Revisions:

[J. Marie]

A chain anchored
to my leg weighing
my weary body down.
Each link symbolizing
passages in my life
that has occurred
over the past year.

Anger,
Anguish,
Anxiousness,
Confusion,
Depression,
Fear,
Guilt,
Loneliness,
Misery,
Tension,
Uncertainties…
Portions of each link!

New links, heavier
rapidly add on as more
complications pierce this life.

Soon I will sink beneath water
to my final demise!

[Amzy]

Nice idea. Love your opening and closing. You could do more with the order of the links...or did you really experience those feelings in alphabetical order?

[J. Marie]

Hi thanks for the review..........I purposely thought it would have more of an effect being in alphabetical order...Yes, in a sense it did all come on that way...

Thank you appreciate you taking the time to read this poem.

J. Marie

[PaintedDiary]

The Following Text Is Quoted:

Originally Posted by Amzy

Nice idea. Love your opening and closing. You could do more with the order of the links...or did you really experience those feelings in alphabetical order?

I gave a few suggestions prior, and also in a PM. I offered a possible suggestion to format the words to appear like a chain link to add creativity, maybe spice up the meter of the poem, etc., and other suggestions.

I mentioned in the PM, that I believed that ordering of the emotions in alphabetical order, stripped the poem of its strength and validity. It seems as though you literally went down the alphabet, and put in a word. I am not taking anything away from what you felt.

From a critique standpoint, I believe the alphabetical ordering looks like you just sat down to write a poem, instead of a poem guiding you to paint it. I again, am not saying that you did not experience this, just commenting on the writing.

I also would suggest as one of the Moderators of this Forum, and in particular this section, that

1) You take your time with revisions, and

2) that you "DO" take into consideration, the suggestions from fellow poets, before posting a "SECOND, THIRD, AND SO...REVISION", till it is time to actually post in the "FINAL REVISION SECTION", I am not seeing evidence of that in your work, and

3) ONE MUST TAKE TIME TO READ AND COMMENT ON OTHER POETS' WORK AS WELL.

4) I WOULD SAY, PLEASE DO NOT POST ANYMORE POEMS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRULY TAKEN TIME TO READ ALL COMMENTS FROM FELLOW POETS, AND MADE SERIOUS REVISIONS. SERIOUS REVISIONS TAKE TIME, SO PLEASE DO NOT RUSH TO POST IN THIS FORUM OR IN THE FINAL EDIT SECTION. ALL WE WANT IS FOR YOU DO YOUR BEST, LEARN, AND TAKE YOUR TIME. TAKE CARE

REMEMBER, WHEN CRITIQUING, ONE MUST STILL COMMENT, AND BEGIN WITH A POSITIVE, THEN GO INTO OPINION OF CRITIQUE, AND OFFER SUGGESTIONS, AS TO IMPROVEMENT!! This is how we learn, grow, and "GET PUBLISHED!!!

KIM