butchiesmom

This is the skeleton for a scene where Mara goes to the Council of Asailia, hoping to get Eilia selected as a Chosen thus out of her life. It really needs work, but I was wondering what people think of this woman after this. She's become my favorite character, not because she's so cruel, but because she's consistent at it, lol, and she's become larger than life, lol.

Mara Goes to the Council

“Midwife Mara, how can we help you?” The head of the Council spoke with a kindly voice which hid an exasperated thought, what does she want now?

“Master Councilman, I wish to nominate a person for the Chosen ritual.”

“Speak, Midwife Mara, who are you nominating and why are you nominating this person.”

Mara hesitated, “I didn’t know you had to have a reason to nominate someone! I have a name but I’m not sure of a reason.”

The councilman kept his amusement to himself. It would be interesting to see who ticked her off enough for her to nominate them for this ‘honor’. The rest of the council knew one didn’t need a reason to nominate someone simply because it wasn’t how a person was chosen. “Please continue, Midwife Mara, we have much to discuss which has nothing to do with you.”

Mara had been feeling important with the head councilman addressing her by her proper title until his last sentence. She felt the sting of the slight but continued, “I wish to nominate Eilia for the Chosen ritual.

“Your daughter?” She had the attention of the Council, “You wish to nominate a ten-year-old for the Chosen?” He knew the rest of the council would want the answer to this one, “Why?”

“Yes, I do. The child is lazy, rude and always in trouble.”

“Why do you think that makes her qualified to be a Chosen?”

“Uh, I thought that was why a Chosen was picked!”

“You have chosen, once again, to overstep your position, Midwife Mara! We have heard your nomination and will consider it.” The exasperation he felt was obvious, “Midwife Mara, we have much to discuss. Would you respect our privacy?”

“Privacy?”

“Please leave us alone, Midwife Mara.”

“Oh, yes, I’ll go now!” Mara left the room certain her nomination of Eilia would rid her of her biggest headache.

“She constantly oversteps her position. It seems she knows where I’m going to be at all times because she’s constantly at my side. What of her nomination?”

The head councilman, Eom, looked to his best friend, Yrral and younger brother, Ylurc. It had been too many generations since they had formed the council to hide the secret place from the Siikers. Their protection had eventually extended to the inhabitants of Asailia and their problems.

“Eilia is a quiet child. Village rumor has it the child is beaten more than is necessary for punishment. I would pick her just to get her away from that siiker but she’s too young. If it weren’t for Mara’s skills as a midwife I’d select her.”

“What about the woman who apprenticed with Mara?” his best friend asked.

“She lives too far away to get her here in time. We can’t risk being without a midwife for that long.” The frustration in the head councilman brother’s voice was unmistakable.

His best friend looked to the head councilman’s younger brother.

“What say you? We must pick someone soon.”

The younger brother spoke, “I have two thoughts, one of which is a question. My first thought is Midwife Mara has two daughters, one of which is 16. She’s old enough to be a candidate. From what I understand she uses the switch on Ainie just as much as she does on Eilia.”

“But is being captured by a Siiker any better for her?”

The head councilman and his best friend both nodded their heads having heard the same rumors.

“We must pick someone soon. I’ve been hearing a Siiker coming for days now. It will be here soon. Someone has been using the Craft but the energy draw is slight. It will come to investigate soon.”

“Do you know who is using the Craft? We could nominate that person instead.”

“Not yet, but I will soon.”

“Then Ainie will be the Chosen candidate for now?” the younger brother looked to the other council members for confirmation.

“Agreed. Let’s see how Midwife Mara feels about that!”

“Now that the Chosen is selected, what was your question, little brother?”

“How did Mara know a Chosen was about to be selected? I thought that was only between us. How did she find out?”

“Good question, little brother! We must get an answer to the question.”

“Now, as to other matters…”

SarahNSH

Alright, as you know Mara has forced her way into the spot of being my favorite character in this and she is definitely strong overall with her voice and how she just seems to shake her fist at the reader as you're reading it, which I love. Anywho, I hope this review is helpful for you and I'm going to point out the things that could be improved, the parts I enjoyed, and what I overall thought of it. So, here we go!

“Midwife Mara, how can we help you?” The head of the Council spoke with a kindly voice which hid an exasperated thought, what does she want now?-

I'm gonna play around with the above start of the story, if you don't mind. It kind of reads a bit long and also I thought that the exasperated thought was Mara's, since it's from her POV, but then realized it was the head of the Council and she had that sort of tone to her voice beneath the kindness. So, here's a suggestion for ya:

“Midwife Mara, how can we help you?” The head of the Council spoke in a kindly voice with an underlying exasperatation in her voice.

“Please continue, Midwife Mara, we have much to discuss which has nothing to do with you.”
-

Oh, wow, sting with the above bolded part. Actually, it's kind of rude of the guy and if I was Mara I'd just be bristling with anger! I do have a suggestion for it, if you don't mind: which does not concern you. Maybe? Or: we have much to discuss and matters to attend to. Doesn't quite sound as smooth, but, these are just suggestions and completely up to you.

I like how you say that she was feeling important with the next part but felt the sting of his comment, because he definitely let her have it with the last bit of his dialogue. I'd be stinging too, and it adds an extra element of tension with his words and her reaction that I like.

He knew the rest of the council would want the answer to this one, “Why?”
-

Ohhh, I really, really like how you word this. Because not only is the Council thinking this question but I was thinking the same thing reading it and I just thought it was well-worded and liked how you stated this to the reader. And, you kept it short too, right to the point, adding an extra punch to it.

“Do you know who is using the Craft? We could nominate that person instead.”
-

Lol, I like this, it shows their desperation to just pick someone, anyone for it, and I like how you convey this through this bit of dialogue to the reader that desperation.

One thing I'd like to point out is that sometimes the dialogue would get confusing with who was talking at the end of it with the people in the Council and I didn't quite know them well enough to recognize their voices/dialogue, like I easily do with Mara every time. So, that sometimes caused a bit of confusion with reading through it and not knowing who was doing the talking but I thought your dialogue progressed things nicely and you did a good job with it.

Overall, I think this is a good scene you have going on here and as I read more of your scenes and chapters with your novel, the more my curiousty grows and I really want to know more. Which is definitely a great thing! I hope this review is helpful to you and keep on writing away, Gail!

butchiesmom

Thanks, Sarah, that's the problem with skeleton scenes. I tried to get the dialogue with this one since I figured I could get the rest later because it really sets up what goes on in the next scene. I like your suggestions and plan to use them.

Thanks,
Gail

erikestabrook

Gail this was easy to read and very fun to read,

butchiesmom

Thanks Erik! I've been working on it some this morning and adding to the flavor of it. I'll be posting the changes in a few. I'm so glad you still feel good enough about my book to keep up with what I post.

hugs,
Gail