Final Edit:

[J. Marie]

My Dream

I have a dream
of one velvet day
of passionate love play.

To be made love to
entirely as a woman,
in a room full of candle
lit glow upon a bed of
RED and WHITE
ROSE petals
symbolizing unity.

As a sweet aroma
fills the air,
a light zephyr gently flows
through a slightly
open window.

The delicate breeze cools
two bodies in motion
that radiate shadows
upon the walls.
Capturing intense
moments of
burning desire!

So genuine as soft moans
echo thru the hall.

[MsJacquiiC]

J. Marie - I think you are not seriously considering publishing this poem

This poem is definitely suffering and you have not really taken into consideration any of the ideas that your fellow poets have suggested.

What I suggest is that you request this to be removed from the category of
Final Edit - I'm kinda disappointed that you would even consider posting in this category without SERIOUS revision process that publication deserves!

I did not like this revision of yours at all, as it shows a horrid disrespect of the fellow poet of JPiC Community who have offered you suggestions!

The revision process is NOT to be done in one day with on minute of taking 2 suggestions "verbotim"

This revision looks like you are making a horrible OINK sound of poetry!

I suggest you take a hard look at your poem and think to yourself if you want to actually publish OR have poetry as a hobby.

I have written several poems myself and have submitted them to various publications. I have received "pink slips" also known as horrid rejection letters - This poem that you've submitted to the "Final Edit" would receive neither!

Check the following thread: http://jpicforum.info/showthread.php?t=591

If you're serious about publication - I would suggest you either 1. take you fellow JPiC poets' suggestions as HONEST - 2. you really work on your revision process & 3. work on the true art form that is within your own words!

I thought your poem had much potential, but the revision that you've submitted: I'd kinda giggle at.

Seriously,

Jacquii.