PaintedDiary

Dear Sealiah,

Thank you soooo much for reading and commenting! I am very happy you like this entry and I have #2 posted so far also. I must catch up on my Sealiah fix...lol...thanks again...love ya!

PD

Mysty

Awesome Kim.... what can one say ...... this just draws one in and now I am off to read part two..

DaveKuzminski

This reminds me in a good way of how some novels began in the early 1900s. It's simple, direct to the point, and it lets the reader determine within the first page whether to go on reading (or make a purchase). Though the hints are rather broad about the individual being a vampire, it's not definite meaning it could be be someone occult. I'm of a divided opinion as to how soon the actual identity and makeup of the hidden individual should be revealed. You run the risk of aggravating anyone who doesn't care for vampire stories if you reveal that too late while you have a similar risk of limiting your readership if you reveal that too soon.

In other matters, capitalization is in need of work. Psychologist is not an uncommon profession, so it's not in need of capitalization in the first sentence. Also, and even more distracting is the formatting. Please highlight the entire section and use the flush left-ragged right paragraph setup. I put off reading this until now hoping that would be fixed.

PaintedDiary

Thank you Dave for reading and commenting....I appreciate your commentary. I did keep in mind the readers when scribing this, and decided that the entry is not too much to read if someone wants more, and not too much to read if someone does not like vampire stories. Additionally, I decided to introduce the Vampire element in the second entry.

The beauty of this craft, and one that I love is the fact that I can write with simplicity, go technical, or write advanced. After being a scientist for almost 20 years, my PhD documents, and Nasa (all required)..I only wrote in the latter. So now I love to express and experiment with my writing and creativity on all levels.

I will implement your suggestions, and thank you for them. The alignment was done that way for no other reason than my preference at the time, and experiment. However, formally, I do know the alignment would need to be adjusted.


Kim

PaintedDiary

Thank you Mysty for taking time to read and to comment. I was hoping to draw in my audience before revealing in Entry #2 the vampire element. I'm happy you enjoyed.....thank you again sis!

Kim

MsJacquiiC

wow KIM - This 4th edit you've presented is nearly immaculate in my opinion - it's so interesting to see the metamorphosis between the 1st post and the edited entries - your story has definitely taken on an interesting shape. I too am glad you didn't center the texts, it reads much better when the text is left-aligned.

At anyrate - this is quite an impressive write - Very poetically stated actually. Oh! And I'm so happy to see that you implemented some of the suggestions JOLIE and MS N and GAIL added - You can definitely tell you've gained a bit of insight into your story from the suggestions made - Wonderful to see... And the passage I highlighted above - I think perhaps it may be JUST enough of a hint that there is some "other-worldly" event in the works. Sounds like just the hint of a vampire tale. Just enough to whet my appetite for entry #2

Very nice - Moving on to Dali Diary Entry #2

Jacquii.

ps - I am so glad you edited the word "piquant" to "captivating" because I'm not exactly sure a person can be piquant - perhaps a bellpepper can be a piquant one, or the color burgandy can be piquant if the sun hits it just right LOL

Curtis Spider Lee