SarahNSH

"Hello?" Leo called out. His voice echoed in his head as he tried to direct it at the horse in front of him. Zamar didn't show any sign that he heard the Donestre and slept soundly with Cassia leaning against him.

"Hey, horse," tried to communicate again. The Donestre attempted to make the volume louder as he reached for the horse's mind. Zamar twitched his tail as if he was flicking off an imaginary fly from his back. Leo could see the horse's hindquarters tense but besides that he kept on dozing.

"If you can hear me, answer me!" Leo shouted. The sound of his voice reverberated back as it hit the edges of his mind.

"What do you want, Donestre? And if you insult me by not calling me by my name again I shall show you why we, horses, are feared by our enemies," a voice boomed back. Leo stepped back in surprise as a pair of brown eyes opened to stare at him. The voice was deep in volume and the Donestre felt an immediate headache from the horse's contact. Cassia changed her position on the stallion with a soft murmur and he gently nuzzled her. Leo felt jealousy course through his body at the horse's close contact with Cassia.

"Am I an enemy of yours?" Leo asked the horse. Zamar snorted and flattened his ears in response.

"Yes, all Donestre are. You are filth, creatures that hunt our riders because of their magic. I do not trust you, and if Cassia would ask me to I'd kill you right now. If you keep on agitating me I shall rid myself of you," Zamar replied.

"I'd like to see you try to rid yourself of me," Leo threatened back. He could feel a growl rising in his throat but he quickly silenced it. He glanced at the woman laying on the blue and white stallion. The light from the fire illuminated her oval face in the darkness. Her few white hairs glimmered in the light and she slept with a peaceful expression. He was reminded of the first time that he caught her sleeping. The Maji leader looked innocent that he never would have imagined that her innocence was quickly shed once her eyes opened.

"It is my duty to protect Cassia, she does not need you and I will not allow you to continue your masquerade," Zamar moved to stand. The stallion tenderly pushed Cassia off of his belly. She let out a soft groan and reached to clutch his neck. Her hands fell short as her body became limp again. Zamar gathered himself as he slowly stood and moved toward the Donestre.

"You are wrong, it is my duty to protect her. Know your place," Leo stated. They stared at each other for a few moments, green eyes meeting brown. Breaking eye contact the horse let out a soft snort.

"We will find out who shall serve Cassia, follow, Donestre," Zamar commanded. He walked past Leo and headed in the direction of the forest. The Donestre paused for a moment before following after Zamar. Leo felt the forest swallowing them whole in the night's darkness. He wondered how Zamar could see in the complete and all-consuming darkness. His cat-like eyes adjusted to the lack of light as the stallion weaved through the trees. He suddenly halted and Leo stopped to stare at his hindquarters.

"What are you doing, horse?" Leo asked. His answer was silence as Zamar stood seeming to stare off into the distance. The horse spun around and lunged at Leo with his teeth bared. The Donestre side-stepped with a growl and spun on his heel in time to miss his attack.

"Whoever survives this shall be Cassia's protector!" Zamar called out. The horse launched forward again and Leo watched as his teeth sunk. The pain was immediate and the Donestre felt the horse shaking him by his arm. Leo opened his mouth to expose his fangs and bite into the horse's neck. Zamar quickly rotated away, releasing his hold.

"A horse cannot win against a Donestre. Give up now, I have fangs, agility, and magic on my side," Leo tried to sound cocky. The truth was the horse's speed was something he hadn't expected. He didn't have time to recover from what happened as Zamar leapt forward.

"You weren't agile enough to miss my teeth," the horse taunted. Leo snarled at the comment, his upper lip curling. His arm was throbbing with pain and he felt blood trickling down his forearm. Zamar moved like a snake with his long neck as he struck at the Donestre. Leo dodged the horse's attempts and jumped into the air as Zamar charged at him. He landed on all fours on the horse's back. Leo dug his claws into Zamar's flesh and heard him squeal in pain. The Donestre bit into the stallion's shoulder and at the same moment blunt teeth met his thigh. Sinking his teeth in deeper Leo tried to stay on as Zamar tried to rip him off. The stallion ran into a tree in an attempt to crush Leo's other leg. He screamed out in pain from the impact and Zamar took advantage of the situation. The stallion swiftly tossed him off of his back as if he was a rag doll.

As soon as he hit the ground the Donestre felt hooves stomping on his body. He blindly bit into the nearest leg and felt the assault stop for a moment. Rolling over and onto his feet as quickly as he could Leo scanned for his opponent. He could see blood dripping from the horse's mane and a large wound on Zamar's leg from his last attack.

"I don't want to kill you, it'll upset Cassia," Leo tried to communicate. Seeming to refuse to listen the stallion burst forward with his jaws open. Staring into Zamar's eyes he attempted to stop the horse with his magic. It was no use though as there was only a slight hitch in his movements. Leo braced himself as the horse bit into his neck and he dug his claws into him. The Donestre tried not to yell as he was held captive and he gripped Zamar's neck.

"Stop it!" a female voice screamed. They both loosened their grips on each other at the sound of her voice. Leo had never heard Cassia sound so angry and he backed away from the horse. Her eyes glowed red in the darkness and it looked like even her flowing hair was alive.

"How dare you sneak off to try to kill each other while I'm sleeping! I expect much more out of both of you, but especially you, Leonardo," Cassia spat out his name. Leo cringed as she said the full name that she had given him. His ears flattened back as he hung his head with his mask flickering. The Donestre guessed that the human appearance he was trying to show was gone. He stared at the Maji leader in his true form as he attempted to regain his mask.

"Please, Cassia, let me explain..." Leo began. Cassia interrupted him as she stared at him with eyes that still glowed. Strands of her hair seemed to be aflame as well as she glared at them.

"No, I do not want to hear another word from you. My magic will take control of me soon. Don't follow me, I need to be alone," Cassia turned to leave. The Maji leader stormed away as she left burning footprints in her wake. Leo had never seen Cassia fully lose control of her magic and he stopped himself from chasing after her. Glancing at Zamar out of the corner of his eye he could see the horse didn't know quite what to do either. Leo fell to his knees as he ran his fingers over his neck. There were indent marks where the horse's teeth were and one was directly on his pulse point.

I thought I'd win. I believed he was just being overconfident, but he is much different than other horses, Leo thought to himself. He tried his best to block his mind from Zamar's and to sever their connection. Resisting the urge to see Cassia he assessed his body for damage. His breathing came in fast gasps as a sharp pain ripped through his leg. Leo winced as he eased himself up. Looking down at the blood on the ground, his blood and Zamar's, he turned his gaze to the embers of Cassia's footsteps.

The Donestre knew that he should know better, yet, he painfully limped forward.

Mysty

oooh what?? I hope there is more to this story? Dang what a cut off point.. This is excellent Sarah ..... Love it! Keep writing it please?

Mysty

butchiesmom

There's several things, right off the top of my head. Why didn't the Donestre, Leo, know that horses and his kind were enemies? Why didn't Leo address the horse by his proper name? Is there story before this or is this a 'first' chapter?

This reads a bit rough at times, but then a rough draft usually does. It's the final draft which should be polished more. Having said that, I thought the story was fantastically detailed.

Since there's a thunderstorm bearing down on my location, I need to get offline, but there's a few places I wanted to point out and can't for now. Also, I've been cross stitching for hours and really can't read the notes I made yesterday, lol.

I will say I loved this story and wanted more detail (a damned good sign) and have a few notes I will place here later.

hugs,
Gail

SarahNSH

Thank you Mysty and Gail for your reviews! Mysty, I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this and I'm already thinking where I can go from this point. I definitely want to write more with this Novel and have been hit with a lot of ideas for it, so maybe I can get another chapter of it up soon. It may not be the one that immediately follows this and I may bounce around a bit because I have all these scenes but yet they don't exactly follow in order sometimes. (Like this one, this one comes about... I'd say middle or so in the story). I'll try to keep on writing in it and adding more to this too, thanks so much for reviewing it!

Well, this part right here is definitely not the first chapter of the story. I do have the idea for the first chapter that would hopefully be a good foundation to start with and explain things from the beginning. Now, unfortunately for Leo he doesn't know much about his kind so lots of his information comes from others as to what he is and the stories told about Donestres. He's also asking if they are enemies because Zamar was recently joined with Cassia to be his horse (which is a big thing in the Maji society, and why Leo is trying to annoy Zamar as well with not calling him by his name, he's jealous and feels like he should be enough to protect Cassia).

There's definitely a lot more story behind this one but unfortunately I just couldn't start with the first chapter the way I wanted to and usually do. I normally always start 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, chapter, ect. with my Novels but with this one I just started in the middle of the story because I was really playing out the battle scene between Zamar and Leo and how it'd look and ended with making this chapter.

Anywho, I've been feeling really inspired to write this so I hope to maybe get myself at the beginning of the story or at least follow on with what happens after this. I'd definitely love and appreciate any suggestions you have to tighten up the story and to improve it. I'm great with reviewing other people's work but with my own I just can't seem to find things as easily. Also, I'm more sensitive having my Novels/short stories critiqued than my poetry (I just think I'm much more confedient in my poetry overall than anything else) but I love writing Novels so I want to improve them and make them the best they can be.

Well, I've blabbed enough, lol. Thanks so much again for reading this chapter of mine!

crazymamma5

I want more!!!! That was a very exciting read. I have five kids that were walking pass me and I was so tuned in on reading your story that I just didn't notice them. That means it was great,lol. I would love to read more....maybe more of the beginning to help explain the back ground of this chapter. And that was one heck of a way to end this chapter...wants me waiting for more! Post more PLEASE!!!!! LOL

butchiesmom

No need to be uncertain about your novel writing because, judging by the comments above you're doing a great job, lol. Keep it up, Sarah! Sensitivity is not unusual by the way. I have a certain sensitivity myself but can usually get over it after inventing a string of naughty words and crying and calling the reviewer names and settling down, only partly kidding, lol.

Anyway, the thing I've learned about any review I've received is there's almost always something which I can use, so I print out the ones I don't like and some I do (usually detailed), and look at them later with the piece reviewed. I'm sure you do the same. It does help, lol, so you're not alone in sensitivity, lol.

hugs,
Gail

SarahNSH

Well, I'm glad I'm not alone with being sensitive, that makes me feel better, especially since I can handle critiques really, really well with my poems but especially when it comes to my Novels it's just harder for me. Lol, I'd love to know all the times you cursed at me and names you came up with me! Kidding, of course, but I do the exact same thing myself when I feel like someone's being unfair with a review and just plain a big meanie.

Also, if you want to go more in-depth and point out the irregular points I'll go over with your suggestions and fix up and tune-up my chapter. I know that you said that some places read a little rougher and I really do love your suggestions and find that they're extremely helpful. (Like with the suggestions you made for "Poetic Peep Show" tightened it up just perfectly!)

Anywho, I'm already working on what I have in mind for the first chapter of this story. Then, we'll see where I can hope around with this, lol.