Inspiring Novelists:

[butchiesmom]

I have no idea where this rough draft is going. It's been in my head for months and I finally wrote it down. I would appreciate input on this one because it really seems to be something which could be a great book...maybe....I don't know...maybe not, lol. I didn't know what else to put for a title, if anyone has a suggestion?

Disclaimer: departure from what I tend to write, lol.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````

A cold, damp day. It had rained nearly the entire trip home. Samina was exhausted. A quick weekend trip to another state was taking its toll on her energy. She idly watched the late autumn landscape along the interstate wishing her husband would stop for a few minutes. She wanted to take pictures of the scenery but he was on a deadline and wouldn’t stop.

She saw how subtle beauty in the black skeletal outlines of the trees contrasted with the green of the firs dotted here and there. Even the pale grey of the sky couldn’t deter from the beauty she perceived. The foothills of her home didn’t compare to the mountains they were speeding through.

Though she’d grown up with seasonal changes and had even been through this area at this time of year before, but this time she felt a quiver of fear deep inside. A primordial instinct of something wrong in her world she couldn’t shake.

It wasn’t a matter of déjà vu, nor foresight. It was a certainty...a knowledge. Something deep inside warned her of danger out there. A danger she was rushing toward…she looked at the speedometer to her left…at 80 mph.

She wanted to ask him to pull over and stop the car but couldn’t think of a reason he would accept. He had his schedule and only rest stops would be acceptable reasons to hinder time. She knew he wouldn’t accept a feeling as an excuse and he knew she would only use a convenient bush or tree as a last resort.

What was this feeling anyway? What was different from the other times they’d been through this way? There! By that tree! It was only a flash of black beside the black tree trunk, something she would’ve missed had she not been looking. She had only that split-second glimpse then they were past it but it was enough for her to turn in her seat belt trying to spy it as they sped toward their destination.

It sat there, its hind haunches not quite touching the cold, damp earth beneath it, as if contact with the ground would, somehow, render it harmless. Twenty years it had waited for just this moment. The hair on its back rose slightly as it scented the approach of its prey.

There was no need to give chase this time; it knew where its prey would be and when it would arrive. It watched as the vehicles, yes, that’s what the humans called them, sped by on the highway beyond. A cold, dank day, the vehicles were closed but there was enough of an exchange of air it could scent its quarry near. Neither cat nor dog, a beast like no other seen outside of mythology, its tenuous existence depended on tracking and capturing its quarry quickly. There had been enough of a delay, not much time remained before it would no longer exist in this timeline.

One more cycle of light and dark, was what remained for it to capture the human and bring her back to its dimension. It had arrived at the time of her birth and waited patiently for her to grow to maturity. It had watched, from afar, as she matured from a toddler playing on the swing set to outdoor parties with other humans and raucous sounds, they called music, hurting its ears and making it whine.

She had moved from the dwelling she’d lived in so long to one nearby. The creature had followed her from one place to another, watching and waiting for its chance, now the time was nigh. It watched the prey rush by, felt the rush of energy surge between them and rose from its haunches.

The energy of this timeline had nearly been sapped by centuries of disbelief, but there was enough to shift from the ground creature it was to that of an airborne being. Then there was one last burst of energy left to shift once more and transport them both back to its time.

The existence of its world depended on what become transpired now. The creature flapped its wings, gaining enough lift to catch the strong prevailing winds taking it in the direction of its prey.

[DaveKuzminski]

One small mistake in your grammar with "toward at."

Normally, I'd look for a hook in the first line. This doesn't have one. Then I'd look for a hook in the second line or first paragraph. There is a sense of urgency, but it's not connected to what's about to happen. The sense of foreboding seems attached to both the time and what's about to happen. That worked out well for you.

The change in perspective works out fairly well, but I think you describe too much. Of course, I'm not too certain of the direction you're taking with this. If it's horror, then there's definitely too much description this early. If it's fantasy or science fiction, then what you're giving is adequate. One thing that isn't clear at this point is the reason why she's wanted. Likewise, I'm not certain she's the right character. If she's taken to another time, then I don't see how anyone she knows now can possibly go to her rescue. If one of them is taken along with her, there's still a problem of getting back so I don't see the husband being her rescue. That brings up a problem. She's too quiet and domestic at this point to put up much of a fight. Likewise, I can't see anyone in another time wanting to take her side without a real good reason so that means she must have some hidden power or ability. Of course, the husband could be a plant meant to protect her when the proper time comes, but his rushing about on a deadline seems to deny that.

So basically I'm stating that I just don't see where this is going just quite yet and I think the reader will want to know that before this chapter is done. This will make up for the opening not having a hook and not starting with some action.

Overall, description is good. It's not overdrawn and it doesn't overwhelm the story. The characters are beginning to have some depth, but there's not enough yet for me to really care about either of them.

[butchiesmom]

I thank you for your input. This is a very,very rough draft, lol. I have no idea where this is going but think it is tied in with my book, Eilia, which is also posted on here. This is a scifi/fantasy story. The husband is just driving the car for her, he will have nothing to do with the rest of the story, I think, but I've found you can not depend on the rest of the story doing what you want because the characters take over and do what they want to do, lol.

If you read Eilia you might get a clue as to where this is going. If you do, please let me know because the characters have taken over and are holding me hostage! They won't give me a clue as to what they're going to do next, lol. (just kidding, I think)

Thanks for your input! I have been working with my copy of the rough draft and have found a few places I will be correcting but until I have some idea what's going on, this is as good as it gets for now, lol.

hugs,
Gail

I transferred your version to my Word and compared your editing to what's on the screen and thought "Wow! That's how it would look?" I do tend to get wordy at first. So much to say... Like I said, any help is always appreciated. I think I've already edited this some on the computer but haven't transferred it here yet. You can bet I will and that I will be using your changes, I think it's helping to clarify some things for me. Thanks! Gail

[MsJacquiiC]

I think it's a great start GAIL --- to what though? --- I get the feeling of alien vs. predator or vice verse... One thing I will say though... You really do know how to draw the reader in - If I'd read that 1st beginning - I think the novel would be intriguing really, even though the character hasn't been developed really...

The Following Text Is Quoted:

She had only that split-second glimpse then they were past it but it was enough for her to turn in her seat belt trying to spy it as they sped toward their destination.

This sentence is nicely done - right before the "pivot" --- And really does give a little bit of depth towards the title ((if that makes any sense at all)) --- I think throughout the novel - if that sentence is repeated (in different ways of course) would make the title brilliant actually.

At anyrate - very good start - I look forward to reading more of this really - and getting to know what the premise of this story is... Seems like an intriguing one indeed.

Jacquii.

[butchiesmom]

Thanks, Jacquii, for the help with that sentence! It makes more sense that way. As to where this is going, I haven't the slightest idea! It was conceived on the way home from Indiana to PA on the turnpike. I spied the same tree, sans the flash of black and thought of this. It's been in my head for a few months now and I finally decided to write it down.

I have a few thoughts about it but nothing concrete yet.. If anything comes up I'll be letting everyone know.

Thanks again, Jacquii, for the help.
hugs,
Gail

[MsJacquiiC]

Hey GAIL - that's your sentence - I just quoted it - I like it as is - just wanted to accentuate that part, as I thought it really epitomizes what the story is about...

JAcquii.

[PaintedDiary]

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Originally Posted by butchiesmom

A cold, damp day. It had rained nearly the entire trip home. Samina was exhausted. A quick weekend trip to another state was taking its toll on her energy. She idly watched the late autumn landscape along the interstate wishing her husband would stop for a few minutes. She wanted to take pictures of the scenery but he was on a deadline and wouldn’t stop.

She saw the subtle beauty in the black skeletal outlines of the trees contrasted with the green of the furs dotted here and there. Even the pale grey of the sky couldn’t deter from the beauty she perceived. The foothills of her home didn’t compare to the mountains they were speeding through.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````

It sat there, its hind haunches not quite touching the cold, damp earth beneath it, as if contact with the ground would, somehow, render it harmless. Twenty years it had waited for just this moment. The hair on its back rose slightly as it scented the approach of its prey.


The existence of its world depended on what happened now. The creature flapped its wings, gaining enough lift to catch the strong prevailing winds in the direction of its prey.

Wow Gail...yes this is the beginning of something great here. I totally agree that you have that magic to gain your audience's attention fast and keep it upheld. Sure you have things to work on, and you clearly stated that this is a rough. Once the characters are fleshed out and depth is brought to them, then more of the story develops and as the way you write, it will unfold beautifully before our eyes. I am watching this Gail...loved what you have thus far!

Kim

[crazymamma5]

ok you already know how i feel about this story. but i will tell you this i read it again and got cold chills down my spine......

[Mysty]

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Originally Posted by butchiesmom

I have no idea where this rough draft is going. It's been in my head for months and I finally wrote it down. I would appreciate input on this one because it really seems to be something which could be a great book...maybe....I don't know...maybe not, lol. I didn't know what else to put for a title, if anyone has a suggestion?


`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````

A cold, damp day. It had rained nearly the entire trip home. Samina was exhausted. A quick weekend trip to another state was taking its toll on her energy. She idly watched the late autumn landscape along the interstate wishing her husband would stop for a few minutes. She wanted to take pictures of the scenery but he was on a deadline and wouldn’t stop.

She saw how subtle beauty in the black skeletal outlines of the trees contrasted with green of the furs dotted here and there. Even pale grey of the sky couldn’t deter from the beauty she perceived. The foothills of her home didn’t compare to the mountains they were speeding through.

Though she’d grown up with seasonal changes and had even been through this area at this time of year before, but this was the first time she felt a quiver of fear deep inside. A primordial feeling of something wrong in her world she couldn’t shake .

It wasn’t a matter of déjà vu, nor foresight. It was a certainty...a knowledge. Something deep inside warned her of danger out there. A danger she was rushing toward, she looked at the speedometer to her left, at 80 mph.

She wanted to ask him to pull over and stop the car but couldn’t think of a reason he would accept. He had his schedule and only rest stops would be acceptable reasons to hinder time. She knew he wouldn’t accept a feeling as an excuse and he knew she would only use a convenient bush or tree as a last resort.

What was it anyway, this feeling? What was different from the other times they’d been through this way? There! By that tree! It was only a flash of black beside the ebony tree trunk, something she would’ve missed had she not been looking. She had only that split-second glimpse then they were past it but it was enough for her to turn in her seat belt trying to spy it as they sped toward their destination.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````

It sat there, its hind haunches not quite touching the cold, damp earth beneath it, as if contact with the ground would, somehow, render it harmless. Twenty years it had waited for just this moment. The hair on its back rose slightly as it scented the approach of its prey.

There was no need to give chase this time; it knew where its prey would be and when it would arrive. It watched as the vehicles, yes, that’s what the humans called them, sped by on the highway beyond. It was a cold, dank day and the vehicles were closed but there was enough of an exchange of air it could scent its quarry near. Neither cat nor dog, a beast like no other seen outside of mythology, its tenuous existence depended on tracking and capturing its quarry quickly. There had been enough of a delay, not much time remained before it would no longer exist in this timeline.

One more cycle of light and dark, was what remained for it to capture the human and bring her back to its dimension. It had arrived at the time of her birth and patiently waited for her to grow to maturity. It had watched, from afar, as she matured from a toddler playing on the swing set to full grown adult outdoor parties with other humans and the raucous sounds, they called music. This noise always hurting its ears and making it whine.

She had moved from the place she’d lived in so long to a place nearby. The creature followed her from place to place, watching and waiting for its chance, now the time was nigh. It watched the prey rush by, felt the rush of energy surge between them and rose from its haunches.

The energy of this dimension had nearly been sapped by centuries of disbelief, but there was enoughleft to shift from the ground creature it was to that of an airborne being. Then there was one last burst of energy left to shift one more time and transform them both back to its time.

The existence of its world depended on what transpired now. The creature flapped its wings, gaining enough lift to catch the strong prevailing winds, taking it in the direction of its prey.

I couldn't resist editing this Gail...... I read ALOT of fiction and so when I read yours ...... Damn girl it has the makings of a good horror or suspense novel. I just edited out some of the excess THE's and changed a few words as there were so many of them making it look repetitious. This is where a thesaurus really comes in handy. My changes are in Bold for what I added hon. I hope you do not mind I did this...... I read it as I would any novel and my mind automatically makes those changes .. This is how it would look published I think. I hope you don't mind... you can use or lose the changes hon. Was only done with the best intentions of helping you.

Love

Mysty

[butchiesmom]

Please don't apologize about any changes you've made. My daughter also looked at it and apologized for her suggestions. Like I told her you don't dig up a diamond and place it in a ring. It has to be ground, cut and polished before being placed in a setting just as beautiful. I just dug up this story and have placed it in my story tumbler (love polishing rocks so just couldn't resist) and am waiting for the magic to work.

I've learned that even mean-spirited comments have some measure of truth in it. Even though this is my baby, it's also my job to show the reader what I see and if I can do it well that reader will. A rough draft like this has a long way to go and since I have no idea or maybe even a slight inkling of where I might want this to go, any help is appreciated.

I will be looking at what you've changed and deciding what to do about it. Thank you for taking the time to read and review this. I know what it's like and how long a proper review takes. I ALWAYS appreciate those which take the time to let me know what's great and what's not about what I've written.

Thank you, Mysty!
Gail
--------------------------
--------------------------
Jacquii, sorry about misunderstanding what you were saying. I'm having trouble with my thinking at times and I'm afraid that was one of them. Once my mind cleared I was able to understand what you were saying and glad I've decided to stop dying my hair blonde, lol.
Gail