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    JPiC Portal » Main Forum Index » Shades Of Fiction » Inspiring Novelists

Inspiring Novelists Aspiring to be a novelist? JPiC is in the business of inspiring and novelists are definitely welcome... So post your longer works in this section. (Only stories over 300 words please.)
Genre: Horror - Fiction

Baby Come Back
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Old 08-03-2007, 09:36 PM
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Icon8 Baby Come Back

Jake seemed to have it all. Top Project Engineer in his company, a Mercedes the color of midnight with Bad Boy record label accessories, fine clothes, always clean-shaven, fresh haircut, a Crest pampered smile, an imported from Milan cologne aroma, take me now body, and a ‘I’m too sexy for even myself’ look in his eyes. Jake was also teased and hated by some of his colleagues as having a harem of every hue of the ethnic rainbow.

There was one woman in the company every man dreamed of and drooled over. Her name was Rose. Well, guess what? Jake had her too. Rose loved Jake and cherished the ground he walked on. There were a few things Jake did not have at the top of his glory; his wife’s love and his wife's trust. Susan, Jake’s estranged wife, left him three months ago after discovering his flamboyant affair with Rose. To know Jake, I mean really know Jake, one would know that deep down he really did love Susan, but he made his bed.

However, a man such as Jake who was stamped elite would not settle being looked at as anything less than cool, and quite frankly, it was part of his personality DNA. After all, Rose adored him and certainly gave him all the attention he believed Susan once did. Adding to his own justification, which was governed by what was inside his pants, was the fact that Rose gave him all the “take me to the moon” sex any man could dream of. Let alone, Rose likened a “back in the day” Elizabeth Taylor. She was simply beautiful.

After some time passed, the tumultuous affair seemed to lose momentum. Jake’s boss put allot of pressure on him to meet deadlines, Susan filed for divorce wanting half of his assets, he was losing sleep, losing control, and began bending his elbow with crystal filtered Diaka Vodka. Jake in a state of urgency, abruptly ended his affair, realizing his rock was Susan and Susan all along. He wanted her back.


The thought of losing Susan for good became Jake’s nightmare as well as his daymare. Jake called Susan begging, “Baby, please come back!” All the while the Elizabeth Taylor look a like, was begging Jake to come back to her. Jake crumbled and went back to Rose from time to time to prove he still is the man. Susan learned of this, remained strong, and demanded that Jake end the affair for good.

Jake promised Susan he would visit Rose one last and final time. That evening Jake met with Rose at her place. Her walls were dancing with candlelit shadows, the aroma of the finest Italian cuisine met his nostrils at the door, and playing, was the sexiest music to melt the pants off any man. There went Jake’s pants again, however, he could not perform for the guilt was tremendous. Rose was instantly angered, and demanded an explanation for his lack of satisfying her. He told Rose he did not love her, it really was over this time, and he was going back to his wife.

Rose, straddled on top of Jake, slapped his face, and then made another demand. She told Jake she was four months pregnant (no one would know with her petite physique) and that if he did not tell his wife; she would. Rose was not sweet as a rose anymore. In a caveman rage, Jake flipped Rose where he was now on top. Rose could barley move her arms and her legs were locked. To shut her up, Jake reached for her sleeping pills, and dumped half the bottle in her mouth. She had no choice but to swallow for she was gagging. In between gulps of air, Rose screamed, “Jake!” “ The baby!” “Jake!” “Stop!” “The baby!” Jake did not stop until the pillow he placed over her face sucked every molecule of air out of her, till her arms slowly stopped flapping, and her chest eventually stopped heaving.

Jake wiped all his fingerprints, gathered and replaced the bed sheet for fear of fiber evidence, and was glad he did not eat or drink anything. He placed the bottle of sleeping pills on the bed to make it appear to be a suicide. It was around 1:00 in the morning now, scared to death of what he had just done; Jake drove 80 miles an hour to a hotel and called Susan. The texture of the darkness felt moist; rain was on its way. Jake once again begged, “Baby, please come back!” Susan denied him again, and told Jake that he did not sound like himself.

About six months went by and the shock of Rose’s “suicide” finally quieted down. Cept’ there was a rumor that Rose’s grave appeared to have been tampered with. Jake’s life also seemed to settle; yet he was plagued with the nightmare of his horrid secret. Susan even managed a half smile upon the sight of Jake, the few times she briefly ran into him at the local Coffee House.

One night, Jake got a crazy notion and called Susan from a hotel and once again begged, “Baby, please come back!” This time, Susan decided to meet Jake. While driving to his hotel, Susan imagined and anticipated what people called the “make-up sex”. Jake was almost in tears to finally have an evening with Susan at long, long last. Once inside, Jake immediately began pleading his case while both craved each other’s touch. One thing led to another, and Susan had to stop. She then seductively excused herself to the bathroom to slip into something well let us say “more comfortable”. Jake was shining like the moon, lit from the energy of the Sun. His efforts seemed to go in his favor as he striped down to his boxers.

Twenty minutes went by, and Jake heard what seemed like Susan talking to someone. He peeked in her purse to see if her cell was there and it was. Who could she be talking to? “Baby, are you alright in there and coming out soon?” “Yes Jake, she said.” “Baby, you don’t sound like yourself.” “Be right out, she said.” Jakes started to get excited, turned out the lights and lit a Crème Brûlée scented candle. Susan’s favorite.

Susan opened the door and began to walk toward Jake. “Baby…uh…you look so…uh…so different.” Susan straddled herself on top of Jake. The lights started to flicker, and laughing is heard like a surround sound stereo system. Jake screamed as loud as he could. He tried to get up and couldn't. There was a force stronger than anything he had ever seen or felt before holding him in situ. Susan laughed a laugh that was not hers and said, “Your screams are silent and no one, absolutely no one…can hear you.”

Jake closed his eyes, praying that this was only a nightmare as he was in a state of shock. This cannot be real, he thought. Jake heard a baby crying while his eyes were closed. He immediately opened his eyes to witness that Susan was no longer Susan, and a baby of Satan was straddling him. The baby cried, then laughed hysterically, with eyes as red as blood oranges, and a tongue as sharp as a pitchfork. Jake could not move. The howl of the wind blew the windows open ready to take Jake’s last breath to the ebony sky, and the crackle of skeleton’s bones were heard as they danced the Danse Macabre. The candle filled the room with the scent of…roses. Reapers equipped with special scythes were ready to pluck Jake’s wicked heart caged in his ribs. Jake screamed, “Who are you?” The baby hovered a pillow over his face and in a voice as sweet as a rose said, “You asked for your baby to come back, so here I am Daddy!”

{{{~~~***Dr. Rob***~~~}}}



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Last edited by PaintedDiary; 08-04-2007 at 11:37 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 08-04-2007, 03:45 AM
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PD!! I'm alone in the house tonight...now how can I go to sleep after reading this!? Yikes...another blockbuster horror train ride! Very scary! I love the way your ordinary, every day stories have SUCH a macabre twist at the end...chills down my spine, "Baby"!!



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Old 08-04-2007, 10:59 AM
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WOW ..... *gasps* This is an awesome story Kim...... good thing it is now daylight ...lol. I would not be able to sleep after just reading this.
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Old 08-04-2007, 11:00 AM
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Kimberly,

I agree with Therese. This is really scary and you write these very well. You set it all up perfectly. It almost reads like a fairy tale with the moral type of ending. I like fairy tales too, so I really enjoyed this one.

I know this is not critique salon, but a couple small things.

Jake had her to (too) *** misspelled too. ***

(Old French phrase meaning Dance Of Death) I would leave this out.

When Susan goes into the bathroom and is gone for awhile. You change the pronoun use from her to it. This is a good foreshadow to the upcoming startling ending, but I felt thrown off when I read it. I would leave this to read as "her" because when she comes out of the bathroom, she still looks like Susan, we still believe it's her.

I totally enjoyed this. I'm sure this will publish.



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Old 08-04-2007, 11:36 AM
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can we give extra points for shock value? this deserves a ton for that,
seems you someone took baby come back very literally,
as far as a baby straddling someone whoa that is shocking and scary,
and a tad abnormal, but more extra points for freaking me out.



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Old 08-04-2007, 12:40 PM
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PD,

Nice! Very Rod Sterlingish........ This had a nice, smooth flow from start to finish.
Great storyline and dialogue and I just simply luved the endin'....
Fantastic write, PD - your talents are limitless.........
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Old 08-04-2007, 01:50 PM
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Kim,

It takes so doing for me to read short stories. And I'm not into the scary type. But I'm hooked now! This was an incredible story. And I don't know if I'll ever say I want my baby back not even at applebees!

Jerry



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Old 08-04-2007, 02:56 PM
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