Anonymous Encounter

Gabrielle

Her lips were full; plump and white as the moon glazed with black juice from the midnight berries she held between her long and elegant fingers. Her raven colored hair fell to her shoulders in slight waves, tousled and fine as silk barely concealing the pair of small horns curling from her skull. They were obsidian, cold and shining in the twilight. Her flesh was flawless and bare; her womanly core barely concealed by the tall waving grass she sat in. Her breasts were small and firm, her nipples slightly tan. She opened her mouth as she threw back her head and laughed, her deep blue eyes sparkling under long and dark eyelashes.
“Why, my love, angels do sin as you have just confirmed. I never would have known.” She stated as I caressed her cheek with my fingertips.
“Is it a sin to love? I love you more than any creature--human or no-- that I have seen.”
Her face instantly turned serious, her brows smoothing and her eyes chilling. “Do you love me more than your God, Gabrielle?” I paused. To admit loving this demon creature more than my God was blasphemy, something an angel of my stature could not risk. She noticed my pause and placed the black grapes she had been consuming in the grass. With a calculated seduction she crawled closer to my white robe clad frame, and brushed a blonde stand of my hair from my face with a black juice stained finger. “Does my lover value me above all else?” her mouth parted slightly and her sweet white tongue flicked over her lips to moisten them to ultimate temptation.
I turned my cheek to stare at the waving dark green grass. This was our forbidden meeting place on earth. A field I had shielded from all human and mystical eye. “My darling I must not answer this question.” I whispered quietly. I slowly looked at her from the corner of my eye taking in the beauty of her nude body so close to me. I glanced back into her ice blue eyes with an acceptance of her evil.
“It is a mortal sin to be a woman and love a woman let alone the fact that the woman be a demon succubus. Let us just enjoy the warmth our company excites and leave it at this, my love.” I boldly and sweetly ran my soft fingers gently up the curve of her hips to her breasts, holding the weight of one in my palm and relishing the sensation.
She quickly pulled her body from me, leaning back with her palms in the grass behind her to keep upright. She hissed in anger; her canine teeth fully extended and pressed into her supple lips. She drew her knees tightly to her stomach in a quick motion as well. Her eyes flashed fiery red reminding me of her true origin, the one I had known of all along. “You dare touch me like a lover, yet proclaim your love for another stronger than your love for me?” Her words stung and I desperately tried to regain the distance between us for I did love her with every human semblance in my heart. She batted my pleading hand away with a sharp inhuman swipe and turned her lips away when I attempted to capture them with my own. My eyes filled with tears that surprised even me. Could angels cry? Was this love stealing my inhumanity?
She uncurled her legs and stood with the grace of a demon, and she stood before me, her body exquisite in the dusk lighting. Shadows played over her face yet her eyes remained bright and fierce. “If you do not love me over God than I cannot love you. You must choose me over Him before I can touch you in the ways you deem sinful.” I stood as well, my filmy robes flowing with movement. Was this another demon trap? Set to fell the angel from her kingdom in Heaven? Would I risk such a fall for a beautiful seductress who had stolen my heart?
“But, my love…” my voice had begun sharp with desperation and had trailed at the sight of her magnificence. Even in anger she shone more beautiful than the glowing moon. I placed my head in my delicate hands my golden hair falling from my shoulders to settle near my face. Human tears slipped from my eyes and wet my forever cold skin…yet my skin was losing its angelic chill. Real emotion welled in my breast as I lifted my gaze to her. “I cannot deny my love for God; I am a Heavenly being do you not see? You knew this the moment we began to love, the moment our flesh mingled as one you knew that I could not relinquish my stature. What life could an angel and a demon make together? There is nothing but stolen kisses and stolen hours in hiding from the all watchful eye. I am beside God eternally as you are beside Lucifer. Lilith…can you not see?” My voice broke with the last word and I replaced my face in my palms.
I felt her silken arms enwrap my petite form; her inhumanly soft lips brush my temple. I could not bare the thought of relinquishing the hold I had on my lover, and the chill of her embrace which had been so familiar contrasted my growing warmth. She placed her perfect mouth beside my ear and shocked me with these triumphant words. “My sweet, you cannot declare these things any longer. You have given up your seat in Heaven little Gabrielle. Angels do not feel love, and neither do demons. We worship and we serve. I have succeeded. You are human. You have embraced sin my little idiot and soon your wings will wither. Now Heaven is forever out of your reach.” She stepped away, slowly backing away from my pathetic form. My eyes widened as I felt the heat of my face. My tears tasted of salt, human woe dripping from my eyes and my soul. Oh! I had a soul…
I touched my white satin feathers, my wings were beginning to darken and wither. I looked at this betrayer, the lover I had known to be a demon all along. More tears filled my increasingly mortal eyes, and I reached for her as my wings shriveled. She backed away from my grasp with a beautiful smirk and cute swagger. Her eyes sparkled with humor at my shock. “Did you really believe I could love another woman? Did you believe I could love at all?” I stared at her crestfallen and ashamed. Did my love truly despise me as it seemed? Did she reject the love of another woman as God had taught to reject it? But weren’t Lucifer’s children sinful, acting upon sinful things?
My wings had completely deteriorated, the cloth of my angelic robes rough as hemp as it slipped from my flesh. My face was wet with tears and my emotions human and real. My eyes were new to me, seeing the world in a strange light. The sun had now completely sunk from the sky into the earth and the beautiful succubus--no longer my lover--stood before me in complete victory. “I hope this insult particularly stings your God. One of His most infamous angels seduced with sin and stolen of her immortality.” She was still smirking with those dangerous, full lips and I had sunk to the earth. I was nude, chilled by the lack of sun, and heartbroken. More tears leaked from my eyes.
Lilith suddenly took a few steps toward me, her smile ever-present yet wavering. Something was hidden behind those ice blue eyes, something she guarded with all of her immortal power yet still I could detect. She bent forward with an inhuman grace, her face cocked to the side inches from mine. Her skin was white as the clouds in a perfect blue sky, her hair dark and luscious. I yearned to touch her lips once more with my own yet knew that this could never be again. Even in this pathetically human form I loved the stunning demon.
As she gazed into my eyes for that one moment, the words I was dying to utter tumbled from my lips. “Did you ever love me my beautiful Lilith? Did the time we spent together mean nothing?” There was a shift in her eyes and for a moment not even her immortal strength could mask the raw pain hidden within her. For a moment her horns seemed to have disappeared; her eyes seemed to hold a soul. Then once again she was veiled and her demon form returned. After too long a pause she pulled swiftly away and laughed. “Demon’s do not feel love, Gabrielle.”
I was still knelt on the ground as she walked away, her lean thighs and nicely shaped buttocks my last vision of her. Before the flame engulfed her to transport her back to hell she flicked her voluminous black mane over her pale luminescent shoulder and grinned playfully. “Good-bye pitiful human. Your God will feel this injury in plenty of time.” Her voice sounded hollow, as though she were acting. The flame rose from the earth and swallowed her womanly form.
When later the tales of the demon’s and angels were told, when the Heavenly Kingdom was written of and God’s inner workings and teachings were explored, my story was omitted. My sex was changed to that of a man’s for the human males could not bare the thought of a female angel. They changed my name to Gabriel and never did explain my human transformation. They decided to instead ignore my disappearance and continue my tale. Apparently angelic blasphemy is frowned upon.

SarahNSH

Ohh, now this is exciting! I've read mainly your poetry but this is the first story that I get to read of yours... so, I'm excited to read your short story and the first paragraph just has great descriptions in it and you really set the stage for the reader and help them imagine what's going on, what the characters look like, and where they are. The first sentence: Her lips were full; plump and white as the moon glazed with black juice from the midnight berries she held between her long and elegant fingers. These are just some great visuals and drew me right into your story from that first stanza. The first sentence and paragraph of a story or chapter is definitely what draws the reader in or has them closing the book... and yours had me wanting to read more.

And I just love the concept of this as well! Creative, imaginative, and I love this union between the angel and the demon-like creature... it's just very interesting and I didn't know where it'd be going next. The conversation between them is engaging as well, having me really getting on edge especially when she asks Gabrielle if she loves her more than her God. This is just revoltionary and exciting with this whole thing, their forbidden love, what will happen if Gabrielle does say that she loves this demon more than her own God.

Even in anger she shone more beautiful than the glowing moon.

This above part that I quoted is just a great description. I love how you don't say that the demon is "beautiful" but compare her to something beautiful to solidify it even more with your description above.

“If you do not love me over God than I cannot love you. You must choose me over Him before I can touch you in the ways you deem sinful.” I stood as well, my filmy robes flowing with movement. Was this another demon trap? Set to fell the angel from her kingdom in Heaven? Would I risk such a fall for a beautiful seductress who had stolen my heart?-

Wow, this came as a surprise though you seemed to hint to the reader that this transformation was happening with the angel crying and feeling so much... but this is definitely something that still surprised me and is definitely very interesting.

My wings had completely deteriorated, the cloth of my angelic robes rough as hemp as it slipped from my flesh. -

Another description that helps the reader imagine what the cloth of the angel feels now that they are human with describing it being as rough as hemp.

I do have a suggestion with this sentence here:

Her eyes flashed fiery red reminding me of her true origin, the one I had known of all along. -

With the above sentence I don't believe that you need the "of" and in my opinion it reads smoother without of. So, my suggestion is to remove it to have a smoother sounding sentence, but this is just a suggestion and completely up to you.

The ending is priceless, and great. At the beginning of this story I thought that Gabrielle was supposed to be a man but I don't know much about this angel and really did think that the angel was female. I love how you explain things at the end and how you ended, plus, the whole dynamic between the angel and demon is fantastic and believable as well. Thea, with this being the first story of yours I've read I have to say this is just an amazing piece here. Provacative, smart, and beautifully written, I just loved this. There wasn't much for me to edit or point out, besides the one point. Wow, wow, you did an amazing job, I'm so happy I came across this! Thank you for sharing and I'd love to read more of your stories, because this just blew me away.

Anonymous Encounter

thank you so much! short stories are my passion and i would love to someday publish a novel of them. i saw there was a section here and decided to see what feed back i would get.

i haven't shown my stories to many people because i was afraid i would offend but to get such a good review shows that creativity really is open minded.

i posted another story in a differant short story section because i was confused. i didn't see that it said '300 words or less' so sorry about that. thank you again for taking the time to read this piece and give such a great review. i'm working on other stories so i'm not sure if i'll go back and edit this but thank you very much for the suggestion.

ZonaJewel

Nicely done! Good character development, and neatly wrapped up in short (but good) form!
ZJ

Anonymous Encounter

thank you again

Anonymous Encounter

thank you for the read