DaveKuzminski

The first paragraph should be offset from the next by asterisks to show change of scene. The same goes for further repetitions of that.

When you mention sending the Patrol, shouldn't it be "a patrol" or is there a very special "patrol" that should be feared?

Also, there's a bit too much repetition of some descriptions. I'm guessing you're using that for effect, but it can become old to the reader quite quickly, so you might want to review it to see if the effect is worth that much repetition.

Overall, I believe you'll find readers more accepting of a linear progression of the story. Like prologues, flashbacks need great care to work properly in advancing the story. If a flashback is absolutely necessary to reveal some facts, try using a nightmare that the main character is experiencing either in sleep or while sick. It's a useful way of adding depth to some characters by showing hidden fears of future failure or frustration over how a past event occurred.

butchiesmom

Thanks for taking the time to read and review this, Dave. I am excited about the change in format for Eilia.

I have a friend who is my ex college English professor and a fan of my writing. She is also a very good editor and when I read this to her (over the phone) she also mentioned about the repetition. I'm assuming you're referring to the description of the Siiker as it grows closer to the palace and Keirn. Though I thought it fantastic, she quickly let me know it wasn't as good as I thought it was and that I should consider changing it, so I've been working on it since, lol. There's less repetition and should be a bit more description.

The patrol I referred to is the King's patrol which has a very nasty reputation. I wasn't sure whether to capitalize patrol or not, perhaps I should since this is a specific patrol for King Brugher. I'm sure there's an army there somewhere but haven't discovered it yet.

As for the flashbacks, I assumed I'd have to use a flashback eventually, even have one in mind for the telepathic horse, Zare, but most of the flashbacks are being incorporated into the linear story.

I thank you for the insight. It does help quite a bit to know what someone feels about this story who doesn't know me that well. I was hoping someone, such as yourself, would comment on it. What you didn't say, lol, was whether you liked it or not. That's also useful information for me and my coauthor, crazymamma5.

Again, thanks for taking the time to comment.

Gail

butchiesmom

I've been revising and adding a bit. How does this read now? I'm curious to find out.

Keirn’s Escape

Squeak...one half rotation of the cart’s wheel; slap… one sole hitting the ground; step… the rest of the shoe one second later. Early morning travelers, on the path to the palace, notice only the squeaky wheel. They didn’t see the tattered clothing worn by the old man pushing a cart loaded with bundles or the too long shoes tied on the old man’s feet with rags, it wasn’t an uncommon costume amongst them.

*****************

Lady Karin stood in the throne room waiting for Court to begin. King Brugher had not deigned to appear yet and the day couldn’t begin for his royal court until he did. She looked around the large room at the bright fabrics of the nobles’ costume. Her own outfit, a red tunic over a flowing sky blue gown, was not something she liked but since it was the garb to wear amongst the ladies of this court, she wore it. Her preferences ran to that of the servants; a tunic and long skirt with practical shoes. The slippers she wore peeked out from beneath the hem of her gown, a more impractical shoe she’d never worn! Her toes were pinched from the narrow point of the shoe toe and the soles were so thin there was no cushioning of the sole. The balls of her feet and her arches ached badly. She wanted to leave and go back to her quarters to change into something more comfortable but until King Brugher arrived and matters were taken care of no one could leave. The cacophony of voices assaulted her ears as she stood there. “Karin.” The hand on her shoulder plus the voice of her beloved was enough for her to excuse herself from the inane chatter of the circle of ladies surrounding her.

“Thank you, Keirn!” she whispered to her life partner. “One more minute of that nonsense…” Lady Karin looked into the face of her love and saw what she’d dreaded for weeks. “It’s time, isn’t it?” Her heart sank and eyes began to tear as he sadly nodded his head.

Keirn took her aside to a relatively deserted corner of the Throne Room and whispered to her. “Remember, what we discussed. This isn’t just to save my life. Your life and Brinn’s are in danger also. I can feel it getting ever closer…”

“We wouldn’t be in danger if you had stopped using the Craft!” she whispered back.

“Be that as it may, there’s no use in assigning blame now! The Siiker draws near. I must leave now!”

Lady Karin dabbed at the tears in her eyes with a perfumed kerchief. “What am I to say? We are not to leave without permission of the King. He will send the Patrol after you!”

“You will say, just as we’ve rehearsed, I went to the Necessary and never came back. You haven’t heard from me since. It will be the truth,” Keirn replied.

“But…”

“No buts, no arguments, no farewells. The Patrol will know if you speak an untruth. This is the only way.”

“But…Keirn…”

“What, my love?”

“May I say I love you?”

“Yes, you may,” he smiled, “Kiss me! I must go to the Necessary!”

They kissed a slow, soft farewell and Keirn left his love behind as he went into the hallway outside of the throne room. The guard outside the doors watched as Keirn walked toward the Necessary with an unmistakable step. The guard smiled. Quite a few lords and ladies had been using that step as of late.

Keirn cracked open the door of the room after a believable amount of groans and watched the guard as he talked to Lady Karin. He had not expected her to distract the guard for him but realized it was the best thing to do. He’d planned to use the Craft to distract the guard but the Siiker would’ve honed in on that use, capturing both him and his family before he’d had a chance to lure it away from them.

*****************

One old woman in a tattered gown, wearing shoes tied on with rags, carrying a sack much too large for her, walks two steps, no more no less, ahead of the old man pushing the overburdened cart with a wheel crying out for grease. Other travelers, along the path, paid them no heed; some carried or pushed burdens just as heavy. None, however, saw the strange, dim glow appear just above the bundles in the cart…

*****************

Even now, he could feel the Siiker’s probe trying to enter his mind. It was no longer safe for him to be near the palace. He must leave now or it would be too late. Keirn glanced once more at the woman he couldn’t take with him, slid out of the room and walked quietly toward their quarters.

Keirn hurried down the corridor next to the door of the living quarters he shared with Lady Karin and their five year old daughter, Brinn. Rushing through the sitting room, he was glad to see his daughter and her body servant weren’t there. He sped past the closed door of her sleeproom to the room he shared with his life partner.

Keirn ran around the bed and stopped in front of a tapestry hanging on the wall. Holding up his left hand before the wall hanging, the scene depicted changed from King Brugher to that of the true royal family. Keirn moved aside the tapestry enough to reveal a small cubbyhole and the carryall he’d hidden there days before.

The Siiker’s probe grew stronger. No more extra time remained for him, but he needed to sneak one last peek at his daughter. He picked up the carryall, placed it on the bed behind him, dropped the tapestry back in its place and changed the picture back to King Brugher. Anyone, without the Craft, would find only a blank wall behind the tapestry.


Keirn told himself there wasn’t much time left, that stopping, even to peek into his daughter’s sleeproom would be too many seconds too long. That didn’t matter to him. He had to see his daughter one last time. Keirn lifted the damask curtain which covered the open doorway of her room. He smiled as he saw Brinn playing “Court” with her favorite dolls and Jossa.

“Have you come to seek a boon?” Her high, childish voice carried across the room to him. Brinn was seated on her bed, her back to the door, dolls facing her. Jossa, on her knees, was opening her mouth to speak when she spied Keirn peeking in. Keirn put a finger to his lips and shook his head to indicate he didn’t want Brinn to know he was there. Only a few seconds ticked by during that exchange but it was more time than he could spare…

*****************

Though there were many other travelers on the path that morning, no one thought to help the old couple with their burdens. No one, especially those conveyed in coaches, or their guards pushing all walking traffic to the side of the path, saw the growing glow hovering over the cart, or the old man’s toothless smile.

*****************

Keirn’s feet fairly flew along the lower corridors of the palace. He’d changed into servant’s garb before leaving his sleeproom. Affecting a harried, servile posture, no one noticed his passage. Once, before the false king and The Five took control, royalty came and went as they pleased from the palace. Now, only tradesmen and servants moved in and out of the gate freely.

The guard, at the East gate, with the sun shining in their eyes, saw only his crude garb and waved him through. Hitching the carryall up higher on his shoulder, he stopped at the crossroad to listen for the particular squeak and the extra sound of the Siiker’s cart wheel. Extending the reach of his hearing, the sound finally came to him from his left. Keirn took the path to his right. He smiled as the probe lessened with each step he took away from the palace and the Siikers.

*****************

An old man in tattered garb, his shoes tied on his feet with rags, pushed an overburdened cart with a wheel in need of greasing. An old woman walked two steps before it, no more no less, bent under the weight of the sack on her back, the tattered hem of her gown, so ragged it no longer touched the tops of the shoes tied on her feet with rags. None of the other travelers on the path noticed the glow above the cart slowly fade away or the Siiker’s toothless smile disappear…