Inspiring Novelists:

[PaintedDiary]

Dear Alan, I am sorry if this is a little more than what was required, but my mind would not let go of this story. I did use all ten words, and enjoyed the challenge very much. I am still in the "working out the many, many, kinks stage", the tenses, descriptive words, sentence structure, and more of what this story needs to "come alive", so to speak, so bear with the story, as it is a first draft or shell if you will.

Year:1910
Town: Nottingham, WV

Copyright Kimberly D. Robinson
April 2007

Beautiful Train

Rebeca Rochester read about a small town once a leading producer of coal, in the 1800's. Now plagued by mysterious disappearances. She worked as a reporter at a prominent paper with two partners, Cory Michaels, and Noel Wentworth. The young trio were curious about this strange Coal Town, and set out to investigate. After traveling from Pennsylvania, they finally arrived on the barren soil of Nottingham.

The town was bleak, and felt watched. An odd burning stench seemed to welcome their nostrils. They assumed the air was toxic, so they brought masks for protection. They immediately started interviewing towns people about the disappearances. Their arrival created chaos and a sense of urgency. What happened to these people, that seemed to just___vanish? Why are the towns people so scared?

There was an old railroad station that went through the town like an artery. Old, inoperable, and abandoned would fit the description. The trio asked if anyone have investigated the grounds around the old trains. That question alone, cleared a room in a matter of minutes. Another anomaly the reporters faced, was the fact that the older towns people shuttered in fear at the site of Rebeca, and proclaimed Black Annie was back!!

The reaction surrounding this person known as "Black Annie" sparked a crusade to find out more. The reporters set out to the Old Local Library. Rebeca asked the Librarian to help find information about "Black Annie". The Librarian was a very sophisticated looking woman, with look of peace on her face. Now a ghastly and feverish look poured over her face, from just the sight of Rebeca. Rebeca and her partners were frightened of her reaction. The Librarian gave Rebeca a mirror and proceeded to open a locked closet. She unveiled a secret Black Box, that had "Black Annie" scratched on the top. The closet and the Black Box smelled of a horrid burning stench, that made them all gag. The Librarian said only one word to them before vomiting behind the desk, she said....."Death". There was an old key with a quill like handle in a pouch on the side of the box. The reporters opened the box.

Noel ran, saying he had to vomit, and was going to the Mens Lavatory. The comfort level now had rose to a feel of evil, yet Cory and Rebeca continued their mission, not knowing what the consequences were. Inside the Black Box was a very poor quality picture of Black Annie, a piece of the finest Bituminous Coal, and newspaper clippings of stories about a woman named Anna Bordeaux. Anna Bordeaux was the most beautiful woman in town, and that she had many men. Married men, single men, as well as many woman too. A taboo she flaunted with a smile, and a laugh that took her to the bank. When she began to lose her beauty, no one wanted anything to do with Anna, and she vowed revenge on all who turned their cheek. When her beauty began to fade, Anna began to work the railroad. She chose to work in the bowels of the most beautiful train in all of West Virginia, feeding the furnace, by shoveling coal. Anna was always covered in soot, was deemed unattractive, and teased by everyone. The town began to laugh at her and named her "Black Annie". She was quickly forgotten. Or was she?

When Rebeca touched Anna's picture, a spark knocked the picture from her hand and the picture flew back into the dreaded box, and the box locked. Odd thing was....Rebeca was still holding the key. At that point the Librarian began to grouse like they never seen before, and was rather unkind.

That oh so familiar burning stench filled the entire library. The Librarian demanded their immediate exit. Rebeca placed the mirror and the key in her pocket. Rebeca and Cory ran as fast as they could, realizing that Noel never returned. They ran back to the Men's Lavatory and came to a fearful halt. Slowly they opened the door, and Noel was no where to be found, and a burning stench of flesh overwhelmed them. No time for sorrow, they continued to run out of the Library, and soon Rebeca heard only her footsteps. Cory had also disappeared in the chaos.

Rebeca ran out of the Library, and continued to run to the railroad, as her gut instinct said to do so, and there, she would find her answers. Close to midnight now, she found a single soul, sitting on the tracks. The person did not move. Rebeca scared, tired, and frightened for her life asked the person what is going on in this God forbidden town. The person covered from head to toe, did not speak, nor did they show their face. Rebeca ran as fast as her kinetic energy would allow, and soon came upon a slow moving train.

The sight of the train was astounding, the most beautiful train Rebeca has ever seen. The train looked familiar, and looked like the train Anna worked on in the clippings. The train shined like a brand new copper penny. True to her profession, Rebeca knew in her heart, she should not board, but the sweet smell of a successful story was too good to pass. Slowly she boarded the train. The beauty of the train was the first thing Rebeca wanted to write about. She fumbled in her pockets to find a pen, and paper she folded. Instead she pulled out the key, and the mirror.

All of a sudden the whistle blew, the train started moving, and Rebeca then saw the dreaded Black Box. She unlocked the box, and now another picture was included. Rebeca picked up the picture, however, she decided to read the back of the picture first. On the back of the picture was scribed. To Rebeca, thank you for coming, as you will see soon sweetheart, you brought me back to life, we are so beautiful, and always will be, till death do us part. This almost seemed to amuse Rebeca. Then she turned the photo over, and at that instant the mirror shattered. Rebeca was Anna, and Anna was Rebeca. Before Rebeca could utter a sound, she was introduced to a vision of the furnace. There stood Black Annie laughing as she shoveled the remains of Cory and Noel into the furnace. Annie spoke to Rebeca saying that it was alright, no need to be scared. Rebeca had an idea to run, however, she was shackled, and knew she was next. Anna told Rebeca that they laughed at them, and she warned the town that she would get revenge, and that now she could be beautiful again, and live as she did before. As soon as Black Annie burned Rebeca's flesh, in her beautiful furnace, of her beautiful train. Rebeca was the last to disappear.

The person on the track, was the only faithful lover of Black Annie, and hauntingly named Rebecah. A prominent news reporter in the 1800's, who fell madly in love with Black Annie. Little did Black Annie know that it was her faithful lover Rebecah, who wrote those horrid stories in the newspaper, masked under another name. Rebecah loved Black Annie with every fiber of her being, yet Black Annie was not faithful to her. Rebecah knew of Black Annie's revenge to burn all the lovers that laughed at her, and turned their cheek. Rebecah in a jealous rage began writing this story in 1820. With all of Black Annie's lovers now cremated, and Rebeca's soul burned, they can live forever, and be beautiful again. Rebecah finally finished her story and has Anna all to herself, on the Beautiful Train.



p.s. I welcome any and all suggestions!

[nomadicrhymer]

I never expected a horror story, PD!! and a pretty gory one too, at the end... had me shivering!!

IT was very captivating and a great concept...three sacrifices to bring back the evil ghost!! LOL!

I love the twist at the end, with the long lost lover (Rebeca)...seriously twisted!!

Nomad

P.S. I think if you developed the character of Annie a little more, and have her speak in the first person in her dialog with Rebeca, it would have amazing impact as well. What do you think?

[erikestabrook]

riveting, the story was so good, movie quality,
and I usually don't read stories that much,
very nice, good solid thought a nasty conclusion but hey you don't mess with demons,
or ghosts or the lot,

[Altree94]

Great Story! Good Plot!
Needs to be more of it! Some fleshing out with description and maybe some dialogue to expand the characters. Would make a great book!
- Tree.

[lasher]

Hey now PD. This is a great story premise. I like the dark, ghostly theme ya got goin' on here, great imagination. The only suggestions I can think of is to go over your puncts and sentences - paring them down. Everything else is good, you did a hell of a job writing a story around pre-selected words, now you're into the revision stage (which is never done in one sitting), from here you'll see where your story will go. I've found the revision process can be just as entertaining as the writing process - have fun and great job on this, thanx for postin'.................................

[PaintedDiary]

Dear lasher,

What would I do without you? Thank you so much for taking precious time to read and comment. Yes, I have lots, and lots to work on. I was reading about Coal Veins for my Daily Science Reading, and Alan's ten words, and here is the result. Thank you so much again lasher. Love Ya'!

{{{~~**PD**~~}}}

[MsJacquiiC]

Yep - this one's a keeper LOL - WOW KIM - Riveting has already been said - but I'll reiterate in agreement - This was quite a nice story - I agree also that there should be dialogue possibly even dialogue of what the townsfolk called Anna...

At anyrate - Just - You kinda raised the bar with this challenge response. Very nice piece of writing - I'm impressed actually... It seems everytime I attempt a shortstory or the like - I loose concentration LOL - Why I like the shorter pieces

Very nice. Thanx for the sharing.
PS - If I come up with some suggestions I'll post them in your Inspiring Novelists thread.

Jacquii.

btw - one thing I noticed - you spelled "suet" in the 5th paragraph, close to last sentence.
Suet is a raw beef or mutton fat - I think you mean soot

[Jeez]

Ms Kim...,

Are you taken up scareing
us all??

Yes this is the start of a
good book...

and if it gets any more
scarry...

'll have to hold the light
while somebody else
reads it.

Great read!!!! Yes.

[Amzy]

Just remember, hon...you asked for it. Put your thick skin on.

Paragraph one.

Odd use of a comma in that opening sentence. It reads like Rebeca was reading in the 1800's, but the logic of the story says that this should be a time reference for the town, so remove the comma.

Your second sentence is a fragment, I can't tell it the girl or the town is plagued. If you change the period after 1800's to a comma, then the town carries the plaue.

The young trio were interested... As odd as this sounds, a trio is singular, so it should read 'young trio was interested'. Trio refers to the group, not the individuals.

Paragraph 2

The town felt watched, or the trio felt watched, or Rebecah felt watched? Right now it reads like the town felt watched, but the rest of the paragraph indicates that this is not what you meant.

Townspeople is one word, or town's people if you want to use two words.

You have an overabundance of the word 'they', especially considering that you have two groups. Some of your pronouns could be referring to either your triad or your townspeople.

There should be no comma after 'these people'.

Paragraph 3

Railroads go through towns, where railroad stations generally don't go anywhere.

No comma after faced.

The town elders probably did more shuddering than shuttering while talking to Rebeca.

Paragraph 4

This paragraph comes across as a little disjointed. Try describing the librarian before the reporters talk to her, then have her go flushed after she sees Rebeca.

No comma after stench.

Quill like should be hyphenated. Quill-like.

Paragraph 5

Mens lavoratory should be men's lavoratory, with the apostrophe, not upper cased.

If the comfort level ROSE to evil, what did is rise from? Perhaps the comfort level dropped?

Anna Bordeaux was the most beautiful woman in town, and that she had many men. hmm...perhaps Anna Bordeaux was the most beautiful woman in town. Clippings revealed that she'd had many men.

Paragraph 6

The librarian was grousing like they had never seen? Odd, that. I would expect heard instead of seen. The verb grouse is to complain, isn't it?

Paragraph 7

Again, don't uppercase the men's lavoratory.

Nowhere is one word.

Drop a period after found, and make the burning stench observation its own sentence.

Librarian and Library should not be uppercased.

Paragraph 8

How big is this library, I thought Rebeca had already run out in the last paragraph?

Rebeca scared, tired, and frightened for her life asked... should be Rebeca, scared, tired, and frightened for her life, asked...

God forbidden is usually hyphenated, but I'm not sure if this is a language rule or an author's preference.

The person covered from head to toe...in what? Soot or blanket?

Paragraph 9

While 'shined' is a proper past tense for the verb shine, it is usually used to refer to the act of polishing something, like 'you shined your shoes'. Shone is the proper past tense for something that glittered.

Rebeca knew in her heart THAT she should not board. No comma.

'To find a pen, and paper she folded.' should be 'To find a pen and some folded paper.' No commas.

'Instead she pulled out the key, and the mirror.' should be 'Instead, she pulled out the key and the mirror.'

Paragraph 10

If you must make your sentences long and broken, try a semi-colon here. '...picked up the picture; however...'

The enscription should be enclosed in quotations. "..."

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Rebeca had an idea to run, however, she was shackled, and knew she was next. Anna told Rebeca that they laughed at them, and she warned the town that she would get revenge, and that now she could be beautiful again, and live as she did before. As soon as Black Annie burned Rebeca's flesh, in her beautiful furnace, of her beautiful train. Rebeca was the last to disappear.

There are far too many commas and "ands" and disjointed thoughts in this section for me to read coherently. Use a quote from Annie to make it more readable. Annie could use a speech or a soliloquy here.

Last paragraph

It's unusual to see an epilogue in a short story, but it's a nice touch here. I like how you differentiate between Rebeca and Rebecah.

Overall impression

You have a great plot and story line. You need to massage the wording some to get more suspense and 'Edge of your seat' effect. Some of the sentences are run-on and broken with commas. That sort of detracts from the suspense. Cory and Noel don't need surnames, as their characters didn't develop.

[mangodroplet]

VERY nice plot line....
I'm anal and I go crazy about technical things...

it was very nice, but try to keep everything in one tense or else fit it in in chunks, not like a random word or two. Maybe it was just typos...

you might want to make it first past and then slowly evolve to present, but it would be really cool if you could make it in first person....


thanks for the story!