Holly

Chapter Three continued
Now we're preparing to leave. School's out early. I ignore Connie and Zack on the bus and plan to avoid them during the summer. And soon I'm home. Home, home, home.

Chapter Four :
Stupid

I'm miserable all summer long. Zack doesn't love me. He loves Constance. And he thinks I'm fucked up.

The whole season feels wrong. But some good stuff is in it as well. My sister's not sick anymore. And I haven't cut myself once! Mom doesn't have cancer. She was paranoid. She all of a sudden didn't feel a lump one day. Maybe she wasn't paranoid. What if it was a miracle?

I miss Zack and Connie. I haven't seen them for eternity. But what is eternity? Eternity isn't forever. Forever doesn't sound as powerful as eternity. But only a little less powerful. Forever and a day. That's eternity.

The time is eight thirty at night. Tomorrow is the end of vacation. School is back again. I tie my shoes and head for the door.

"Where are you going?" Mom asks.

"Walking."

"Where?"

"Don't know."

Silence. I detest the silence. Tell her you love her. Who knows? You could die or be kidnapped tonight. Or something could happen to her.

"I love you," I expel.

"Don't stay out too late."

She ignored me again! Why won't she tell me she loves me? Or at least say something in response!

"You know, I said I love you."

"I heard you."

Then at least acknowledge it! You're crying Lexy. Don't let her beat you. Quit crying! She looks at me.

"I love you, too. There. I said it. Happy?"

No! I bolt away into the darkness of the evening. You didn't mean it, Mom. I'm not happy. And you see that. Or are you blind? Do you view only a child so far out in a field that you can't see her features and feelings? You comprehend that I'm out there, and that I'm a kid. And you're scared to investigate, Mom. You won't come closer and inquire of my name. You won't look into my eyes and find my soul and my mind and my heart.

I come across a park, a few blocks from my house. You shouldn't be here. You'll be kidnapped. Killed. But who cares? Everyone will be grateful the moment your death occurs.

The only person here other than me is a boy I've seen at school before. He's mixed and has black hair. And beaming green eyes. He's walking toward me now. I can't place my finger on it, but something's wrong with him. I know he's done something awful before. Many times. What is it?

"Hey, Lexy!"

He knows my name. This isn't right. But what's amiss?

"And you are...?"

"Jeffery. Jeffery Thorton."

"How do you know my na-"

"Shh."

Jeffery takes a hold of me. I remember. Every girlfriend he's ever had... he's slept with. I try to push him away. He won't let me go.

"Have sex with me, Lexy."

Don't. Don't, Lexy. He's not a virgin. You are. Stay one until you're married. For your husband. But you won't marry! No one will ever want you! And sex is supposed to bring pleasure, isn't it? It'll destroy your sorrows. Do it, Lexy. Do it.

The next thing I know, I'm on the ground and my clothes are beside me. My jeans and dark blue top. My socks and worn out tennis shoes. My bra. My underwear.

Jeffery is on top of me. And he's inside of me. It hurts. It's supposed to feel good. But it doesn't. He rocking up and down, slightly bouncing. Tears sprinkle down my face.

"Stop it," I plea.

He continues. God, stop it! It fucking hurts!

"I believe I told you to get off me."

I struggle and squirm to escape his wrath.

Jeffery's apparently amused. I can tell. It's in his eyes and face. Everywhere.

"You're no fun, anyway."

He tosses me like a rag doll to the side and drapes himself in his clothing.

"You agree to have sex with me, and then when it's happening you don't even do anything. You only complain," he goes on.

I finish redressing.

"Was I your first?"

I nod my head in shame. I cry once more. Thorton leaves in the opposite direction I do . I reach my house in no time.

"How was your walk? You were only gone for an hour."

Only? Only an hour? I endured sex for a whole horrid hour?

"It was fine. Cleared my mind."

More like fogged up my mind more than it already was. On my bed I lay, pondering what tomorrow will bring me. Jeffery. He's going to tell every person in that school tomorrow. What a great way to start eighth grade.

Why did I do that? You could be fucking pregnant! Kill yourself after school. See Zack and Connie and the teachers you would have had to get used to. Then leave.

Just imagine, Lexy, having a kid in eighth grade. No daddy. No real mother. No good mother. That child will suffer because of you. Because you had sex with that Jeffery guy.

Stupid. You're so stupid.