Future_Queen

*this is one part of three. I will be posting the others (The Father, The Son) soon. Please leave honest feedback.

I stand over you now and wonder wear I went wrong. Did I shelter you too much? Did I deny you when you called on me? Did I neglect you? What have I done to make you turn so drastically?

I can still remember when you were a little boy. I used to take you to the park every Saturday and watch you run. You could have stayed out there all day and all night. Unfortunately we couldn't stay. I'd have to drag you kicking and screaming all the way back to the car. When you'd calmed down we'd go for ice cream. You always had a double scoop of chocolate in one of those big waffle cones. Once you were in such a hurry to eat it that you got it all over your nose and cheeks. I laughed as I cleaned off your face with a napkin. What ever happened to that little boy? It all seems like that was only yesterday. I guess it all just went to fast for me. Next thing I know your "too old" to go and play at the park. "To old" to sit and eat ice cream with your mother. It seems like all at once you just wrote me off. Everyone told me that it was just normal teenage behavior, so I let it go. Deep in my heart I knew something was wrong. What kind of mother does that? What kind of mother ignores her intuitions? I regret that I listened to everyone else but myself.

When your father came back into the picture it seemed to just push you away more. You blamed me for pushing him away for so long and resented him for staying away. You were 15. Things just got worse from there. The outburst. You became violent. We went from being the best of friends to strangers who live in the same house. You lashed out at me. Then you left stayed away for 3 days. We had called the cops within the first few hours. They came ask many stupid questions and then went out to "look" for you. I hated the cops in our neighborhood. I knew that they didn't care. They never cared about a poor family on the wrong side of town. They didn't care that things were finally starting to get better. All they saw was a middle aged black woman struggling to make ends meat that took back her junkie baby’s daddy. (They neglected to see that he had turned his life around and had been straight for over a year now) They saw a troubled child that was screwed from birth. So all they did, they came out took the information and let it go. So, without the help of the cops, you show back up at our doorstep in 3 days. No explanation of wear you had been. You just went to your room shut the door and took a shower. I was just relieved you were home. I had no clue how to stop your destructive behavior. You had shut me out of your life so completely that I didn't even know who your friends were anymore. All I could do then was sit and cry.

Things just got worse. You'd leave. Then come back. No calls. No warning. You would just get up and go. Nothing I said or did ever stopped you. Your 17th birthday. You dropped in. We argued like always. "I never should have come to you for help. I knew you wouldn't understand," you said at the end of the argument. Then you just stormed out. I should have stopped you. I should have forced you to stay. To tell me what was wrong, but I just let you walk out of the door, again.

Now I stand here over you. Looking down at you like I used to do when you were asleep. The casket closes. They begin to lower you into the ground. My body shakes with years of regret; the tears over take me. I reach for you one last time. Because I know this is the closest I will ever be to you until death. Guns........Gangs.........& Drugs have taken you from me. It's all my fault. With that realization I collapse.

Copyright © Alisha Sparks

MsJacquiiC

Hi ALISHA - Very very good write! I thoroughly enjoyed this one. Makes me think of "The Plight of Motherhood"

Yes - it's a gift to belong to the "group" - But it's not easy work. It's difficult raising a young boy to become a self-sufficient MAN in this world of ours. I think you captured that essense beautifully.

Honest truth seems to be the motif of your story. You definitely accomplished that.

Very nice - Thanx for sharing.
I look forward to the 2nd and 3rd parts!

Jacquii.

PaintedDiary

Alisha,
I enjoyed this write very much. So many can identify with this lifesyle, this pain, this war on drugs & gangs, this fight for freedom_from it. I loved how you spelled out the message, also the signs (behavior) one should be on the look out for. Very heartfelt to the very end. I also would like to see your story expand, tell of the journey through triumphs and achievements. We need to write and read more stories like this. Great Job!

Much Luv'...~*Painted Diary*~ aka Kimberly

Future_Queen

Thank you all very much for your feedback. I'm always looking for ways to improve so if you have any ideas please hit me up.