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streetcorner bequest

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Old 02-20-2011, 05:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Later, I would remember this place as I would your breath on the back of my neck. We always got a long so well, perhaps it was our collective predisposition to being unhappy, perhaps it was because all we had ever known was nurtured by vice and daring, therefore wilted gratification. But we were still young then, at the height of our youth, before cancer, before collapse. The orange glow of the street lights buzzed behind us, illuminating our halos. White noise spilled over the viaduct, and we basked in its waves of calm. ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬ And now, years later, I cannot recall exactly as it was, simply serene beyond anyone, who upon trying to recreate these moments of industrial tranquility, could begin to conceive. I held my breath and looked to the sky, feeling her next to me, providing salvation like evening prayers. Exhale, and again. I gratified my ego there amongst the docks, amongst the sea gulls, the drunks. The child within me giggled with delight as my grimy surroundings transformed into a sparkley playground of fleeting bliss. We sat there, motionless, allowing ourselves to be rocked into periodic sleep by our only constant friend, Seattle city streets, desolate on a Monday night past midnight, smoking cigarettes. She turned to me, skin flushed with rosey artificial light, said “Load me one” smoke rising from her fingernails, and looked away. As an after thought, adding “No, load me a double.” I laughed, sincerely stating, “I was going to anyways” And so I did, and she did as I had done, both of us hopelessly lost in the oceans of our heads. We were beautiful, we were the essence of 21st century youth; doomed and elegantly degenerating, lowering ourselves into our graves dug by hypnotic media, manic pre apocalyptic supermodels starving for culture, substance. Passion. We wore it in our hair and stitched it into our clothing. And our guises of combat boots and fairy wings surely deterred the drunks and tweakers, who moved amongst the shadows. Everywhere we went, heads turned and eyes followed our flowing skirts around corners, up escalators. We flowed through crowded rooms of rambunctious sanctity as little wisps of seemingly innocent bliss. Often stirring sophomoric woes of those who failed to see the divinity within us. Her and I, sitting on the old park bench, overlooking concrete and childhood, waving good bye with each empty cartridge we emptied into our souls. Forever, goodbye. And so we sat together, alone, and asked ourselves questions, questions of life and love, where we were going and where we were from. We never did find any answers, just options. And so we sat, and welcomed each artificial breath as we would a second chance at ignorance. Graciously, she rocked herself, steadily to the beat of some internal struggle. We laughed, we talked, we loved, we were all each other had, really. Save some external vice factory, shoving fulfillment down our throats, always there, always right behind us, beckoning us for one more. Eternally dead, forgot to be born, beautifully imperfect, disastrously miraculous. Searching for validation amongst the stars, what very few I could see, I exhaled and gratified my ego there amongst the docks, the drunks, the gulls.

---------- Post added at 05:50 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:59 PM ----------

hola! i am looking for feedback and constructive criticism on some of my stuff... this is a work in progress and will be a part of a larger compilation of short stories. lmk whatcha think!
 

Old 02-20-2011, 07:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: streetcorner bequest
Hola! How are you? First off you have a way with words, the imagery in this short story was very vivid. I would like to know what inspired this because I had a bit of trouble keeping up with what it was about, I will read it again but I will like to know your perspective. Also the dialogue was a bt short but then again it is a short story. Overall I really enjoyed this story I really want so see more from you so I can see where you are taken this too. Keep writing you have a gift with words
 

Old 02-20-2011, 09:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: streetcorner bequest
pleasing to read. immaculate flow. could use a little more "meat" though. maybe a little deeper "truths" found amongst the eloquent description. i would definitely keep reading if this was an opening though. peace.
 

Old 03-08-2011, 02:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: streetcorner bequest
The Following Text Is Quoted:
Originally Posted by glitchfaerie View Post
hola! i am looking for feedback and constructive criticism on some of my stuff...
Hi and welcome to JPiC - feel free to introduce yourself over at the Member Introductions

This is really a tranquil and smoothely poetic write. I must admit though - the format was very distracting. I like to see concise paragraphs when reading a shortstory or larger works. Otherwise the text just muddles together on the screen, makes it hard for me to concentrate. I suppose I like my shortstories in short, measured doses LOL

Anyway - an enjoyable read = thanks for the share.

Jacquii.



“I do use powerful words to evoke emotion, but also to stimulate imagination. If one can 'see' the words dance before
his eyes - then he can likely feel, smell and even taste them as well. And I do thoroughly enjoy really tasty poems.
My poetry is an emotions-fest sprinkled with a little garlic salt, Mrs. Dash, fresh ginger and Tabasco sauce...
My poetry is like a piece of General Tso's chicken tossed in ghetto soul.” ---
MsJacquiiC



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Old 02-14-2012, 02:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: streetcorner bequest
I read this as an opening paragrah to a much longer piece. As an introduction to what was and will be. Who are they? Why are they there? What are the circumstances? Are they older people remembering what they left behind or younger adults surviving in a world ravaged by an apocalyptic war?

Do they plan to end their lives or just resting on their journey to another place in life? I hope you take the time to elaborate. I'm looking forward to it.

Great write!
Gail

May You Fly with Eagles
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Walk with Buffalos
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