Inspiring Novelists:

[LynnEllen]

481 Words
This piece is being prepared for submission::All critiques and observations are welcome, and I thank you in advance

Mary slept while the evening summer sun coasted downhill, draining the heat from the day to a far away place below the horizon. The porch swing on which she lay swayed like a boat in the harbor, buffeted and buffered on the breeze. John admired her peaceful sigh, the curve of her hip, and the nomadic fringe of hair that hung over her face, beckoning with each arc of the swing. He let his head fall back against the headrest and gripped the armrests while his heels pressed down on the front legs of his rocking chair. The comfortable creak of the wood was as familiar as his own voice. He closed his eyes and drank deeply of the cooling twilight. Memories crashed and rolled in his head, rising and falling in the tides of time. He tried to hold them, but they slipped through his fingers and slithered out of his reach. In the midst of a full life he felt alone. He opened his eyes and looked at the swing. He knew Mary still slept but he ached to hold her.

He remembered the first time they slept together. He was nervous and giddy and fumbled with the zipper on the back of her dress as well as his own cummerbund. Their courtship had been short. She was beautiful and talented and he was afraid she would realize she was dating just some ordinary guy and go find a real prince charming. He wanted to marry her before she changed her mind, and he never forgot that he held a precious jewel in his care. He had cherished her every day for forty-four years.

Weary from another day of going through the motions, he rose and stood before the swing. He closed his eyes and meditated on Mary's face. Mary slept on. For six years he sat on the porch every night and waited for sleep to overtake him as well. As he looked at the bare cushions, the ache in his heart assured him that sleep indeed inched closer. The fading sun glistened on John's face, reflected a hundred times in the mosaic of his perspiration.

"I love you, Mary," he said. With a singular effort and a blossoming hope, John let himself down to the swing. He lay there clutching his arms close to his chest as if holding her. With one heaving breath he smiled and closed his eyes. Sleep settled upon him at last.

Mary kissed John's eyelids and took his hands in hers. He opened his misting eyes and stood before Mary's smiling face. With grateful lips he kissed her forehead and placed her hand in the crook of his elbow.

"I love you too, John," Mary said.

In the shade of a willow tree, a swing overlooks the place where John and Mary sleep side by side, their love chiseled in stone forever.

[DaveKuzminski]

Only one phrase bothered me. It was "John admired her peaceful sigh" and that just didn't make sense to me because the phrase felt awkward. It just didn't fit with the other two descriptions in that sentence because those were more tangible.

As a descriptive piece, it's not too overly done. It's touching in a way that the description seems to adorn with peace and serenity which I'm guessing is what you're attempting to convey since my interpretation was that he was finally joining his wife in eternal slumber. It's an interesting piece that requires careful reading to catch all the nuances. Overall, it's well written.

[LynnEllen]

I see what you're saying. Thanks for clearing that up. I, too, had a funny feeling when I read that section, but couldn't put my finger on it. Here's a couple of alternatives:

"John envied her peaceful sigh, and admired the curve of her hip and the nomadic fringe of hair that hung over her face, beckoning with each arc of the swing." --this gives a bit of foreshadowing with the word 'envied'.

"John admired the curve of her hip, and the nomadic fringe of hair that hung over her face, beckoning with each arc of the swing." --left out the awkward phrase altogether.

I'm a firm believer in the power of three, however, and would be tempted to replace the phrase with another feature that he does admire, such as her unfurrowed brow.... or should I say "smooth brow"...ugh!

Oh well, guidelines say it has to be <500 words, so...frugal wording helps.
(frugal doesn't mean cheap, it means that nothing is wasted)

I hate decisions, lol....