butchiesmom

Thanks, Dave for reciprocating. I love the fact that you asked questions about the chapter, some of which will be answered to the reader in due time, lol. I should also point out that anything I post here will be a rough draft at best.


Distant sounds of weapons firing gently wafted through the open window behind him. Toma mopped perspiration from his face with a damp tissue, trying to prevent it from dripping onto the paper in front of him.

I've copied the first two sentences to point out two things, lol.

It wasn't bullets firing, it was weapons firing. Perhaps I should point out somewhere, like in an intro to the chapter, that this is a fantasy novel. Most of the people who have kept up with the Eilia novel already know this. Did you read the other version further down in the comments? It has a lot of information which I ruthlessly cropped out, lol.

My punctuation skills suck the big one. The weapons fire didn't waft, it was the sound of weapons firing which wafted through the wind. I had, at one point during the revision, the sound wafting on the wind through the wind but couldn't pull it off but I'm thinking maybe I can. How's this...

Zephyrs, carrying the distant sounds of weapons firing, gently wafted through the open window behind him.

I wanted to depict the normality of a scene, such a gentle wind coming through an open window, with the abnormality of weapons firing in the distance. Perhaps even trying to convey a sense of urgency. The first sentence says, more or less, "Oh crap!" The second sentence says, "Oh crap, but look how beautiful of a day it is, lol." Perhaps a flavor of Stephen King thrown in for a second, lol.

The pov was supposed to be first person. If there is something which confused you for that, I will hunt it down and force it to do as I command. The characters don't have total control....do they? This was revised with a sleep deprived brain and posted for SarahNSH to critique for me with specific thoughts in mind. Whether the revision of the original chapter, which she'd already read, changed the quality of the chapter or totally messed it up, lol. I was trying to tighten and eradicate an info dump.

The third sentence punctuates the first two.
Here's the prophecy which Toma writes: Eilia - Prophecy . It will probably undergo some revision as well, lol. If you go into my profile and look up the threads I've started (there's several pages since I write both poetry and prose) look for that which is posted in Inspiring Novelists. The majority will be Eilia rough drafts.

I'll have to revise again to reflect which ones are that. Siikers are creatures from I'm not sure where yet, which are attracted to energy signatures above that of fire. Toma's society, quite advanced above ours, has both science and a kind of magic existing together. The Craft, is what I called the ability for some to gather energy from the air into their bodies and manipulate it. Also not quite clear on that. The characters have me on a need to know basis.

Siikers have appeared out of nowhere. They shift their victims/prey into different places. Those which don't fight against them, innocents, into the life hereafter, those who fight are taken apart a molecule at a time.

This world will be plunged from high tech to no tech, no electricity, no motors, nada, within a relatively short span of time.

I had considered writing this from the first person perspective but there's quite a few characters here and the person about whom this is written, won't be born for quite a few generations.

I'm glad you read and critiqued this. You've given me quite a few questions to ponder, something which I sincerely appreciate. I should warn you, in advance, I do not write in a linear fashion which means I've already written the ending of this book. Did I mention the possibility of a trilogy? I've also written about 25 more chapters/scenes, none of which were written in sequence. Not all are posted here yet.

Please, take the time to check out all the entries for Eilia here. They're all rough to extremely rough chapters/scenes. I'm honestly interested to see what you think.

hugs,
Gail