Trulyana

~~I'll like to share with you all, the work in process of my first Historical Novel. I have been working on it, on and off for the past couple of months. I started writing it during the November month of the NaNo Competition 2007. I got inspired to write after I left the Academia of University, and thought this would be a perfect opportunity to let my creativity guide me. The ideas, just flowed and I really got involved in the story. One slight weakness for me, is that my characters aren't as strong as I'd like them to be, so I still have quite a lot to do from that angle.~~

Chapter 1

Down a narrow street in London by Brick Lane, on a Midsummer’s day in June an excitable boy with a brown shade of hair and deep blue eyes ran delightfully behind his rolling hoop. This toy was the only reminder of his beloved father who had passed away when he was eight. Every day at four o’clock, this boy would roll his hoop along that narrow street in memory of his father. His father had died just a year after he’s mother. Will short for William was he’s name, a slight resemblance to his late grandfather who died during the Falklands war. Will held he’s memories close to he’s heart as he did not have any other choice. His mother Jane died during child birth with her second child Dorothy. This made it even more difficult to bear. William’s recollections of he’s mother left him puzzled as a young boy, as much of he’s memory was cluttered. William tried to burst he’s thinking bubble whilst continuing to roll his hoop, through the dark and gritted lane, that late afternoon.

The Edwardian clock struck six o’clock as Beth, finished her daily round of chores in the Shaftsbury
Manor house. Beth was a slim bronzed tone looking girl, with dark deep eyes irresistible to anyone’s charm. Beth headed towards the pantry, where the butler stood preoccupied with a note he contained in his hand. Beth tried not to take any notice of the new butler as he had just after all arrived and was not open to conversations with strangers. Beth was born in Caracas and shipped over on a ferry when she was five.
Her recollection of that period in time seemed almost lost in the deep engraving of a dirt cup, and she was not ready to scrub it away in order to understand the circumstance of why she had been sent. Beth’s path lied in the hands of her husband now, and she chose to earn her keep as a maid in one of the most noble and richest houses in London. Beth had never questioned her English name, she kept a tight hold on her identity in England, and was not eager to discover her Spanish heritage.

Beth sat down on an oak like crafts made chair in the pantry and thought of Will. Beth had always felt like he’s surrogate mother. When Will lost his mother, Beth made it her responsibility to be there for the family for always. She was always very close to the Shaftsbury family, and when Peter, Wills father died she was already an engraftment in the house. Beth decided to move in and dedicate her full time to Will and Dorothy, and promised herself, she would not let anything happen to them. Although just a maid, she had rights to the children as Jane made a will before childbirth, and gave the custodial parental role to Beth.
Will strolled in at ten past six, although not seeming that time. He came straight into the pantry, “Hi Beth, what gives” Beth replied “Come on Will, you know better what gives” She pulls Will in and gives him a peck on he’s forehead. “Good to see you, what’s for supper?” Will asks. “Boiled cabbage and haddock” Beth replies worriedly, as the Butler enters the room.

Will takes account of Beth’s apprehension, and walks away as the Butler comes towards them. “Lady Armenia has arrived, she meets you in the main dining room”. The Butler replies without the notion of movement, and acknowledgement of who Lady Armenia is. “Lady Armenia? So soon, why is she here? I’m on my way” Beth answers, and rushes to her room. Lady Armenia felt rather insecure standing by the lounges main firewall. Her posture was rather stiff and she wished she was back in her own manor, reading her favourite romance novel. Lady Armenia was a tall elderly woman aged sixty two, who always looked so refined, but inside a different story lurked. She was as bitter as spiked cheese, and her perseverance usually deprived her of anything calm. Lady Armenia was renowned for her strong ability to face up to disputes, despite her fondness of them over the late years.

Francesca Armenia was born in Veracruz, Mexico in 1842. Francesca’s father Roberto, born in Mexico was a sailor most of he’s life, and travelled for years out on the open sea. Her mother met him, on one of the cruiser ships. Her mother was a performer making her way, on war ships over the Atlantic Ocean. She went by the name of Lily, Simmons. Lily was a star in the making, and her chances of becoming a performer at home in Britain were bleak. The war had broken out, and she ran as far away from it as possible as she could. Lily jumped on the first ship out to America, as soon as she discovered her talent.

Francesca’s parents were the bravest people she had ever known, and she wish she remained as kind hearted as them at her current age. Her parents died simultaneously on a War ship returning home, from America when she was twelve. Francesca automatically gained additional wealth over night, by being handed to her Aunty. The Simmons was a family of high calibre, as Francesca’s great grandfather was a politician at the Houses of Parliament. Francesca was automatically sent to Boarding school upon her arrival, and by the age of sixteen she was a refined lady. Francesca decided to further her interest in Medicine, by going to college.

Lady Armenia’s bitterness derived from her time during the American Civil War in 1864. Francesca was witness of much pain and misery, at Fort Fisher North Carolina. She was sent by one of the hospitals in England as a young nurse. Her experience was short lived, but she was full of knowledge as she had just completed Medical school. The calling to be shipped over to America came suddenly, and she did not place much emphasis on what it meant, except for the fact that a door was opening for her. Francesca always believed in opportunities and thought this would be the start of her medical career. Little did she know, otherwise she would have never left. Francesca’s time at Fort Fisher was situated on a concentration camp, and was not what she expected. Francesca became a slave nurse amidst the war of wounds and killings. Images of horror appeared before her eyes for such a long time, a year to be precise. This is a great part of her past, somewhat unforgettable.

Lady Armenia was not looking forward to facing up to Beth, as she did not carry a genuine likeness for her. She was willing to put this aside for once, and attempt to talk with Beth in a civilized manner in spite of her original plan. The door creaked, and a tall middle aged man assuming it was the butler walked in, and held the door for Beth. “Hi Armenia, how can I be of service to you. What brings you to me this time?” Beth asked, as she swayed in comfortably through the burnt oak door, and gave a leaving hand signal for the Butler to leave. “I come in good time, and peace Beth, all I ever do is come in peace. It’s about time, we moved Will’s funds to a concrete bank, if only for his sake. I have come to an understanding that, hiding the Shaftsbury’s funds at Georgina’s mount is not an ideal place for it to reside.” Lady Armenia revealed, with a serene sense of innocence.

Beth looked at her with doubt, “Why are you telling me this now? It’s been almost seven years since the death of the Shaftsbury family, and we agreed the funds to stay at Georgina’s until Will grows to he’s 16th Birthday.” Beth remarked. “Now is the time to move, for the interest of he’s benefits. William must be wise enough to transfer his own fund, when he is ready to do so.” Lady Armenia explained. “I don’t understand, why this sudden change? What are you not telling me Francesca? Is this another ploy, to gain additional wealth in your honour?” Beth worriedly asked. “You should know by now, I only think of the children’s interests. I am not a fool to wealth. I want too, what’s best for William as much as you, can you not see that? Do you still blame me for Giorgio’s death?” Lady Armenia asked playfully. “I never blamed you for he’s death. I met him a couple of days before he died, how do you think I’d react. You only confessed he was my brother, on he’s death bed. I never forgave you for that, but I can’t just walk around with this weight on my shoulders and blame you for it… I know you care Armenia, but I get the distinct impression at times that, you only want what’s best for yourself. Can you not see that, I only want what’s best for the children?” Beth said. “I cannot go back and change what happened, I can only do what’s right now for the children, and their future funds.” Lady Armenia responded.

“I know we have had our fair share of difficulties, over what happened with Giorgio in the past, and I am willing to put it behind me for the children.” Beth gave in. “Where would you like to place the Shaftsbury’s funds?” Beth asked. “I’d like to allot the funds to Sir Howard Barclay, he has been a great banker of my finances for many years and he has agreed to take on this project transaction.” Lady Armenia happily responded, with a sigh of relief. “Sir Howard Barclay? I have heard he is a great man, and I would be happy to meet him. May I ask when the assigning will behold?” Beth declared. “I am pleased you have accepted this transfer, you will not be disappointed. The assigning will not be necessary, as Sir Howard Barclay wishes to see to it himself. Hope you approve.” Lady Armenia evilly dwelled in.

‘If that is the case, I will be pleased to see him myself, to discuss with him this transfer if only for the sake of the children, and the monetary matters.” Beth confidently replied. “As you wish, I will see that you meet with Sir Howard Barclay. May I be of presence?” Lady Armenia asked. “I would like to see Sir Howard Barclay alone, if only for a moment. I am the children’s responsible carer, and shall see to their financial matters. I will not need you.” Beth replied with a sense of duty. Lady Armenia looked at Beth with jealousy, but had to respect her wishes. Lady Armenia couldn’t spoil this for herself, not yet anyway. “As you wish” Lady Armenia replied. “Thank you. Now I must go and run some chores. “Beth replied. “I’ll see myself out. Sir Howard Barclay will be waiting at the Dukes office at 3 o’clock tomorrow. Please make sure you arrive in all good time” Lady Armenia, responded.

Beth rushed back into the pantry as soon as she led Lady Armenia to the main door. She had been quite surprised that Lady Armenia had remained fair with her, it was a rare occasion. Having thought that, Beth still felt suspicious of Lady Armenia’s reasons, behind the Shaftsbury’s treasury transfer. She caught eye of the new Butler still standing amidst, and she wondered if now would be the appropriate time to introduce herself. “So, what’s your name and what is the length of your duties as a Butler? I’m Beth, I’ve been here practically all my life. I take care of the children, and I clean and cook.” Beth nervously asked. “Names Jeffrey, Jeffrey Lambert. I’m here for a fortnight, got sent by the registry office standing.” Jeffrey replied abruptly. He didn’t want to give too much away, he didn’t like people. He chose to talk to them as little as possible. Beth gained proximity to John and came in for a handshake, but John refused and walked away. Jeffrey found her proximity repulsive, so he left.

Dorothy wandered in the Pantry quite merrily and Beth watched her, whilst thinking of Jeffrey. There was something not quite right, with this new butler. She decided to forget about it, for the while. Dorothy looked ever so fragile as she got older, and Beth was becoming more and more scared of loosing her. “Hey Beth, I have something for you.” Dorothy replied. “Follow me into the garden, I think you’re going to like this” Beth did as she was told, with a smile on her face. Dorothy led Beth deep into the garden, where it was pitched black as the trees gained height and over crowdedness. Under this darkness was a ray of light shining through, which gave hope for the sun. Down by the ground where scattered leaf’s lay, a figure was distinguished. “Look, it’s a baby mole.” Dorothy replied proudly. Beth took one glance at the creature, and turned away taking into account that the mole was dead. “He’s all yours; I hope you’ll treat him nicely. He’s asleep most of the time. Shall we wake him up?” Dorothy asked. “Why, thank you Dorothy. I will treasure him, as much as you love him” Beth said, feeling slightly worried. Dorothy ran off, whilst Beth stared at the mole. Poor creature, she thought. She decided to bury the mole, in the present condition and soil it was laying in.

Back inside, Beth was much more relaxed as she watched Dorothy play with her porcelain doll, and Will act out he’s beloved school play. As Beth stared at Dorothy, she thought of Lady Armenia and the transaction she was uncertain to go through. It had been so long since the death of both parents, and she always felt invasive when someone entered the Shaftsbury’s family square. Tea was boiled in the main kitchen, and it was time Dorothy settled down for her bath, and then bed.

The next morning, Beth was eager to meet Sir Howard Barclay and get the transaction process in order. She had been anxious all night. As she prolonged her thought, the bell rang in the mere distance. Beth heard whispers, and left her isometric room. Beth met the antique wooden banister, and softly walked downstairs. In the distant hallway was a man facing he’s back to her. He looked familiar; she walked closer to him and silently sighed. Her husband was here. Christopher Blake was he’s name. He was handsome to many, but to her he was just a face. Beth dreaded the day, he would visit this house. She did not like the man she married, and yet she stayed with him, to please him. That’s all she ever could do, ever since they met.
“Beth my darling, I’m so pleased to see you. I have missed you, like I miss my cart during salvation.” Christopher happily said. Romance was definitely not one of he’s stronger points. Christopher could talk like he walked, but he could never hopelessly devour a woman.

Beth looked at him, slightly perplexed as he drew her close and pulled her in to he’s chest. He gave her a peck on her subtle lips, and pulled her away rapidly. “So, what are you doing here?” Beth asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow. “I’ve come to see my little honey pot, aren’t I allowed to come by?” Christopher did not hold a strong case. “Of course you can, you just surprised me. I cannot stay long with you, I have things to do.” Beth replied. Christopher looked ever more worried over the years, as he’s face had grown tired.
“How’s the accountancy firm?” Beth asked, in attempt to get a little chit chat going. “Swell, I have personal matters to take care today, and will not be required until late afternoon.” He said. What personal matters would these be? She thought. Beth knew, never to ask anything that would impose or make Christopher uncomfortable, so she never did further her queries. Christopher looked towards the pantry entrance, and said, “Buttercup I must go attend some duties now, I will see you tonight.” He gave her a quick peck back, and walked ahead straight to the pantry without looking back at her. Jeffrey was by the door, and led Christopher in and then closed the door. Beth looked in astonishment, not quite sure what to expect. She paused for a moment, and then decided to head back up to her room.

The clock struck 2 o’clock in the main dining room and Beth was ready, to meet Sir Edward Barclay. Beth gathered her things, and left the Shaftesbury House. She stood outside of the Manor house, and glanced at Wills window. Beth hoped that the transfer would run smoothly, and worried about Georgina’s response. She wasn’t sure whether Georgina would be present, during this transaction. Beth started walking south of the Manor, and wondered about Christopher. Why had he walked straight into the pantry, and met Jeffrey. Beth tried not to let her thoughts cloud her, but she just couldn’t help it as she remained puzzled. Beth gained proximity to the Duke’s headquarters around quarter to three, just enough time to prepare herself before the meeting. The Duke’s office would be to the right, in this large overcast building. She entered the chrome doors, and sat herself down in the waiting room.

Beth met Sir Howard Barclay soon after she sat down, and was relieved she did not have to wait any extra time. Sir Howard Barclay was a medium sized man, with silver framed oval spectacles. He’s age was given away by he’s burnt grey hair once brown. Sir Howard Barclay was most pleased to meet Beth, at last. “Good to see you Lady Beth.” Sir Barclay replied. “It’s a pleasure meeting you too, Sir Howard Barclay. I am fond of your work.” Beth declared amused. Sir Howard Barclay, instructed Beth to follow him, and so she did. The building was the opposite of what Beth saw on the outside, as every hallway was marked in elegance and importance. Beth was content to be here. Sir Howard Barclay arrived at a gold marked door, with a brown knob un-matching its elegance. He turned the knob, and opened the door and welcomed Beth in. This must be the Duke’s office, Beth thought.

Sir Howard Barclay and Beth were seated opposite each other along a mahogany table. Sir Howard Barclay commenced. “Putting social matters aside, I have been informed that the Shaftsbury funds have been residing at the hierarchy of this family for years. Georgina Shaftsbury, mother of late Jane is not the suitable person to have a hold of these funds. Georgina is almost 80, and her health is not to match. I can arrange for these funds to be allocated to one of my kept safe gated treasuries. I have asked Georgina to attend today, in acceptation of this allowance. I hope a suitable arrangement can proceed.” Sir Howard Barclay cited. “I am happy with this transaction, but I am only worried for the case of the children’s future benefits.” Beth replied. “What is it that worries you Beth?” Sir Howard Barclay asked.

“Will William be the only beneficiary to this fund, when he reaches legal adult age, with exception for he’s Sister Dorothy?” Beth pinpointed. “I understand your worry. This gated treasury will remain until either Dorothy or William chooses to sign their part. No one has the authorization to redeem these funds, only the direct family. Georgina will be automatically removed, from this decision as she will be too elderly to gain inheritance.” Sir Howard Barclay promptly answered. “I am glad this is the case.” Beth breathed out calmly. “I will need you to read the following transaction paper, and will need a signature of your acceptance before the meeting closure, so I can proceed with the process.” Sir Howard Barclay said. He stood up, from he’s seated chair and swiftly walked around the desk and handed Beth the paper. Beth stared at it, unmoved by he’s action and attempted to read it. “I will leave you a couple of moments, to read this alone.” Sir Howard Barclay revealed, and then he left.

Beth tried her best to make sense of this paper, but she was a lousy reader and wished Sir Howard Barclay had stayed to help. As she re-read the paper a few thorough times, she began to realise that this procedure wasn’t as simple as she had wished. The paper revealed that the funds would not be whole, when William decided to gain responsibility for them. An interest in this treasury safe would be deducted from the original initiation signing, until the funds were to be disposed of completely. Beth was perplexed, but realised that these monetary transactions were of this nature, and had to benefit somehow in the future. She continued pondering, whilst Georgina entered the room and sat beside her. Beth had not realised Georgina enter the room, let alone sit beside her, until, Georgina spoke. “I am fond that you will act, and give a solid home to our family’s funds.” Beth remained hesitant, but replied with. “I am happy that you see it this way, I can only wish what’s best for the children.” This was the last time, they both spoke to each other.

DaveKuzminski

First off, you need to catch the reader's attention in your first paragraph. A description sentence isn't the kind of thing to do to catch the reader's attention. Nor is using a possessive form wrong a good idea, either. In case you're not aware, the possessive form of "he" is not "he's". It is "his" and using it in the narrative will remove a lot of problems from your manuscript. If it was being used in dialogue, you'd have a good reason if you were trying to show the character as being uneducated or trying to make fun of how another character speaks. However, it's obvious in the first page that some of the characters using the wrong possessive form are not uneducated or trying to make fun of someone. Putting it in the narrative is dangerous unless you're trying to show that the narrator is not well educated. Since that isn't established in the first paragraph so the reader will be in on the point of view, it simply doesn't work for narrative use.

As I stated, you need to catch the reader's attention and that means letting the reader in on what the story is about. If William is the main character, then we need to know what his goals are as soon as the first paragraph. Instead, we're being introduced to characters without knowing who and what the story is about. In other words, contrary to what you believe, characterization isn't your weakness. So, what you need to do is let the reader know what the story is about. Then bring in the characters as they're needed.