Inspiring Novelists:

[KayaOtah]

Under Editing, open to critics and suggestions...


Chapter 1 – I had been searching for a portal in the very center of the Earth Core. I had been digging for about two or three months. Albeit in my Cybot outfit, I operated the Cybot hands manually and my hands were aching painfully from the intense heat around. Here in Core, either the furnace-liked heat or some kind of magnetic or whatever force field had disabled my other assisting robots. There were no more robots to supply food and drink, neither were there robots to help me with the digging. With no other human volunteers or business partners in this ludicrous project, I had to work on my own. I was hungry and thirsty, yet I had to be frugal with my food and drink. My rucksack was half empty. To my first relief, my Cybot radar showed there it was: I was in The Earth's Core already! It was hot, as though it was the devil's furnace. Now, my Cy-radar detected something “alive” some 2 miles away. Whatever that might be, it was the first “life” form I encountered in this hell-liked Core! Bracing myself for the heat, I steered my Cybot and dashed through the flames as though a cheetah was chasing after its prey towards that “life”. My Eco clothes were ripped, but I survived. It was a miracle, perhaps my destiny led me here: Stone’s throw away, there was something moving... Not exactly moving, it stayed right in place, only that it gleamed... it was erect and like flowing water surface that I was looking at... In a flash, I got a strong feeling that it was the so-called PORTAL that I had been searching for! Yes, the portal was there right before me! Without hesitation I leapt into it (I reckoned it was the portal of Myths & Legends as stated in the old diary I got from my ancestor) and here my journey got into another new start......
Chapter 2 - "At last I make it!" I said with joy in my heart, as I was too weak to dance in joy. The portal legend was true. Then, the Lost City legend might be true, as well! The portal brought me here into a new world. Yet,... where WAS the Lost City? At the moment, I saw not a being to ask, nor did I know which direction to head on. As this new world might probably be hostile, I dragged myself and scouted around the area, spying here and there.
Then, a flash of light emerged and then a huge gate appeared in front of me. "What was... what was that?" I asked no one in particular, mostly to the gigantic gate with the sign ‘Kingdom Of Heaven’. Then... "If you proclaim yourself before the Kingdom of Heaven, head into the Mythical Palace, and seek travel to the Island of Origins. You will find your answers there..." The voice faded away, leaving me drowned in stunned silence for quite a while. Unsheathing my little dagger, I dashed into the darkness, across the rivers, into the tunnels and out, hoping to find some key at least to open the gate, at last found myself standing back in front of the Kingdom of Heaven. I proclaimed myself, “I, Laxus Oak, seek entrance to the Kingdom. I have been studying every single myth and legend in the Overworld, prepared myself to face new mysteries and fantasies, thus leading me to this MagicalWorld."
"Why are you here, General?" an echo from nowhere.
To see if theories about the Zamorak Staff are true," I answered with respect.
"......" silent, there was no answer,
So I continued, "I understand that this is the Holy Land of Zamorak (the king previously ruled the world, killed by his brother). But the Zamorak Staff has options. To cleanse evil, or... to destroy the world if it falls to the wrong hand," I kept on. "The monks have been... protective of the Staff lately." I understood the prophecy now. Death to Saradonim (Zamorak’s evil brother), revive for Zamorak. Giving into doubts, none has returned for the pass 5000 YEARS, to claim victory. Never giving up, only one can be a Destiny Warrior, which is somehow chosen to be me. "If that's the case, then I will get that Staff," I dared myself say. "Understood. You may... enter, but after a training."


this is my serial stori, plz suggest, coment and correct my mistakes if you feel the story is not good enough, i won't mind suggestion, its a part of the learnin journey...

[mangodroplet]

hmm...nice idea, but A bit confusing, and also, you switched from past to present tense a lot when it was unwarranted.

you could develop the first chapter a bit more, it's a nice hooker, but also, a bit confusing. Or else explain it better in the latter chapters, such as who is this person, why he/she wants to do it...

and then chapter two....you could be more descriptive. Nice concept, but you need to explain more, more images. Also, explain what happened in the training, explain who are the people.

I might not have understood everything...but that's mostly because of the awkward reading..try fixing the grammatical and physical mistakes....otherwise, nice imagination :]

sorry if i seemed harsh! I just took you to your word

*huggles*

[KayaOtah]

Oic, nono, you're not harsh, it's part of the learning process, thanks for the coment, I'll edit it *smile*

[mangodroplet]

haha thanks for understanding!
I'm glad you took it well...hey, once you edit it, i can proofread it in depth if you want me to :]
just PM me :]

[KayaOtah]

*smile* ok, maybe in the weekend, school days very busy... *frown*

[PaintedDiary]

Kyanta, also if very serious about the crtique, later on this write, please ellicet the expertise of our very talented, phenomenal, and experienced writers...... such as AMZY, Sartor, Alan, and Ms. Jacquii

Take Care. Will be back to read more.

{{{~~**Dr. Rob**~~}}}

[KayaOtah]

oh, sure *smile*

[mangodroplet]

Chapter 1 - Well , I landed on this island through a portal (No need for "...") in the very center of the Earth's Core. I'd been digging for about 2 or 3 months, and my hands were aching painfully. There were no more robots to supply food and drink, neither were there robots to help with the digging . With no volunteers in this ludicrous project, I had to work on my own. I was hungry and thirsty, yet I had nothing to eat. My rucksack was empty, as I had eaten up the food a week ago. But, there it was. The Earth's Core. It was hot, as though it was the devil's furnace. Bracing myself for the heat, I dashed through the flames as through my soul depended on the race.. My clothes were ripped, but I survived . It was a miracle, perhaps my destiny that led me here. I leapt into the portal of Myths & Legends and here the journey starts......

Chapter 2 - "I did it!" I said with joy in my heart, as I did not have energy left to dance in joy. The legend was true. The legend of the Lost City was true! But then again , where WAS the Lost City? I had no one to ask, no where to go. Deciding that this was probably a danger zone, I scouted the area for a bit, spying here and there. A flash of light. "What was... what was that?" I asked no one in particular, mostly to the darkness. Then , "If you proclaim yourself before the Kingdom of Heaven, head into the Mythical Palace, and seek travel to the Island of Origins. You will find your answers there..." The voice faded away, leaving me drowned in stunned silence for quite a while. Unsheathing my little dagger, I dashed into the darkness, across the rivers, into the tunnels and out, at last found myself standing in front of the Kingdom of Heaven.

I proclaimed myself, “I, Paradox, seek entrance to the Kingdom. I have been studying every single myth and legend in the Overworld, thus leading me to this MagicalWorld."

"Why are you here, General?" An echoing voice from nowhere.

"To see if theories about the Zamorak Staff are true," I answered with respect.

Silence.

"I understand that this is the Holy Land of Zamorak. But the Zamorak Staff has options. To cleanse evil, or... to destroy the world," I kept on.

"The monks have been... protective of the Staff lately."

I understood the prophecy now. Death to Saradonim, revive for Zamorak. ( I don't get this sentence) Giving into doubts, none has returned for the pass 5000 YEARS, to claim victory. Never giving up, only one can be a Destiny Warrior.'
"If that's the case, then I will get that Staff," I dared myself say. "Understood. You may... enter, after a training."

---THE FOLLOWING WEEK---The training was over, I was allowed to hunt for the missing Orbs . Also, I was allowed to protect the King & Queen by means of the Magic Attacks and Skills learned from SageMagic777. He gave me Sword of Spirits, Wand of Hope, Staff of Power, Magic Dust of Wish together with ten kinds of potions, ten small bottles each. He guided me through The Secret Door & then was up to me where to go. Well, the advice he gave was to follow the Snake Road of 10.000.000.000 miles. It was just impossible for me to cover the whole distance if I had not got this level of incredible power. The doors to the Kingdom of Heaven opened up, momentarily blinding me with the brightest light I had ever seen in my life.



This is a rough edit, just some suggestions....you still need to make everything flow some more, i'll work on it more later. Anyway, where it is a new line in the dialog is supposed to be an indent, BUT i can't figure it out too will with this html -.-

[KayaOtah]

I had edited alot, added in more description and posted chapters 3-5 in thread 'Legacy of Paradox chapter 2 re-edited)