Anonymous Encounter

SORRY GUYS I POSTED IN THE WRONG PART OF THE FORUM AGAIN.



The sun cast a shadow across the dead woman’s face as it descended slowly from its alternating perch in the sky. I sat next to her, fingering the tall dark green grass as my black silk nightgown and dark blue hair whipped across my face and body in the harsh wind. The corpse was indifferent to the wind, her white blonde hair lay softly against her pale cheek and her white sundress rested against her slender form. Her light blue eyes were still opened and sheltered by her long blonde lashes. Her lips were reddened with her own blood that leaked from the corner of her mouth where it was tilted toward the ground. The grass around her was still and only I was attacked with natures reprimand. Dirt and pebbles ripped up from the wind flew into my eyes and mouth but I could only stare at my lovely wife.
My eyes watered with tears and I let them fall silently as my shoulders shook with sobs. I had killed her, how I did not know. My fair Rose was cold and without spirit. My Goddess had taken her from me with no explanation except the blood that drained from her silken lips. The woman who’s soul shone brighter than the sun, whose beauty exceeded that of the flower of which she was named. Her chastity and good will was severed with the knife of death leaving her a husk of shadow.
Was it my evil deeds that killed my lover? Was it my sin and devilish thoughts that caused my Goddess to steal the demy-god of flesh, bone, and blood? I had ingested the poisoned liquid and danced in the danger of the night. I had frolicked under a full moon and screamed with anguish over the unchangeable. Was this my punishment? Was this my reward?
I battled against the strengthening wind to crawl beside her corpse. I entered the area undeterred by the wind and peacefully lay next to her hollow remains. I raised my hand to caress her flawless skin and let the tears continue to fall. “I’m sorry my love, I never meant for your life to be taken for my foolish hatred. I shall never forgive myself darling, if only I was blessed with death so I may lay with you and experience your fate.”
The next instant time froze. The wind halted and the particles of earth froze while still in the process of being thrown. I raised my dark green eyes to stair at a being full of such light I could not distinguish specific features. I saw flowing green hair and light green skin. A dress the color of forest tree leaves and eyes so vibrantly brown they engulfed most of Her face. Her feet were bare, and She hovered a few feet off of the earth.
“Do you wish the same fate as your loved one my dear?” My Goddess asked, Her voice the sound of whispering leaves; soft yet audible. A sob escaped my throat as I bent to revere Her, my head touching the ground and the smell of clean earth filling my nostrils.
“My Goddess I do wish to be like my wife. But first may I ask what I have done for you to take her sweet presence from me?” The world was silent, the sun completely set. The light She exuded became brighter and brighter until I shut my eyes and was blinded.
“You have partaken in dark acts Anita; too dark indeed for the purity of one such as Rose. Your darkness was from without and within, and several times we tried to heal you yet you resisted. Your hatred and the blackness of your soul would soon have tainted her and a soul so good should not have been at risk.”
My tears began to fall again as pain started to rip at my chest. I began to tremble with a mixture of self hatred and anger. I clenched my fists and grit my teeth, trying to grind away the pain of my own ruin.
“Why did you not take me then? Why did you steal my Rose?”
The Goddess paused before Her voice of whispers clearly replied. “We chose to condemn your new damned soul and reincarnate her beautiful one into a life that did not taint her. Her soul was old and wise young one, and yours is new and black. You have just awoken from hell and must learn more lessons in more lives, taking her from you are one of those lessons.”
I began to slowly rock, the pain building inside my chest until it ripped from my throat in a scream. The light blinked from existence and the wind once again began to rip at my dark blue hair and black silk nightdress. I raised my head to the sky and continued to scream. The agony of what I had done to the one and only light in my world bled through my scream until I was roaring. I began to violently rip the grass from the ground and the wind caught the upturned earth to whip into my mouth. I squeezed my eyes closed and sobbed and screamed, for I knew redemption was not an option.

ZonaJewel

I feel this has definite promise quite a lot, actually!...300 words just isn't enough! I would want to know more about this character and her relationship to her deities. Let me know if there will be any sequels or expasions! I'd love to read them!
BB
ZJ

Anonymous Encounter

thank you i'm trying to show a few of my stories, i was unsure whether my style would sell so i appreciate the feedback

Rollie Bollocks

Hi there.

You ask in your post if that is "publish worthy." I don't know. I think as a piece of short fiction it's too short for my liking.

What I pictured was a woman standing over the corpse of her dead lover, and then realizing through the agency of the Goddess that she was taken because her soul was too pure to be with the narrator.

So what interests me is why? What did the narrator do to taint her soul? What is the narrator's relationship to the Goddess? Is she a priestess, a warrior, an ambassador?

Also, what will the narrator do to reunite with her lost lover's soul (if anything) - is there a way that she can get her back? Like Orpheus or What Dreams may Come? Is there a quest involved?

How about the two different sorts of souls Old/wise vs. New and tainted? How does the interaction between these sorts of souls play itself out?

These are the sorts of questions I'd ask myself and then I think it would be a matter of adding on. It raises some interesting possibilities though.

rb

Anonymous Encounter

thank you for reading. my short stories are quite short i realise. and i like that it was interesting enough that you had questions. i don't like adding to my stories simply because i view them as sort of mysteries myself. moments in a story written while leaving the rest to imaginative history. i understand where your coming from of course, but i like to keep them as glimpses. i appreciate you answering the question in the begining though, no one else seemed to see it. maybe if i did become published the fact that i view my stories differantly than others do will add some original merit.

butchiesmom

Rollie's right, Thea, there's questions which would be addressed, I believe, if you had continued on or fleshed in what you have now. What I liked about it was the mystery AND that the character was already developing traits, emotions, and was someone to be interested in.

I like the reincarnation (one of my favorite subjects) aspect to it. The black arts, murder and a new soul fresh from hell with lessons to learn was pretty freakin cool.

I did however, see quite a lot which could tighten and improve this little bit of a story. I call it a story because there's a beginning, middle and end to it. It has formatting, grammar and spelling problems but I didn't want to go into that unless you were interested, lol.

hugs,
Gail

Anonymous Encounter

lol yes i know there are spelling problems. i guess i just believe too much in letting the original thought from first creation prevail.
thank you, i believe in reincarnation myself and thought it would be an interesting theme.
i realise that there could be more to it, but my problem is with each story i have a differant mind set,a differant flow of creativity. if i-several months later-tried to go back and create more with a differant flow it wouldn't work and i would ruin the piece. do you see what i mean?
thank you for the read though, i enjoy sharing my stories

butchiesmom

I understand what you mean and am ok with it (listen to me talking as if...lol). I was just discussing format (extra lines between paragraphs) to make it easier for the reader to enjoy this and a few nonessential words here and there.

When I decided to take my dad's work and put them in book form, he sent me all his work. What I didn't realize was that my dad doesn't believe in punctuation (the same man who demanded it of us while we were going to school, lol) and he also didn't believe in letting the reader know where the paragraphs began and ended, also (not in your case, thankfully) he didn't warn the reader (me) where the dialogue was, lol.

What I found out, when I finally finished editing a story he wrote, was that it was a really good one! All I'd added was spaces between paragraphs, punctuation, and a few words here and there for clarification. I don't like to rewrite someone else's work because it ticks me off when someone does it to me, lol.

I liked your story but wanted to make it a little more reader friendly, that's all, lol. BTW, I didn't know you wrote short stories and was pleasantly surprised, lol.

hugs,
Gail

I occurred to me, after I posted this comment, that you might take this as coercion to allow me to make suggestions, lol. Sometimes I forget to take my brain's gears out of neutral each morning, so... Have you ever had one of those days.....?