Inspiring Novelists:

[DaveKuzminski]

I read the ad. It sounded interesting. It seemed like a natural winner, especially for history buffs, history professors, and psychopaths. I mean, what better way was there to spend a vacation than going back in time to fight in the war or battle of your choice? For historians, both professional and amateur, it was the opportunity of a lifetime to finally address some of the questions about various battles and wars. I mean, who wouldn't want to know why some things happened and others didn't? I was certainly curious about such matters, though I had no urge to travel back in time to find out for myself. I could always read the book on my terminal at home when some of the vacationers returned and published their experiences. Still, I wondered why the travel company wasn't offering something besides battles or wars. That was why I entered the small shop to ask the clerk behind the counter.

The young, blond, female clerk looked up at me and said, "You look like you're interested in the American Civil War."

"Sorry, ma'am, but no. I wanted to find out if your company offers anything besides battles and wars," I replied.

"Oh, certainly! We also have a fine selection of riots, gang fights, and shootouts," she answered sweetly.

"I meant, don't you offer anything non-violent?"

The male clerk looked at me and said, "You want something non-violent? What kind of a vacation is that? What's to tell when you get back home? You'd actually tell your neighbor that you went back in time to actually watch someone sew a flag or cross-breed peas? Someone as big and macho looking as yourself? Oh! I know what you'd be more interested in. How about a Viking raid? You'll not only get to go around killing people, but you'll get to pillage villages and rape the women! Of course, you have to kill them afterwards. Can't be mixing up the gene pool back then with material from the present."

I was startled. Here was this red-haired and very feminine beauty, wearing the skimpiest of clothing, telling me that I could have fun raping women in the past. "You think it's all right for your customers to go back into the past to rape and kill?" I asked.

"What's not all right about it? Those people are already dead. They can't possibly get any deader by now. Besides, it's all history. Whether you do it or not, someone is going to kill those people," she answered.

"Yeah? What happens if I should accidentally kill one of my ancestors?" I asked.

"Well, you'll never feel a thing if you do," the bald-headed man in the rumpled coat replied. "You want a vacation or not?"

I looked up at the counter and said, "I think I'll have to ask my mommy if I can go."

The ravishing, black-haired woman in the business suit said, "Yes, you should ask your mother about something like this. After all, we don't often send little girls back in time without a chaperon."

"Thank you, ma'am," I replied to the nearly nude, brunette, female clerk as I picked up my briefcase. I wondered if they provided weapons or if I would have to buy my own?

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