Miscellaneous:

[magglyn]

May I introduce myself to you?
I’m the most amazing man on earth
I knew I was destined for greatness
From the moment of my birth

My early years were crowded
Adoring females, happy I did make
As they looked upon my perfect visage
Their cooing kept me awake

When I grew into my teens
No acne would dare blemish my face
For I was the gifted golden child
In all of time and space

The urge to fly was within me
I studied birds of the ornithological kind
Big wings! That was the thing
To not see it I must have blind

I endeared myself to the angelic host
They knew just how to soar
I chatted up an angel
Damn, that night I did score

So armed with feathers and magic
Some wings I made for me
As I leapt from off the Cliffside
From gravity I broke free

I swooped and dove and dove and swooped
Gravity no longer impeded
Where poor old Icarus he did fail
The most amazing man succeeded

Part Two

I’ve told you that I am the one
The most amazing man on earth
Portly, rotund I am called
Well I have 40” girth

I am the greatest lover
I’m the zenith, the acme, the best
I will take your name and number
With me you’ll find no rest

I stole the fire from the gods
Prometheus said it was he
But Prometheus is a liar
It was I who stole, and did flee

It was I who broke the atom
Like Lincoln chopped the cherry tree
But I could go on and destroy the world
Doesn’t he wish that he were me?

I gave England the industrial revolution
A genius I was named
All the plaudits that were due to me
I was gentile, the plaudits I disclaimed

I was the greatest swordsman
In France I was a beau
Attired in the finest livery
The revolution I started you know

In Russia in nineteen sixteen
I was there at the palace gates
I put pay to the Romanov dynasty
For the soviets I presented their case

I’d talked to a bit of a priestly bloke
A down at heel sort of guy
Rasputin I think his name was
I told him that he would die

He didn’t believe a word I said
Though I said poisoned and shot he would be
He didn’t know I was the most amazing man
So he died without believing me

Part Three

In the trenches I was a hero
From France to Gallipoli
Even though a bloody big bomb went off
And blew me to Italy

I stood my ground through it all
With a sexual dalliance or two
I’d had erotic piercings
That were known to only a few

But I am the most amazing man
Though I like to be understated
I am the most amazing man on earth
Inquiry not yet sated

A mademoiselle or maybe two
Could satisfy my lust
Bon soir again I departed from France
It’s now just shit or bust

Part Four

I’m the man who invented surfing
It’s a wonder I’d not done it before
A tsunami wave swept me away
As I was ironing on the shore

I sat atop that ironing board
Riding the crest of the wave
I was bored and so I stood up
Maybe silly but also brave

I crossed the Atlantic Ocean
Upon that board of mine
I had to fight off sharks and whales
As they tried to chew my spine

Eventually I rode into California
The locals, open mouthed were amazed
They all rushed off to buy boards themselves
That started the surfing craze

Part five

I was approached be a German car maker
Who were in a bit of a slump
They couldn’t sell their camper vans
The sales needed a bit of a bump

I put my prodigious brain to the problem
The solution was instant, like Wham
I invented the hippy way of life
And sold the lot to them

VW were impressed by my acumen
They gave me a beetle, I named Babs
I imported a hundred thousand of them
To Mexico to use as cabs

Part Six

I was taking tea with Logie Baird
One afternoon in spring
He was telling me of his latest invention
It didn’t work that was the thing

Well, me being an electronics genius
I put him on the right track
The images flickered to life on the screen
I’d plugged an aerial into the back

Do I get a mention?
A footnote in history?
Like heck, Baird took to his heels
And ran off with a mighty big fee

I got revenge upon him
Investments that was his slayer
I told him to put his money into
The eight track and beta video players

Part Seven

I am the most amazing man
The most amazing man on earth
I’ve saved several million marriages
I’ve shown women their true worth

I unshackled them from the kitchen
By inventing trivial machines of labour
The washing machine and dishwasher
They are the real marriage savers

Even a man could load up the dishes
With barely a cry of regret
You’d think that I would be satisfied
But I wasn’t finished yet

I invented the vacuum cleaner
To sweep the floor men couldn’t refuse
What a boon to the female race
Though some men have been known to abuse

With their willy stuck inside the pipe
They knew they’d made a gaff
So rushed by ambulance to casualty
It gave the nurses a laugh

I’m still working on an anti snoring device
One that really works
I’m going to save the male ribcage
From all night time elbow jerks

Part Eight


It was I who invented the bikini
Blame the French and an atoll if you must
But it was I the most amazing man
Who made more prominent the feminine bust

I won’t take credit for the thong
A rope up your bum just seems kind of wrong
But it was I who invented the bikini bottom
That holds the cheeks and bulges does soften

The French they took it in their stride
But the USA did try to hide
An inch of belly was too much for them
Exposing a navel may excite too many men

Then it happened, my greatest coup
Ursula Andress in the film 00 ooooooo
When she stepped from the water dripping and wet
Well that was my best advertisement yet

Four bits of cloth
Tied up with string
The bikini is one of
Life’s beautiful things

Part Nine

I am the most amazing man
That ever walked these lands
Mere mortals genuflect to me
Because your destiny lies in my hands

I have to me the earhole of God
He acts on my every word
it was me who told him to send his own son
to save us, now that seems absurd

Poor Jesus he managed 30 odd years
I didn't mean it so
I meant him to last 200 or more
But you've got to go with the flow

I said to God 'Let's go Fishing'
Forget all your troubles and strife
You shouldn't be messing with Mary
What about your common law wife

It's no use you appearing as a flaming bush
Or to hand out tablets of stone
Your creations down there are renting their clothes
For your sake leave them alone

I'm working with God on the New New Testament
It's a tale that will cause an ado
It tells about his daughter Christine
Who's overlooked in the other two

Now you may call me a liar
But one picture that hadn't been planned
Leonardo de Vinci painted the scene
Christine is at his right hand

Part 10

I am the most amazing man
The most amazing man who’s been
I’ve dined with gods, and their kings
The most amazing sights I’ve seen

I once dwelt in Egypt as Osiris
My wife with Ra had a spat
Well Ra was just a middling god
He couldn’t stand Iris’ cats

The both of them fought tooth and nail
Over Egypt they wanted to reign
What with me being the most amazing man
I treated them both with disdain

I had an affair with Anuket
Who was supposed to raise the Niles water
With all these mummified Kings around
She was just someone else’s daughter

Part Eleven

A bacchanalian I was called
In Grecian history
It was I who started the Olympics
The most amazing man, can’t you see?

The running races were nothing
For them I cared not a jot
For I was more interested in
Catching the Javelin and heading the shot

The lighting of the Olympic flame
Was a joke, I’ll tell it true
Lighting a wick from sunlight
I was joking (just tween me and you)

Well the Grecians went at it with gusto
With flair and élan they did go
Even though at the time in ancient Greece
The French language was quite unknown

They stripped down to their pampers
In their undies they did fight
They fought from early in the morn
Till twilight gave into night

Well I am the most amazing man
The Most amazing man on earth
So I quickly got fed up of this
And to a new country I gave birth

Part Twelve

The Romans were all in one place
A ghastly little town
You couldn’t move for beggars
It really made one frown

Because I was the most amazing man
The most amazing man was me
Et Tu Brute, it wasn’t Brutus
Caesar was blind not to see

He took me as his bestest friend
His plenipotentiary
Putting Brutus to one side
I was his greatest enemy

So the end of the Roman Empire
The Greatest Man did inspire
I fiddled the books as Nero fiddled
And Rome it did catch fire