Miscellaneous:

[zaac]

Sitting at the bus stop with my tokens in my hand
waiting for the Red Line to pass by.
I hear a conversation stepping up to take a seat
A sidewalk preacher found a way to fly.

Blind man sitting on the corner asking for a buck or two
grabs his keys and sets his car alarm.
Laughing millionaire jumps in front of the train
His kindergarten teacher finds a clue.

Take us to the rainbow river, the President just said;
killing in the name of heaven, leaving everybody dead.
God is watching closely now; the winds of change go silent.
Don’t forget to pick your kids up after school.

Single loving mother finds a garter on her leg;
C-note from her man still tucked inside.
The priest will hear confessions from himself on court tv.
The parish ante’s up and hits the bar.

Cant watch the beheading…running late for a wedding
as the planes fly into our living rooms
Kid’s email says click here for fun
and ends up inside a strangers head.

Take us to the rainbow river, the President just said.
We hemmorhage tribal genocide, while were all safe tucked in bed.
Jesus lives tho’ Ole Scratch thinks he still runs the world.
He growls, burns a smile, and scans the news.

Bobby had a boyfriend he met dancing last year.
Funeral’s at 4 lets wish him well.
Prosecutor’s drooling when the bum can’t buy his pills;
poor tortured soul, but the warden has some room.

Daddy says that mommy should have understood;
says he’ll miss her as he’s riding off to jail.
Sue’s in love with Terrence til her daddy sees his skin.
hope she heals in time for the M L King parade.

Take us to the rainbow river, the President just said.
The church prays the secret service finds his mind.
Telephone is ringing, It’s Jesus on the line.
Pray we let him save us all from hell…

Pray we let Him save us from ourselves.

Sitting at the bus stop,
token morals in my hand;
waiting for the Red Line to pass by.

Sitting at the bus stop;
token morals in my hand.
Hope I didn’t miss the Red Line passing by.

[alanmdouglas]

Dear Zaac,

You've had several reads but no responses, so I'm diving in with both feet - firmly in my mouth :

There are many good ideas in this poem, but as I see it, only my opinion, you have used a scattergun approach rather than a sniper's rifle, and the reader cannot grasp all the seemingly random ideas tumbling out of your pen.

If I may advise, I'd say chose a target, and aim at that, thus us poor readers will not be cowed into silence.

Or you could chose 2 or 3 related targets, and find a way in the poem to link them in some common thread.

I mean something like this

Global warming
hotting up
cut the gase,
politicos say

Pay your taxes,
state cares for you
you don't need your own cash
politicos say

etc etc

so each separate subject is seen to have some link, in my poor verse's case what politicos try and convince us of.

Sorry if this seems negative on your poem, but it is done in an attempt to help - you may of course consign all I say to that dustbin down below if it does not please you !

Love
Alan

[zaac]

i've been to some pretty hardcore critique sites, so you're not going to scare me away...no problem.

The whole intent of the work was the scattergun approach. Aim...and take em all out at once. In other words, it was supposed to leave em all in total silence...no prisoners...no mercy.

I've put this on a couple sites and got similar comments. I really didn't care, cuz I like it. It's kind of similar to my personality...all or nothing and never get intimidated lol. Thanks for your comment...i'll look at it. The only problem I ever have with work like this is that once it's done, it's done.

take care,

zaac

[NeyNey]

Hi Zaac.

I kind of liked the scattered approach. I felt the misleading (not intentionally) was kind of refreshing. It kept my mind ticking over, that's for sure. You had some great imagery in this. I must admit, it did become a little long winded. But all in all...I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing


Return the love

[MsJacquiiC]

I don't think it is an "intentional misleading" - Nor did I feel the "scattergun approach" belittles the poem in anyway... With that said. I sure would have liked to see the last line read as such similar:

And we of audacity
Be amazed at our crumbling city;
That we of so much fuss
Be amazed that we missed the bus?

Hey ZAAC - so many vivid images in this poem. It reminds me of the work of one of my favorite poets: Ariono-jovan Labu

His poetry tends to shame society into seeing its hypocrisy... Well some of his works anyway lol - But one thing usually present in his work is a love of language in their best possible combinations.

I think you've done that with this piece. It reads beautifully, not too much unlike the Rated PG-13 movies that our youth just adores. Seems we've made Millionaires out of ordinary peoples by seeing and loving and laughing and being shocked by such vivid images. I dare not discuss the Rated R movies

FABULOUS piece of writing - Thanx for sharing it with us! AND again Welcome to JPiC

Jacquii.