butchiesmom

The creatures had finally found his estate.

Zephyrs, carrying the distant sound of weapons fire, gently wafted through the open window behind him. Toma mopped perspiration from his face with a damp tissue, trying to prevent it from dripping onto the paper in front of him. The last news reports Toma had watched, before the power went out, showed the agony on a guard’s face as his body disintegrated slowly before the cameras. A sudden change of scenery punctuated the disappearance of the cameraman as the live feed to the station abruptly ended seconds after the creatures turned their attention to the camera witnessing the scene.

Toma shuddered. He’d had a quick glimpse of the siiker attacking his people before he was pushed into his vehicle and transported home. The few miles from the gate to the main house seemed so much longer than the few minutes it usually took. Toma was still shaken by the sight of his men disappearing, one molecule at a time, in the glow of the siiker’s weapon.

He’d hoped someone would listen to his warning of what was coming but could tell they’d thought he’d lost his mind, especially when he spoke of the Guids. No one wanted to believe the Guids existed. ‘It was only a dream…’ he’d heard more than once as he urged his family, friends and colleagues to prepare for danger he couldn’t describe against creatures no one had heard of.

He finally stopped speaking of it after whispered questions about his mental health reached his ears. Even a reference he’d found in an obscure text to the creatures wasn’t enough for them to believe him. Until people started disappearing.

The price of knowledge comes high. There was a way to stop the siikers, the Guids said, but the person who could to do it hadn’t yet been born. He’d written it down. Everything. The warnings he’d been given, that of those he’d disseminated and the reaction to his warnings. Life, such as it had been only…Has it only been a few months? …would never be as it was until the siikers transferred back to their home.

Only a few more words, a few seconds in time, were all he needed to finish before his turn came. Though those who wielded the Craft were long-lived, the Siikers shortened their lives considerably. He continued to write, cursing the light of the candle vainly attempting to supplement that coming from the window and quelling rising panic with nearing shortened screams.

“Think! Think! I must get this down!”

‘Survivors guard against…’ he lifted pen from paper.

“Guard…guard against whom? I don’t know what they’ll be called by then. Would it be wise to use a name anyway?” He thought about it for a moment.

“How do I put this?” He continued writing and speaking as if someone was in the room with him until he’d written the last word. Only the candle, dimly illuminating his workspace, listened to his spoken thoughts. He folded and placed the missive in a waterproof pouch using the pouch’s drawstrings to close it.

“Guids,” he pled, “Watch over it, keep it safe until the time is nigh…” He turned at the sound of the door opening and gave thanks for those who delayed the inevitable for him as a glow filled the tiny room. His last thought, “Forgive us for what we have wrought…”

SarahNSH

Hello Gail!

Ah, this is exciting! I've heard from you talking in the chatbox and chatting with you that you've been writing a lot of scenes for your Novel so I was looking forward to your posting them. Okay, I read through the first line and I think I may know what your husband might have noticed with it. You got some great action going on right in the beginning, and this is the gun shots firing outside which is a great way to draw the reader in. I do have a suggestion though:

Toma heard the distant sound of weapons firing through the open window of the study when he opened the door. -

What is the problem that I can put my finger on is that the sentence gets wordy and I highlighted where I felt like this could be improved. I have a suggestion to reword the sentence below but I still don't quite like this as much as I know that I could help you with it. That's because it takes away from the start of your sentence by delaying the action, so I'll see if I can suggest something better. But, until I can think of it here is my suggestion for the above sentence:

Opening the door of his study, Toma heard the distant sound of weapons firing through the open window of the study when he opened the door.

The few miles from the gate to the main house, seemed so much longer than the few minutes it usually took.-

I believe with the above sentence the comma is not needed.

His master learned of Toma’s family’s treachery after they hired him because they had led him to believe his creature would only capture the survivors, forcing them to cross into the life hereafter was not part of the original concept.-

Okay, I believe the above sentence is a run-on sentence. So, the best thing to do is to break it up into 2-3 sentences, so here is what I'd suggest:

His master learned of Toma’s family’s treachery after they hired him. They led him to believe his creature would only capture the survivors, forcing them to cross into the life hereafter was not part of the original concept.


‘A few days away from work,’ he’d said ‘a few days to relax in the sun,’ he’d said.-

With the above sentence I'd suggest removing once of the 'he'd said' and a few days and I actually think that I have a suggestion for this sentence that might help. Of course, as you know this is just a suggestion and completely up to you.

‘A few days away from work and to relax in the sun,’ he’d said.

No modern conveniences of any kind, they’d specified.

I'd suggest flipping aound the words with the sentence above. To me it just sounds better but of course this is just my opinion. So, this is my suggestion:

They'd specified no modern conveniences of any kind.

“How do I put this?” He continued to speak as if someone was in the room with him. Only the candle, dimly illuminating his work space, listened to his spoken thoughts.-
I really did like this description and how you say that the candle seemed to be the only one listening to his spoken thoughts.

Silence, except for the sound of a squeaky wheel, greeted him as he listened to what he feared. -
Great description, Gail! I really do like this. Especially with how you're drawing the conclusion of your story and finalizing it I enjoy what you're doing. So, I enjoyed this as well.

His last thought, “Forgive us for what we have wrought…" -

Ah, I enjoyed this and giving the reader a look into his last thoughts. And, this drew a really nice conclusion to your overall story too.

Okay, I know this is a huge review and I hope you don't mind! Now, to get to what you were asking about, is this too much information? I think that the information that you give the reader in this 1st chapter is definitely stuff that the reader needs to know. To tell you the truth I'm kind of stuck between maybe having you stretching a little bit of some of this info out into another chapter and keeping a lot of it. I like how you explain things and give the reader some background on what's going on, why, how, when, ect.

Anywho, I'd like to go back and give this a reread but I've been reviewing your chapter for awhile now and I'm getting sleepy. So, altogether I think that you've done a good job with this chapter and that all of your information that you give the reader is definitely important and relevant. Thanks for sharing and I hope this review was helpful! (And now I'm going to bed, lol).

butchiesmom

I've learned, as long as it's not malicious, any review can be helpful. Even a malicious one will have a grain of truth in it. You are not malicious. I asked for help and that's what I received.

I have a problem with your revision, lol. You really must've been tired when reviewing this, lmao. (Please note bolded parts of your revision, lol.) Reading through it, I think I know what part of the problem is though.

A huge review? I was expecting my entire chapter copied then reviewed that way, lol. BTW, I had done that more than once, lol. Your review was honest. I could tell you were sleepy from a few mistakes you made yourself (go back and read your review, you'll see it). I've reviewed work (on another site) so sleepy I could barely stay in my chair, the results, when I went back to read it was almost hilarious, lol.

The run on sentence was added as a last revision and you're right, it needs work. The other one, again, you're right about that. I'm constantly working on my chapters and have many more new ones than I've posted here, lol. I do very rough drafts then go back and flesh them in, much simpler that way, this is a very rough fleshed in, lol.

I'm glad you like my descriptions. This chapter originally started here, lol.

I'm looking forward to your reviews of the others and your looking over this one again. Your eye for revisions is as good as mine, though it's harder to see them when you write it yourself, lol.

hugs,
Gail

SarahNSH

lol, I guess I was pretty tired if you noticed my own mistakes I made in the review so easily! At the moment I thought I was still pretty good until at the end I was nearly falling asleep with it. :blush1: I know that I highlighted some parts but then found another to edit and then forgot to bold that as well and then I just said "ah, forget it!" Because I spent awhile on it and I was staying up waaay past my bed time too.

Anywho, I think that you know what I mean by some of my suggestions even though I totally sounded like I was writing some of it while I was drunk. Like I said I'm kinda stuck between adding some of the info you mention into another chapter and sort of "sprinkling" it out (spreading out some of the info in other chapters bit by bit) and leaving it as is because you got some important info you're sharing with the reader with this whole chapter that they need to know about and to explain what is going on in this world.

Oh, I'm sorry about that one suggestion where I did "Opening the door of the study" and then I forgot to remove the end of the sentence because I was pretty much playing shuffle with the wording of it. Geez, note to self, if you feel sleepy don't review something, lol!

I'm gonna keep on thinking and reading this chapter. There's something I want to say and I feel like I'm missing that I could suggest to you to maybe improve it but it's not quite hitting me yet... and, it shows your skill in writing when you have me thinking about your story so much after the first read and another read of it. I think that a great thing to do for your reader is to give them a description of the world in terms of what is it that is like ours? What is it that isn't like our world? Especially with fantasy because you are making a whole alternate world for the reader to jump into with the characters.

Some things a reader might be asking is who are these guids? And how have these people who have their magic acquired it? (do you acquire it by training or does it come naturally to those who have it?) Do most people in this society have magic or are there those who aren't gifted with it? But, I know that you're thinking about these questions and I look forward to how this plays out. And thank you for the compliment of having a good eye for revision! I really do like editing but when it comes to my own work I just can't catch things as well.

Anywho, I also look forward to reading more of your work, Gail! I think you do a great job with your writing and I'll try to read and review it and remember not to review while I'm depriving myself of sleep.

butchiesmom

Reviewing and sleepy just doesn't mix well as you've just found out, lol. The Guids will be explained later in the book. Anyhoo, how about this for a first line?

The distant sound of weapons firing came to him from an open window as he opened the study door.

hugs,
Gail

butchiesmom

A revision of the first paragraph:

The distant sound of weapons firing came to him from an open window as he opened the study door. He quickly closed the door behind him and moved on shaky legs toward the desk dominating the room. Toma moved around the desk, sat down and stopped to catch his breath. He pulled open a drawer withdrawing a pen and a sheet of paper. There wasn’t much time. The creatures had finally found their tiny estate.

hugs,
Gail

SarahNSH