Holly

Chapter Three :
Broken

My sleeping is over. I glance at my clock. Five in the morning. There's no way that's possible! You slept for fourteen hours? Now you're going to be wide awake for two days straight!

Oh well. Today's the last day of school. We probably won't do anything except reflect on the year and do other shit like that.

I have an hour to do what I want. Or I could get ready early. Yeah, I'll go take a shower. I bear it for as long as I can. Until I'm weeping my head off. I step out of the tub and pull on my clothes. I'm donned in my jeans again, with a blackish - gray T - Shirt. You should do something with that hair. I get a hold of a pair of scissors.

Snip, snip, snip! My hair is now a little above my shoulders, instead of a bit below my breasts. Why did you do that? You know looks aren't going to make Zachary love you. He won't love you ever, Lexy. No one will. I'm a single grain of sand on the shore that is mankind. A grain of sand that's been washed away by the ocean.

What the hell is wrong with me that no one will love me? Because, Lexy, you're a freak! You're stupid and crazy and a big baby! Nobody likes a teacher's pet, and nobody wants a bitch!

I press the blades of the scissors into my left hand and move them up along my arm 'till I get to my shoulders.

Nobody needs you! And you don't need anybody, either!

Pain sweeps over and overwhelms me. I turn my attention to my right hand. I dig as far down as possible into it.

Why are you even still fucking living? You're only a gigantic burden to everyone! Especially Zack. Ow! Shit, shit, shit! Die! Just die already!

"Stop it!"

I let go of the scissors and sink to my knees. I'm crying so much I think I might drown in it. My eyes, cheeks and ears are as red as the blood on my arms. It hurts. God, it hurts!

Jehovah, please help me. I don't want to be like this.

I stand, reach for the sink, and wash my arms off. Maybe I should go put on a long sleeve shirt. You can't, Lexy! None of them fit you anymore.

I race to my room and write. I finish the poem I ripped up yesterday.

“How can souls not love You?
How can souls not love Your name?
Why don't hearts leap a foot or two
When they read about Your grace?

Jehovah, You are wonderful
Jehovah, You are good
To You I will give up my soul
As all Your children should

You are my God
You are my King
I love You a lot
More than anything

But Your love is stronger,
Your love is deeper,
Your love lasts longer,
And your love is steeper
Than everything

You sent Your son
To show Your love for everyone
And Jesus didn't run
To show His love for everyone

Jehovah, You are loving
Jehovah, you are great
Oh, help me to be touching
And help me to be straight

You're my father
You are my friend
I will not ever love another
My love for You will never end

But Your love is stronger,
Your love is deeper,
Your love lasts longer,
And Your love is steeper
Than everything

I love You, Jehovah
I love You, my God
I love You, Jehovah
I love You, my God

But Your love is stronger,
Your love is deeper,
Your love lasts longer,
And Your love is steeper
Than everything

I love you, Jehovah
I love You, my God
I love You, Jehovah
I love You, my God

You are my God
You are my King
You're my father
You are my friend

And I'll love You forever
With all my might
My love will end never
And I'll hold onto You tight

But Your love is stronger,
Your love is deeper,
Your love lasts longer,
And Your love is steeper
Than everything
Than everything
Than everything
Than everything"

I suffer holding my toothbrush. Then I walk out the door. I've been writing longer than I thought. I sit next to Zack on the bus.

"Lexy, I told you not to do that to yourself."

"Why do you care?"

Before he can reply, Connie enters the bus.

"Hey, gu-"

She pauses in the middle of her sentence and sits next to me. I'm between both my best friends. Connie is to my left. Zack is to my right.

"Lexy..."

"You know what, Constance? Leave me alone!"

I place my head against the window, cross my arms, and, of course, cry. The seemingly epic endeavor to arrive at school is accomplished at last. I'm quick to evacuate the bus.

Miss April's here today. That's a good thing. Class begins shortly.

"Okay, everybody. Settle down. Now, today you are not going to change classes. You're staying with me today. Why? Because it's the date we've all been waiting for. And the last day of school. Today is the sixth day of June 2006."

The students clap, hoot, and cheer. For the next three hours, I write and write and write. Everyone else seems to be having a good time and just talking. Partying. Why can't you, Lexy?

“What is writing?
A way of expressing
A way of healing
A kind of resting
And showing of feeling
Writing is crying
And laughing and playing
Writing is fun, simply saying
And writing is thrilling
It's relaxing and chilling
That is writing!”

What's the point of coming to school today? We're not doing anything! I mean, we may as well have a choice to attend school on the last day or not!

“Death is coming
Death is near
Death is coming
Death is here

Why we run and why we hide
Why when it comes we stay to the side
Why? Because we're cowards
Why? Because we're scared
We fear Death with all our might
Both in the day and the night

But we ought to stare it in the eyes
And tell it we don't fear
We ought to let Death do it's thing
And kill us; then and there"

A bell. It's lunch time. I walk past the Boys' Bathroom. I hear Zack.

"Just tell her, Zack," someone pushes.

"No! I'm not going to tell her I'm in love with Constance! Don't you think she's fucked up enough already?"

He loves Connie? I knew he didn't love me, but he loves her? He's coming out of the restroom. I hide behind a drinking fountain. Constance embraces Zack. So they're going to forget about you now? Are you going to let them do that to you?

Hell no!

I scurry to their side. They instantly detach from each other.

"Hey, guys."

"Lexy," Constance starts, "we need to talk."

"The three of us," Zack adds.

"No. We don't need to."

I skip lunch. Who needs to eat? It's not like I even like anything in that disgusting paper bag.

How are you going to deal with this? Write again? Yes. Yes, I am. I'm going to write.

“Who is my storm?
My sun?
My rainbow?

Zack is my storm
On me he thunders
On me he pours

Zack is my storm
It's me he hurts
It's me he's torn

Zack is my sun
He brings me joy
He brings me fun

Zack is my sun
Right now he's not
His light is none

Zack is my rainbow
He colors my life
With care I don't know

Zack is my rainbow
He’s unreachable
But I love him so!

It is Zack who I love
And it is Zack who is
My storm, my sun, and my rainbow"

The next thing I know, I'm on the bleachers of the gym at an Awards Assembly. Awards are given to the most improved of each subject, for people with all A's all quarters, and perfect attendance. I receive perfect attendance. I do every year.

"And our last set of Awards are our Highest Achiever Awards. The best student of each class gets a certificate for that subject."

People clap.

“For Science we have Kelsey Washington," our principal continues.

People applaud again. Mr. Bruce speaks into the microphone.

"I chose Kelsey for the Science Highest Achiever Award because she always has a good attitude and is always respectful. Kelsey aids other students when they are having trouble, and she has the highest grades as well."

Hollers and stomping. Such noise. It hurts my ears.

"Our Keyboarding Highest Achiever Award goes to Lillian Baker."

I can't take the noise. Mr. Kazack gives his speech.

"What can I say? Lilly is the fastest typer! She's a better typer than me!"

"Oh, can we please hold our applause until all the Highest Achievers are standing up here? Thank you.”

Yes, thank you!

"The recipient of both the Social Studies and Reading Awards is Zachary Edmundson."

Zack.

Mrs. May speaks first.

"Zack is just a wonderful student. He pays attention and follows directions. He's... he just deserves this award!"

And he's handsome, smart, nice, funny, and I love him, I love him, I love him.

"...she said," Mr. James finishes.

"Lastly, we have the Math and English Highest Achiever, Lexy Nickels."

Wow. Really? You, Lexy? I make my way to the line of Highest Achievers. God, too many people. They're all staring at me. Waiting for me to screw up. No. They're not. They're looking at your hands and arms. Wondering how you could get these awards.

"...just an absolutely amazing, creative, and excellent author."

I should be paying attention. Mr. Brown is walking to the microphone, and I totally missed Mss April.

"There's not much to say here about Lexy. I give her a hard problem and she solves it with ease. Her speed is equal to everyone else’s squared. Lexy's a problem solver, a mathematician, and my star student."

When my awards are given to me I'm crying. I hug Miss April and Mr. Brown.

"Thank you."