Essays:

[muhowhow]

I feel so trapped. This place called California is so hopeless. Perhaps I have transcended to see the situation in a realistic light because I'm so ready to start my life and I cannot. There are many things wrong with this state. Most things have to do with the economy. Ours is infamous because theres no possible way I can see that people will be able to fix it. We keep trying, like beating a dead horse but the only way we can completely renew it is to let it die and build it stronger and bigger on the ashes of the old one.
I digress, for now at least.
My life starts when I get to Colorado. What I have experienced here is well... let me put it this way. I should have loved life so much, growing up around relatives and friends and having many firsts, but I always wished there was someplace better. In honesty, I hate it here. Its not my kind of place. When I looked out over what everyone told me was a beautiful beach sunset, I almost cried because I wished I was watching that sunset from somewhere sweeter. When I saw the beach, I saw the gross waters of the California coast, overpopulated and with the lingering stench of piss. If we have to patronize a place like that perhaps its time to move on.
Like I said, I always wondered if there was somewhere better, where the people weren't always putting on masks and pretending to be truly happy. Little did I know, this place exists. I soon payed a visit to what WILL be my new home, and my beginning dream; Colorado.

The people were all.... untroubled. Uncritical of everything, no one was stressed or sad at all for that matter. Everyone handled themselves with a sense of "just relax, it will all work out.". It was beautiful. It almost brought a tear too my eye.

The economic situation was stable. There is no sign of trouble at all, as if its untouched by financial corruption at all. On top of that, everyone has a place. Everyone seems to be where they want. As if it was easy enough to just say, "I would be perfect for JC penny stockwork, I think I'll apply there" and you would get the job. Such a feeling of acceptance brought that tear to my eye.

The scenery was just.... there isn't a word to describe it. Frozen waterfalls in the winter, snowcapped mountains not far off in the distance in the summer, snow off through the year. I feel like I actually have to put effort into life, unlike the lazy predictable 80 average here. Then I realized that all these things are afforded to me before I even consider that I get to pursue my interests as well. I get to keep playing guitar, getting better equipment, keep training to be a programmer. This and many more. I even already have friends out there to hang with, not to mention a family member and a person that is more than a friend, he is a brother too me. This final realization brought me too a full on weep of happiness, for I had found where I belong.

As long as I remain here, I remain slightly depressed and deprived of that sweet sweet mountain air. The dawns wont be dawns, they will be markers of another day wasted in the wasteland. I don't belong here, and I have no way of getting to CO. Even though my goal can be met with a specific amount of money. I know that I can get there and be set with $2000. I probably won't even need that much. This is such terrible irony, that I finally know where I belong yet I cannot get there.

I can't go on like this. I used to write horrible evil works because I could find so much inspiration around me, but since I found my place I can only write about happiness and the sadness related to not being there. Its changed me, into a happy individual. I have hope again. I can see the light in most anything, but it won't last if I can't be in my element. I just can't stand it. I hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here! And I know I can't get out easily at all. Money is a rarity these days, especially for an 18 year old with hardly a resume to speak of. I experienced something truly sad the other day.

I went to a tryout for a sign waving job. So did 20 others, as expected. What I didn't expect was a grim reminder of how horrible things really are, and how hopeless my situation really is. All of them were 25-30 or older, and had impressive resumes and stuffed portfolios. They were all people that were laid off. Former district managers and such. These kind of people applying for a SIGN WAVING JOB. Theres no hope for me. There simply aren't any jobs left to go around. What little opportunities happen to appear will be the property of all the business men with experience. Our youth in this state are completely screwed. So am I. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I know its been kind of a rant, but thank you for listening to my sorrow. Here's to the endless struggle of getting to a place I belong.

*Corey raises a glass of white wine to an invisible audience, toasting with all who are willing.*