10-31-2006, 01:21 PM
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#1 (permalink)
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butchiesmom's Mood: 
Last Online:
04-17-2012 03:49 PM |
Footinmouthitis
Did you ever say something and instantly regretted it?
Have you said the right thing at the wrong time or the wrong thing at the right time (Is it possible to do that)?
Do you wish for a hole to open up and swallow you after a conversation?
Have you thought, "Lord take me now," after an unsuccessful attempt at humor?
Do you wince when you think of past conversations?
Well, my friends, if you answered yes to even one of the above questions, you have the dreaded disease footinmouthitis. A clear indication you have this awful condition is a foot sticking out of your mouth. I know it's hard to believe such a condition could exist. It's been around since a few days after the first spoken word. Research has led me to believe the first case of footinmouthitis was contracted by a caveman after his cavewoman asked him if her new fur leggings made her butt look big. He invented the couch that night.
However, a layman would say, "Open mouth, insert foot or you just put your foot in your mouth." Either way, you've said something you shouldn't have. I've thought about this expression and tried to visualize someone with a foot in the middle of his or her face and gotten more than a few giggles out of it.
I would love to see someone do that. I have to admit I've had a one in my face more than a few times, but it wasn't mine. My five sisters and I shared one bedroom with two beds. Sleeping three people to a bed, someone's going to get a foot in the face. Since I liked to sleep at the foot of the bed (Hey, I lay no claim to normalcy) I've bitten more than my share of toes.
Some of my more agile sisters and my brother were actually able to do this. Why would anyone (other than my siblings and myself), want to put their foot in their mouth? We spent one rainy afternoon, laughing our butts off, and falling backwards trying to do it. I'm sure my mother got quite a kick out of it. I don't remember who actually managed to do so, but I have a vague memory of giggling at my sisters, impressed by the ones that succeeded.
What would be the reason for inserting that appendage into your oral cavity? It doesn't sound tasty or sanitary to me. Would you do that when you are about to say something stupid, so your foot would stop the words from coming out? It seems to me that would be inconvenient at times, yet it could also be an embarrassing lifesaver. I know of many people, including myself, who could use a case of this disease.
How do you decide which situation calls for your foot in your face? Decisions, decisions! I can see it now! There's a husband waiting outside the women's fitting room. He's holding his wife's purse not understanding why she had to try on every dress in the store. She walks out of the dressing room in a dress which makes her ample hips look like a barn wall and asks him, "Now Honey, be honest, does this make me look hippy?"
Ladies, you and I both know if he tells the truth, he'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. She knows how that dress makes her look; she just wants him to lie and say it doesn't. Fortunately, he knows he has only two options from which to choose. He can either lie telling her it doesn't emphasize her huge hips or just go sit down somewhere and suck on his foot. (Men, remember being honest about certain things can get you in a load of trouble.) Lie!
How would you actually accomplish this deed? Would your foot leap into your mouth automatically, or would you put it there yourself? In the above example, his foot should've jumped from the floor to his mouth. Never mind the fact he's sitting on the floor in the middle of the women's department, with his foot sticking out of his mouth, what's a moment's embarrassment compared to a few nights hugging his pillow on the couch. What a dilemma! Red face or cuddly pillow? Hmmm.
He has one more decision to make. Should he keep his shoe on (makes a better seal) or should he take it off? Winter could make that shoe less savory and a bit dicey with the salt on the sidewalks and other chemicals used to melt ice. Summer also has its hazards. There's bubble gum on the sidewalk, fertilizer on the lawn and pesticides on the vegetation. Should I also mention walking through the yard and stepping on a few hidden dog logs? Gross! I believe I'd take off the shoe first.
Now, I'm not saying women don't have occasions where they have to make the same kind of decisions but somehow, I can't envision a man coming out of the men's fitting room and asking the same question. My husband can buy a pair of jeans, try them on when he gets home and the blasted things will fit! I wanted him to try a pair on while shopping one day and he asked me why. When I explained it was to see if the jeans would fit, he said he knew they would fit. He was right. It's a conspiracy, I tell ya!
Open mouth, insert foot. Four words separated by a comma. It creates a picture and brings back memories. How do you avoid footinmouthitis? Avoid contact and conversation with any creature who can understand what you're saying! So, unless you're a hermit, be prepared for attacks of footinmouthitis. Wear clean socks without holes in the toes and watch where you're stepping! Of course, there's always duct tape....
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Last edited by butchiesmom; 11-13-2006 at 12:32 PM.
Reason: Wrong title, lol
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