Holly

Chapter One Continued

"And, uh, Lexy was with me" Zack blurts randomly.

He's talking to the secretary.

"Last name, please,” she says.

"What?" I ask.

"Your last name. I need to write your pass," she provides, rather rudely.

"Oh, um, Nickels."

"Here you go."

She hands Zack a pass to class. I get one as well.

As soon as we walk out, I smile.

"What did you say to her?"

"I'll let you wonder about that."

"Please tell me!"

"Nope," he laughs.

Zack's done it again. I've gone from totally upset to pretty much normal.

We go different ways to get to our different classes. My mind is completely blank until I reach my destination. I open the door self -consciously; hoping not to make a big scene. A black woman with plenty of weight on her is standing in the front of the room, rather than my skinny, white teacher, Miss April. She's a sub. I hate subs. I slip into the room and approach the substitute teacher. I can feel everyone's eyes burning into me.

"Um..."

I glance at her name tag. It says Mrs. Vivian Ann.

“Mrs. Ann?"

"Late?" she smirks at me.

"Yes, ma'am."

Mrs. Ann snatches the pass from my left hand. I slide my hands in my pockets, hiding my stupidity from Mrs. Ann. I rush to my seat, next to Constance.

"Man, you took forever, Lexy!"

"There were a million people in the office," I lie.

"What ever you say," Connie rolls her eyes.

"What are we supposed to be doing?"

"Mrs. Ann just came a couple minutes ago. We were left with no teacher for a while. She came on real short notice. So she said we could - "

"Miss Nickels, I have given the class free study time today, so work on something productive," Vivian yells across the room.

"What she said. So we don't have writing class today!"

"This sucks. I love writing class!" I sigh.

Stupid substitute. Who does she think she is, giving us free time instead of teaching us, which is her job? I mean, she shouldn't even be paid if we're not learning anything!

Well, you could write in you stupid book thingy in place of writing class. I get out my poetry book and start writing.

“Suffer the knife
Suffer the blade
Your human life
Just brings you pain

Selfish those people
Each one of their souls
Strong and yet feeble
Rest may their souls

Killing themselves
Just proves them weak
Skulls smashed on shelves
Says that person's meek

Suffer the knife
Suffer the blade
Your human life
Just brings you pain"

My paper is wet. My cheeks are wet. Oh, shit. Why am I crying?

"Lexy, come up here, please, " Mrs. Ann orders.

Great. Now the sub thinks I'm crazy. My hands, crying, coming in late...

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Why are you crying, then?"

“I'm not sure."

And I'm not sure. I simply am. I keep crying and... I am so clueless. I don't even have that much to be depressed about. There are millions of people that've been dealt a worse hand of cards than me. But why, then, am I the one that's losing the game?

"Why don't you go see the counselor?"

Mrs. Ann writes my name on a piece of paper. I can't read what else she's writing. Water is blurring my vision. I'm crying more! You're such a loser, Lexy! That's all you'll ever be. Zack was only pitying you. He'll never love you like you love him.

She hands me the little pink square with blue scribbles attached to it. I walk out of the room. I know all of those bastards are making fun of me. They have to be. I should turn around and march right back in there. They can't talk bad about me when I'm in there. But, then again, Connie's probably helpin' me out. She's probably scolding and shushing them right now. Connie's such a good friend!

I wait in a chair in the office. The secretary calls me to her desk.

"What do you need?'

I basically ignore her question and drop the note on the table. She briefly scans it and points to a door that says "Counselor : Adel Daisy". I proceed to the giant wooden rectangle and turn the knob.

"Come in!" Mrs. Daisy insists.

I sit on a hard, plastic chair.

"Hi," I scarcely whisper.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure. I think that's why I'm here."

"I see. Well, I'll start figuring out your problem by asking you some questions."

"O-okay," I stutter.

"How are you grades?"

"All A's except for Social Studies and Science."

"What do you have in those classes?"

I don't like this. I don't like her. I'm giving her too much information. But I really want to know what's wrong with me. I guess I should just play along.

"F in Social Studies, F+ in Science."

"Why do you suppose that is?"

"Because the teachers in there hate me."

I mean, they're always givin' me these bad vibes. All the other teachers love me! I'm their best student! But the Social Studies and Science teachers just absolutely hate me!

"That's quite important to know."

"Why?"

"Do you have any siblings?"

"Yeah."

This woman is creppin' me out. I think she has issues herself. This counselor need a counselor!

"What do you believe they think about you?"

"Well, as far as I figure, they despise me. They only want to make me miserable."

"Tell me about your mother, Lexy."

No! Never! Stop asking me questions! My eyes are wet again. I reach for and dry them.

"What happened to your hands?"

Concern is obvious in her eyes. What am I supposed to say? I cut my self. You'll sound ridiculous!

"I.. last night.."

I'm crying uncontrollably. Why is this so hard to say?

"Did one of your parents do that to you? Are you abused, Lexy?"

"No! My Mom would never ever hurt me!"

I hope she wouldn't. I mean, she's only ever hurt me for disciplinary matters. How dare this fucking counselor accuse her of abusing me!

"What about your Father? What is he like?

"He left."

"Explain what that means to me."

"No! I don't want to!"

You're acting like a child! A little fucking whiney baby! What is wrong with you?

"Please talk to me, Lexy."

She can help you understand, Lexy. If you talk to her, she can figure you out, and tell you what you need to do to be normal. Normal. What does that mean, anyway?

"My dad left a couple of months ago. My Mom and Dad were always arguing. Constantly arguing. And he hit her when they fought. And it hurt. It hurt so bad that I couldn't do anything about it. All I could do was watch. And Ash and V felt the same way."

"Who's Ash and V?"

"Ashitaka and Violet. My brother and sister."

"Go on. I apologize for interrupting."

God, why are you telling her all this? She doesn't actually care. She's only talking to you for the money she's making! Stupid Mrs. Daisy. She doesn't think you know. But you know, all right. Yes, you know.

"And one day he left. He left the fight, Mom, Ash, Violet, and I. A couple months ago."

"How did he treat you, Violet, and Ash?"

"He was always yelling and cursing and sh-"

You can't cuss in front of her! What are you thinkin'?

"Crap."

Mrs. Daisy nods. She looks like she already knows what's wrong with me.

"Do you know what's wrong with me?"

She laughs.

"I have a couple of theories. I must ask more questions to confirm it."

"Shoot."

"Has your Mom or Dad ever tucked you in at night?"

"Um.... not that I remember."

"Do you tell them that you love them?"

"Sometimes."

"Do you love them?"

What is this woman's deal? She's asked kids these questions before. It's routine. I'm no different than the last kid or the next one. She asks the same things to everyone. But it works, Lexy. That's why she's a counselor.

"Not my Dad. I will never love him. Never have."

Who could love someone who abuses someone you love?

"Have you dated anyone at any point?"

"No."

"Do you have an infatuation with anyone?"

"Kind of."

"What does ‘kind of' mean?"

"I love him."

“And do you think this boy loves you?"

"No way in h-"

Lexy, no cursing! I already told you!

"No way, " I correct.

"On a a scale of zero to ten, how would you rate yourself?"

What the fuck? She just went from lovey - dovey crap to talking about myself.

"Negative 100."

"Are you going to tell me, Lexy, what happened to you hands?"

"I cut myself. I was mad and upset. I don't know why I did it. But I did."

"Well, I think I may possibly have a hunch on what's wrong with you."

"And?"

"I feel that you are definitely self - inflicted. And I think you have a significant lack and need of love."

I'm speechless. She's right! It makes perfect sense. But what am I supposed to do about it?

"What should I do?"

"Honestly, I'm not exactly sure. You should try to be positive with yourself, I suppose. When you do something utterly awful, remember something good you've done. And, well, I'm no expert with love. I can't help you too much with that."

"Okay."

"Is there anything else you need to talk about?”

"Not really."

Of course, that's a total lie, but I have to get out of here. I've been tortured in here for an hour. I need to get to Science class.

"Here you go."

Mrs. Daisy hands me a piece of paper. It's a pass.
Continued in another thread

PaintedDiary

The story is very structure-friendly. Is there a reason why you wrote the (ethnicity, in particular), and body type of the sub, Mrs. Vivian Ann, and your regular teacher, Miss April? Later, you referred to the sub, as Vivian as well. Would have liked to see you continue to address her as Mrs. Ann in the story, in my personal opinion. Again, spelling errors, and such, can be corrected. Very emotional. Again, as a teacher of this age group, I am reading very real material here.

Painted Diary aka Kimberly

Holly

..Is being structure-friendly a bad thing? There's not a reason I listed those certain details about the teachers. It's mainly just because of the way the story is written. Lexy's thoughts are written down, and I supposed I should insert little things that she would think.