDiary]

Dear Tree,
What would I do without you!!! Good thing I teach Science, hunh? Luv Ya for pointing out my (as usual) spelling errors!!!! LOL!!!! Thank you also for taking the time to read, and comment. I am glad you enjoyed the story.

Kim

[Amzy]

Interesting concept, and little room for improvement.

First paragraph: Ok, the typical horror scene set-up, but it seems incongruous to check e-mail in a lightning storm. You say she checks e-mail first....first before what? First implies more than one action. You could set up a series of actions, "she prepares to shut down and go to sleep, but decides to check her e-mail first". Alternatively, and preferably, drop the 'first'.

Second Paragraph: Intrigue, mystery. Nice. But you changed tense, suddenly everything is past tense, where paragraph one was present, and you switch back to present tense in paragraph three.

Third Paragraph: This is great, physical contact from an e-mail. I don't like your use of 'explores her anatomy'. I can't tell if you are hinting at some uninvited groping of an erogenous zone, or her entire body...or maybe you meant her earlobe. The problem here comes from your specific use of neck being contrasted with the ambiguity of 'anatomy'. Try replacing neck with body, and leave everything to the reader's imagination. It's either that, or write a more detailed massage scene.

Concept: LIke I said, intriguing. I like how you use the innocent child's game
to initiate this horror. I'm not sure what the character was supposed to seek, should she perhaps hide instead? I suspect this is something I am missing.

[PaintedDiary]

You've Got Mail {Flash Fiction}

It's late, about 2:30 in the morning. It has been raining off and on all evening, and into the early morning hours. Rachael jumps on the PC. Raindrops sound mysterious against her window pane. Rachael decides to check her e-mail, before going to bed.

A strange e-mail apparently was sent, however, appears to be harmless, so Rachael, opens the e-mail. "Wanna play hide and seek?". Sender unknown.
I w-i-l-l p-l-a-y, she types. Thinking back when she played this innocent child's game, and how much fun she had. A half hour passes by and still no response. Although, she feels like someone was x-raying her, with watchful eyes. Rachael decides to check her e-mail again. "I w-a-s g-o-n-n-a p-l-a-y!", she types, as she says this loudly, followed by a hearty laugh. Then...the rain became so intense that Rachael could barely see out of her windows. Suddendly, Rachael barely heard a deep voice whisper, "BETTER HIDE". Erotic shadows began to dance on her screen, accompanied by the words "LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER PLAY "HIDE AND SEEK".

Frozen with fear, Rachael cannot move or speak. Her ribcage pulsates. Hands from behind, massages her body and explores her anatomy. Her exhale, now irregular, seems to approve the invasion. She echoes somberly, wondering who could this be. She turns around and screams. Screams are silenced. Hellish maggots laugh at her, while dissolving her soul into damnation. Devil types back, Y-o-u F-o-o-l!

[Amzy]

Remember...you asked for it.

"into the early morning hours" is redundant...you've already established the time. Pick one or the other.

Jumping onto the PC screams energy and excitement, possibly anticipation. This is a stark contrast to geting ready for bed.

The Following Text Is Quoted:

A strange e-mail apparently was sent, however, appears to be harmless, so Rachael, opens the e-mail. "Wanna play hide and seek?".

The above sentance is run-on, and repetative with forms of the word "appear". The mail wasn't apparently sent, it was definately received. Assert the fact and your 'appear' redundancy will be removed.

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Thinking back when she played this innocent child's game, and how much fun she had.

Rachael's thinking is a fragment, and could have been appended to the previous sentance with a comma, rather than separated with a period. But...I would suggest removing it completely. Hide and seek is a common enough game that readers will know it, and the child-like innocence around it. When you try to drive the fact in like that, then you give the vibe of thinking your readers are too stupid to make the connection themselves.

The threat of 'Last time you will play' is far too much forshadowing for the outcome.

She echoes? What is she echoing? Odd verb to use there.


Keep up the great work.

[PaintedDiary]

Trying again, I am determined to be a mystery short story writer!! LOL!!! Special thanks to Amzy, for helping me perfect this piece.

You've Got Mail {Flash Fiction}

It's late, about 2:30 in the morning, and it has been raining off and on. Heavy raindrops sound mysterious against Rachael's window pane; yet makes her sleepy. Before bed, Rachael decides to check her e-mail.

Rachael receives a strange e-mail. After contemplating, Rachael decides to open it. "Wanna play hide and seek?". Sender unknown. I w-i-l-l p-l-a-y, she types. A half hour passes by and still no response. Although, she feels like someone is x-raying her, with watchful eyes. Rachael decides to check her e-mail again. "I w-a-s g-o-n-n-a p-l-a-y!", she types, followed by a hearty laugh. Then...the rain become so intense that Rachael can barely see out of her windows. Suddendly, Rachael hears a deep voice whisper, "BETTER HIDE", as erotic shadows begin to dance on her screen.

Frozen with fear, Rachael cannot move or speak. Her ribcage pulsates. Hands from behind, massages her body and explores her anatomy. Her exhale, now irregular, seems to approve the invasion. She sighs somberly, wondering who could this be. She turns around and screams. Screams are silenced. Hellish maggots laugh at her, while devouring her soul into damnation. Devil types back, Y-o-u F-o-o-l!

[Amzy]

In my eyes, it's EXCELLENT! I am sorry, I have no more to offer.

[PaintedDiary]

Dear Amzy,

Thank you again for all your help in this venture. I am very grateful. You are the best!! Take Care.

Painted Kim:word_thankyou: